Resident Evil REwritten
by Blade8821
Summary: Yes, the title is a pun. This is the story of one unfortunate soul who finds himself in the world of Resident Evil, on the night of July 23, 1998. When confronted with the horrors of this frightful new world, what is a lowly human being to do, now that he finds himself on the bottom of the food chain? Enter the world of survival horror... If you dare.
1. Chapter 1

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought, usually in _Italics_

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Hello, dear friends. Let me be the first to welcome you to the REwritten, REdone, and completely REvamped story of Waking Death. **_

_**This, is the story of a young man named Roy, who unexpectedly finds himself in the world of Resident Evil. What you are about to see is one man's struggle to hold onto his own humanity.**_

_**For my dedicated readers who have followed this story since its infancy, I thank you from the bottom of my cold, unfeeling heart. I ask that you refrain from spoiling what you think you know for the new readers. Many things have changed; I hope each and every one of you will enjoy the horror-filled adventure that awaits you.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#1 _**REwriting History**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**The door to safety has shut tight. There is no turning back.**_

Ugh, my bleedin' head!

"Augh..."

I could faintly hear someone groaning. After a moment, I realized it was me. Lovely, just the way I love to start my day; lying facedown in what's probably a puddle of my own blood, not remembering anything from the past week.

'_Wha-?_'

I blearily opened my eyes, feeling drowsy as all hell. Vision fuzzy, head pounding and limbs numb, the only thing that came to mind was, '_Just how the fuck do I get myself into these messes?_'

Move. C'mon, get up, not dead yet. I forced my arms to move, blinking back the haze clouding my eyes. I was lying facedown on a carpeted floor,(No blood or puke, thankfully) with a foul smell lingering all around; the stench of rot, death, and decay. Not me, I hope. After several moments of stuggling, I could see-

. . .

A pair of boots, with feet in them; light cream-colored ankles sticking out the tops, leading to the rolled-up cuffs of light green capris. A belt holding them up carried several pouches, notably one with a red cross on it. Above them, a flat belly covered by a green shirt and white kevlar vest, betraying an ample chest, all the way up to a cute, pixie-like face with short brunette hair and bright, curious green eyes.

Human. Female. Age sixteen to twenty-four, armored; light kevlar vest, level 2 protection, carrying medical equipment. Armed, Beretta 92 in her right hand, not aimed at me.

...Safety's on, dumbass. Looks like a medic, and a fairly familiar one, too. "Are you alright, sir?" She warily asked, her voice sounding just as cute as she looked. If not for my pounding head and mushy muscles, I'd probably be imaging her naked, sprawled out over an unmade bed.

Blinking back those thoughts, I pushed myself up, getting a leg under me. "Dunno. You here to use that weapon on me?" My voice didn't crack, thankfully, but my throat was dry; side-effect of whatever drug had been used on me, I suppose. Don't think it was liquor, I'm not feeling queasy enough for alcohol poisoning.

"Not if I don't have to. My name's Rebecca, do you know what happened here?" Huh. Thought she looked like Rebecca Chambers. What was it? Resident Evil, I think. Some lame-ass prequal.

She offered a hand and I took it, pushing more than pulling myself up. She still tottered a bit. Just a bit.

"Name's Roy. The answer to that entirely depends on what's going on, but before that, just where the hell am I?" I glanced around the room, still trying to get my bearings.

Small cabin, bunk beds on my right side with a body in the lower one. Aha, so that's the smell. Eugh.(I hate hate haaaate the stench of a rotting body. Makes me wanna heave, no matter how often I run into it. If you think roadkill stinks, you need to speak with your local crime scene techs. They'll set you straight)

"A train in Raccoon Forest, and all these people are just- Dead. I didn't see any lethal injuries on them, but..." She shuddered, her gaze avoiding the body in the room. "You're the first person I've found who wasn't dead, or trying to kill me."

Eh?

Raccoon-?

'_You've really stepped in it this time, skipper._'

"Okay, wait wait wait. What's with the cosplay, for one? Two, what the hell? This is too far for a joke." I was just kinda irritated by now, what with my headache and dealing with some cosplay chick who was just waaay too into her role. I don't mind the girl dressing up for some kinky roleplay, but that's just not my thing. Seriously. Besides, that gun and kevlar are real; lotta money to blow on a costume. Too much.

She tilted her head, eyebrow quirked, parroting, "Cosplay...? Hey! I'm an officer of the law! And these people are dead, how can you call that a joke?!" She squeaked, indignant.

How can I call that a joke? Easily, I've woken up with a dead body on top of me a la my so-called 'coworkers' who thought it would be a funny prank. Assholes.

I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. I was not in the mood to deal with this. (I just woke up with the hangover of the century, damnit! If she ain't stripping, I don't wanna hear it) "Fine, whatever you say, princess." This is one seriously fucked-up flaming bag of shit. Why did I have to go and step on it?

She scowled, grumbling as she turned and opened the door, stomping out.

Heh, y'know, she looked much cuter like that, for some reason. Must be 'cuz her ass is just out of this world.

Or out of my world, anyway.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Well, I'm lost. Outside the nearest window I saw a forest, and that this was, indeed, a train. From there, I have no fucking clue as to what is going on, so- Welp, fuckit. Got nothing better to do while my head catches up to my ass, so I decided to tag along with the cosplay girl.

Lovely.

I followed behind her, ignoring the angry muttering I heard. Something about handcuffs, a sharpie, and revenge. Eh, I've had worse.

Out the door, to the right, and down a hall. Eesh, this is all looking mighty familiar. At the end of said hallway, was an electronically locked door. Next to it, was the body of a man that looked like he'd been torn apart by something.

I heard a sharp intake of breath from the girl next to me, before she swallowed and knelt, slowly, carefully edging her hand closer to the body, gently plucking a key from its hand. Eheheh, I was tempted to shout 'BOO!' just to see how she reacted.

But I'm not that cruel. Wait.

Hm? What's-?

Footsteps behind us, approaching. Heavy, but soft.

I waited several moments, and just as those footsteps got within four feet I spun, dashed straight at the guy, noting his stunned expression as I drove a fist in his gut, off-hand grabbing the back of his neck and pulling as I side-stepped out of the way, kicking his feet out from under him before driving a knee into the small of his back on the way down.

Within the space of an eyeblink, he was on the floor with my hand on his neck, the other restraining his right arm, and my knee digging into the small of his back.

"UWAH-!" He let out a surprised yelp, startling Rebecca and making her jump.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on strangers?" Keeping my tone neutral is a habit; sounding emotionless scares people a lot more than sounding angry.

I finally got a good look at the guy; big, muscled, tattoo on his right arm(Tribal. How original) and-

And a fucking mullet. Are you kidding me?

Rebecca gave a start. "Lieutenant William Coen!"

My captive looked up, scowling. "Well, at least someone's heard of me. I'd ask if you've been fantasizing about me, but I get the feeling your boyfriend might get a little angry."

The hell?

Billy Coen.

First Rebecca, now Billy, and I'm on a train. Someone, somewhere, has a really fucked-up sense of humor.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Somewhere, we see someone in a dark room. The author, sitting in a beanbag chair naked eating cheetos.**

"_**Mwahahahahahaaa, all too right, my friend... All too right. *Munch, crunch***_"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back with Roy, Rebecca and Mr Mullet Warfare.**

With a groan, I released Billy, stepping back and once again pinching the bridge of my nose. This is NOT how I imagined this night going down. Damned bitch must've slipped something into my drink.

Scratch that, _several_ somethings. I'm tripping balls, man.

After dusting himself off, Mulletman turned and waltzed away, grumbling and rubbing his shoulder. I think he said something about hating cops. Anyway, Rebecca was about to go running after him when I caught her by the back of her vest and said, "Leave him."

"What?! But he's a wanted criminal! He's a murderer!" Her protests fell on deaf ears.

"I call bullshit on that. He was armed; if he was a murderer, he would've tried to shoot us in the back. And beyond that, he doesn't have the eyes of a killer. Let the Marines worry about him, he's out of your jurisdiction." Fuming, she pulled out of my grasp, stomping down the hall. I simply rolled my eyes, trailing along behind her.

With a sigh, I wondered, '_How in the hell did I get myself into this shit?_'

There's no way I'm in a bloody video game. No way, not possible. But if I am, then the next thing to happen-

***CRASH!-**_Thum-Thumpka_!*

"EDWARD!" Rebecca screamed, dashing over to a figure that had just dived through one of the windows, and was now resting against one of the walls below said window.

I blinked, snarking to myself, '_I just HAD to go and open my big damn mouth._'

With a sigh, I moved over to the two of them, just missing Edward's last words. Something about monsters.

His head lolled forward, just as he stopped breathing. Rebecca grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, feeling his neck for a pulse. "...Edward? Edward! C'mon, wake up! Ah- I can't-"

Quite suddenly,

***CRASH!***

Through the window I'd juuust stepped away from, a half-decomposed dog jumped through, landing on its feet, growling at us.

***Cra-CRASHK!*** Followed by two more, on the other side. Fuck me running.

Rebecca jumped to her feet, pointing her gun at the nearest dog, arms shaking. "S-stay away! Stay back!"

_'Yeah, she's green as grass. Just my luck, stuck with the rookie in a horror movie.'_

Just as the dog leaped forward, jaws gaping, I felt my heart give a start, beating faster and faster.

'_Not happening._'

My temples throbbed, heart quickened, lungs filled.

In that instant, everything slowed to a crawl, the edges of my vision turning grey as the rest of it took on an extra-bright hue.

_I pulled the gun from Rebecca's hand, a quick spin 'round the trigger guard, righting it in my hand as I levelled the sights on the beast._

_*__**Bang!**__*_

_One._

_Turn, set the front sight._

_*__**Pow! Baloom!**__*_

_A double-tap in the second, which fell limp to the floor, whereas the third was already in the air, too close. _

_I fell back onto instinct, reaching out and catching it by the throat. Just as time seemed to catch up, I jammed the barrel of that 92 between the fucker's teeth. _

_"Play dead, bitch." It had only the time to blink, when I pulled the trigger._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Dropping the body, I turned back to look at Rebecca, who was wide-eyed, lips moving, but with no words coming out.(Kinda arousing, that. I was imagining those lovely lips working something else)

I flipped the gun, holding it out to her. "If you intend to live, then when you point this at something, never hesitate to pull the trigger. Hesitation will get you killed, Rebecca."

Still shaking, she retook it without a word, swallowing. Hmph. Rebecca's too weak to go through this. She lacks the killing intent needed to survive such a nightmare. Sighing, I resigned myself to at least help her get through this night alive. Might even get some answers as to how the hell I wound up here.

But in order to do that-

I did a quick check of my pockets, finding that I had my knife on my belt, my lockpick set,(Hey, they're useful if I lock my keys in my car) and flashlight. Lighter and boot knife, too, but that's about it. Damnit, really wishing I had my Glock right about now.

But.

I turned my gaze to the dead guy, Edward. Hmm. Well, best not to look a gift corpse in the mouth.

Taking a knee, I felt the guy's neck. No pulse, no breathing. Eyes are open, no movement, no dilation.

He's dead, with several scratches and bite marks over his body. Reaching back, I drew my knife and slammed it through his temple, twisting once and drawing it out, flicking off the bits left on the blade before sheathing it.

"W-w-What the hell are you doing?!" Ignoring her, I undid Edward's belt, pulling off the pouches on it, setting them aside.

There's what I'm after.

His sidearm, a customized Beretta 92FS. Think they called it the Samurai Edge. I removed his holster and everything else he'd had on his belt, before checking through the pockets on his vest.

Anything useful? C'mon, useful.

Aha!

Another pair of Beretta magazines, loaded. I dropped them next to the pouches and looked a bit more, finding a wallet and a few other odds and ends. Handcuffs, handcuff keys, folding baton, pepper spray, picture of a woman.

Eh.

Some useful items, but most of it's bunk.

Ditched the picture and spray, laying out the rest of the stuff.

Hm. I undid my instructor belt, setting the different pouches and packs on it in my prefered places, leaving my knife where it was; after about a minute, I had everything in place. Pistol on my 3-30, ammo on my 10, various utility stuff here and there.

Yep, I'm good to go. I stood, drawing my new gun.

Pull the mag, glance, load. Fourteen rounds. Pull slide, check chamber; one in the pipe, so that's all fifteen, plus the spares.

Two in my pocket, three more on belt. Total of 90 rounds, 9mm JHP. Got roughly forty .308 rounds; guess Eddy here was a DM. Too bad he didn't have his rifle.(He must've dropped it, just like another dumbass we all know)

Well, better than nothing. There was one last thing I needed; reaching down, I pulled Edward's nametag off his vest, and then the STARS patch from his shoulder, pocketing them.

Straightening up, I looked back to where Rebecca was standing, glaring at me. "He doesn't need these anymore and I'd rather not go around armed with only a knife, seeing as you said the dead were attacking." A beat later, and she exploded.

"You didn't have to be so calm about it! He-! He's dead! So show some respect!" She had tears in her eyes, looking on the verge of breaking down crying.

Damnit, I need her stable, not whining.

But, I can't just dress her down like I would a soldier that was losing it; she's too fragile for that.(That wasn't my actual reason; I noted and admitted that later, but at the time I was making an excuse for myself to be gentle about it. I'm a real pushover)

I placed a hand on her shoulder, the other raising her chin to look me in the eye. "Rebecca. I know it hurts to lose a friend, but right now, we can't afford to let emotions override our judgement. The only thing we can do for him now, is survive. And I'll respect him by doing everything in my power to keep you alive." Keeping my voice calm, solemn, and kind, I reassured her the best way I knew how. Dealing with people is, not my strong suit.

She heaved in a shaky breath, suppressing a sob. "*Sniff* O- Okay. Thanks..." Smiling tranquilly, I patted her shoulder, trying my best not to look creepy and/or macabre.(Or perverted, though that's how I felt right about then)

Yeah, I've got a problem looking normal, eheheh. "C'mon, let's get moving." She nodded, gathering herself as I lead the way back into the main passenger compartment.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Inside, I spotted several bodies lying around.

Seeing two lying facedown in the aisle, I asked, "Rebecca, how did you put those things down?"

Seeing them, she shivered. "I- I just shot them. They wouldn't stop, and-"

I nodded, cutting her off. "Very well. From now on, any of those things, zombies, whatever you want to call them, are to be shot in the head. If you can't hit the head, aim for the legs, then put one through their skull. Anything less than a clean headshot is a waste of ammo."

Moving forward, I drew my knife, dropping into a crouch as I took hold of the nearest one's neck, stabbing it the same way I had Edward's corpse; through the temple, twist, extract, rinse and repeat.

Once done, I glanced back to the girl. Her face was pale, eyes wide. "W-why did you-?"

"If this is what I think it is, then nothing short of the destruction of the brain or cerebral cortex will put them down for good. In layman's terms, shoot 'em in the head, break the neck, or remove the head. Forcefully." I looked back towards the other end of the car, reaching for my handgun.

"Then... Just what is it?" She asked, still slightly shaken.

"The Tyrant virus, a bio-chemical weapon developed by the Umbrella corporation. It essentially reanimates recently deceased bioforms, mutating them into hideous creatures retaining only the most basic of urges; the need to feed. The infection is spread through bites, scratches and fluids; only one in ten million are genetically immune to it, so unless you're feeling lucky, I suggest you keep your distance from the infected. And before you ask, no, there isn't any cure that I am aware of. Once infected, you're as good as dead."

Turning, I started for the other door when she called after me. "How do you know all this? And how are you so sure?"

I stopped. "That, I cannot say. There is much I wish to tell you, but not just yet. Once we're back in the city. You're going to have to trust me until then, I'm afraid. As to your other question, there is only one thing I know of that can turn the dead into flesh-eating monsters, and that's the T-virus. Now c'mon, lets get moving before one of the other deadheads wakes up with the munchies." Moving again, I got to the door, grasping the handle.

Rebecca caught up, key in hand when she asked, "Can you at least tell me why you're helping me?"

Hmph. Ack, fuck it, why not.

"As Edward said, there are various other monsters lurking in the forest, looking for someone tasty to chow down on. I don't fancy my chances of outrunning packs of dogs, either.(I was completely serious, too) And to be honest, you remind me of someone I once knew. Beyond that? Well, it's raining and I've got nothing better to do, so why the hell not." I shrugged, as she shook her head and I opened the door.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Stepping through, I raised my gun, checking left and right.

Dark in here, lights are off.

I was moving ahead towards the other door, when the crackling of static filled the air. Rebecca pulled her radio from her belt, responding, "This is Rebecca, over."

_"Krsshhhhrr...Ecca...is...Nrico."_

Blinking, she called back, "Enrico? Hello! Enrico, do you read me? Please respond!"

After fiddling with the channels for a moment, the Bravo team Captain came back over the radio. "_I can hear you, Rebecca. Now listen up. We've found detailed information on the fugitive, William Coen. He has been convicted of killing as many as twenty-three people._"

Looking startled, Rebecca murmurred to herself, "T-twenty-three people?" I merely shook my head at the stupidity of this. They're stranded in the forest, radios are mucking around,(Or he's crinkling some tinfoil just to fuck with the rookie. Seems about par for the course, what with the incompetance of everything else) there's a cult of cannibal serial(Mass) killers around, and they're worried about a Marine that's on the run and likely has a several-hour headstart?

What the fuck.

"_We've also confirmed that he was institutionalized, so keep your guard up._"

"Captain, I've found a civillian on-board a train, the Ecliptic Express. I've... Also confirmed the death of Edward Dewey." But something was wrong.(Very wrong)

All that came back through the radio was static. "Captain? Enrico, are you there? Enrico!"

Nothing but static.

She shook her head, looking troubled.

Well, I better cheer her up a little. "Am I the only one feeling like we're in some cheap B-rated horror movie?" She looked up at my smirking features, a small smile dawning in her own pixie-like face.

"It's starting to feel that way."

Grinning like a crazy bastard, I chuckled, snarking, "Well, at least you're not blonde and I'm not black, so we should be good."(Seriously. It's always either the hot, busty dumbass blonde or the unfortunate token black guy that dies first. What the hell?)

After a moment of futile resistance, she cracked up giggling, shaking her head. "You're awful."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Rebecca opened the door and I stepped through, gun raised, old habits taking over.

Clear. Stairs on left, sliding door to the kitchen straight ahead. We entered, shutting the door behind us. I was moving towards the stairs, expecting it when the door behind us opened once more, and a certain mullet-bearing former Marine entered, looking between the two of us.

When he didn't immediately turn and scamper off, I said, "I take it you've figured out that we're better off working together, too?"

He looked startled for half a second, before nodding. "Yeah. If the dead are coming back with the munchies, we'll stand a better chance of surviving if we cooperate."

"WHAT?! I'm not cooperating with a-" Just as Rebecca was starting to have her little freakout, my arm snapped out and gibsmacked her.

"OW! What was that for?!" She was rubbing a sore spot on the back of her head, scowling.

Coincidentally, it was right where I smacked her. Go figure.

"For not listening, and for being a gullible idiot. Tell me, did you see the court documents on Mr Coen, here?" Okay, time to bullshit my way outta this.

"Huh? Yeah, so what? He was tried and convicted of murdering twenty-three people!"

I nodded sagely. "And how long did it take for them to convict him? Scratch that, how long did it take from the conviction, to the execution date?"

She blinked, thinking back to that paper she'd read.

As she thought on that and her expression changed to that of dawning comprehension, I patted her shoulder. "Now you're getting it, Becs. Whenever a trial is sped up and done with minimal publicity, especially something like a good Marine killing civillians, then somewhere along the way, there's a cover-up going on. Even more so when the punishment for it is an execution. And whenever they schedual an execution within a month of the conviction, there is most definitely some illegal backroom deals going on. Isn't that right, Lieutenant?"

I looked back to the subject of our conversation, who looked entirely stunned.(Surprising. Kinda hard to pull off 'stunned' with a mullet)

"How-?"

Beaming, I sniped, "You don't have the eyes of a cold-blooded killer, Billy. Besides, no good murderer would be caught _dead _with a mullet like that."

. . .

Oh, the _look _on his face was just priceless as Rebecca and I both busted out laughing. We both shared a good laugh at the former Marine's expense.

Heheh. Anyway. Chuckling aside, I started up the stairs, my two compatriots reluctantly following close behind.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Up topside, we were in the dining room; several fires had broken out, still burning through tableclothes and drywall. On the far side of the room was a lone, elderly man, sitting at a burning table. I remember this.

Resident Evil 0 wasn't my favorite game of the series, but I played it once, one friggin' long-assed time ago, damnit. ONCE!

Fuck!

C'mon, think. The leaches fear fire, right?

Wait.

Burning?

Aha!

On the bar next to us was a box of 9mm rounds, which I passed on to the others before plucking a random bottle of alchohol from behind it. "Bacardi? Agh, damnit. Why is it always the Bacardi?" I was muttering, dreading what I was about to do. I hate to waste good rum.

Popping the cork, I grabbed the nearest tablecloth, just as I noticed-

JASHIN DAMNIT!

I grabbed the back of Rebecca's vest, yanking her back again, fiercely whispering in her ear, "What're you, retarded?!"

Of course, she gave me an indignant/puzzled/pissed-off look.(Or some combination of all three. I'd also like to note the very lusty gaze she set on the crotch of my trousers. Or at least, I wish) "What the hell are you talking about?"

I blinked, remembering that they don't know that the Marcus lookalike is a leech zombie.

"That- That thing, over there isn't human. Just keep your distance and watch." I held the molotov in one hand, and pulled off the nearest burning tablecloth in the other, stalking closer to the disguised monster.

C'mon.

C'mon.

I got real close, before lighting the molotov on the burning cloth, and then flung it over the leech zombie, covering it with the burning tablecloth.

Suddenly, an inhuman wailing filled the air, as the stench of burning flesh filled my nostrils.

I hopped well back, carefully watching as the figure of the man broke down into dozens, hundres of leeches. That's when I threw the homemade explosive, turning and tear-assing back to the others. The instant I was next to them, I drew my handgun, spinning and dropping to one knee, taking aim in that very same instant.

Eyes wide, heart pounding, I watched as the leeches burned, and burned.

And _**burned.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Rebecca watched on in horror, as the old man she'd been about to help burst into hundreds of leeches. '_Disgusting!'_ She shivered, thankful that Roy had stopped her from making that mistake.

And then the man she'd met only minutes ago had made a molotov cocktail, burning the things alive. He knew. He knew that thing wasn't human.

But how?

"Burn, motherfucker, burn." Roy muttered, eyes entranced by the flames.

"Eugh, nasty. How'd you know about that, anyway?" Billy was puzzled, covering his nose, looking oddly at the man.

Before he could answer, there was-

Something?

"_Awwwuuhhhaaaahhhh..._" Opera singing?

Glancing out the window, she saw a figure atop a hill in the distance, wearing a white gown with long, dark hair.

Roy was on his feet, taking aim when the train gave a jolt, and started to move. "Fuck," He cursed, holstering his weapon with a scowl.

"What the hell? Who started the train?" The former Marine asked, looking back down the stairs.

"Umbrella, or Marcus. Either way." Roy shook his head as he muttered something under his breath, looking like he was under pressure, planning something. "Alright. Both of you, on me. First we'll check the kitchenette, then we'll head down below and go car-by-car. We stick together, no matter what. No one goes alone. Understood?"

His tone brokered no arguement, betraying what would happen if either of them disagreed.(Rebecca wasn't eager to wind up like those zombies from before)

He may not be bigger than Billy, but he looked far more dangerous. For some reason, his eyes sent a shiver down Rebecca's spine; a piercing gaze that reminded her of Captain Wesker, but-

Roy's wasn't cold; behind those dull turquoise stones was a raging hellfire that threatened to destroy whatever stood in his way.

_'Or whoever,' _She thought with a shudder.

It was unsettling, to say the least. He hides those feelings well, but Rebecca's always had a good feel for people. Even her psychology instructor had said as much, back in college.

If she had to guess, that fire is fueled by pain that he refuses to show. The other thing that she noticed was that whenever his gaze settled on her, those fires seemed to fade and die out, replaced by something softer she couldn't quite recognize. Is that what he meant, when he said she reminded him of someone he once knew?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to Roy's POV.(Point of view. Also a type of porn, if you're so inclined)**

Moving quickly, I went over to the door to the mini-kitchen, punching a gloved fist(SKD tactical PIG gloves. Very comfortable, still provides adequite protection against cuts and grazes) through the glass window, reaching down and twisting the handle hard. I felt something inside it give and snap, before I shoved the thing open, brushing shards of glass off my sleeve.(Underarmor long-sleeve, high-collar compression shirt. The ladies looove the pecs and six pack)

Whatta we got?

Handgun rounds, green herbs,(The hell IS a green herb, exactly? I don't recognize it from any botany journals I've read) first aid spray, and a key.

Hm.

I gathered the different items, walking out and nearly into the others as I handed them the different objects, aside from the key.

Billy had an M9; military version of the Beretta 92FS. Decent firearm, but I didn't care all that much for it. When you can only use FMJ rounds, then stick to a larger calibur, ie 45ACP or 40S&W. That way you don't need to put five or six rounds in a target to put him on the ground. Not to mention, such an open design isn't meant for hard use in harsh enviornments. Sand, mud, dirt and grit gets right into the action, fucks up the whole gun. I prefer the old short-recoil 1911; much better design. Simple, accurate, easy to work on and very, very reliable if you don't fuck with it.

FMJ and service mags, people. You don't need a match barrel unless you want 2 inch groups at fifty yards and regular springs are perfectly fine. If it ain't broke, don't fuck, er, 'fix' it.

Anyway, pet peevs aside.

He only had a few mags worth, so I passed him the ammo box.(50 rounds. Rebecca had gotten most of the last box) Rebecca had the med kit, so she got the herb and spray.(Didn't feel like carrying them, myself)

The key I kept in-hand as I trotted down the stairs and through the door, leading the way as my toadies trailed along behind me. In the next car-

Three targets!

I drew my gun, taking aim without breaking pace. Two in the aisle; first shot through his forehead, second clocked the guy behind him right between the eyes. Turn, one O'clock. Last shot dropped the final Z-boy, who was standing up from a seat; all three of them dropped to the floor within moments of each other.

Gun up, I moved straight to the other door, carefully hopping over the fallen bodies as I went. Tugging it open, I had turned just in time to see Billy trip over one and fall flat on his face.

"Real smooth, Mr Mullet Warfare."

. . .

"Oh, so you're a comedian, huh?" He grumbled, getting back to his feet.

"I'm a jackass of many talents. And just so you know, if you're going to shoot any of the undead wandering around, aim for the head. Body shots are just wasting brass." When I finished giving him that bit of info, I tugged the door open, stepping through with my gun raised.

Clear. Moving swiftly, I crossed the car and got to the door just as they were crossing the midway point. I let them through and pulled up the rear, shutting the door behind us. Rebecca looked a little anxious, but said nothing. Hmph.

'_Keep it together, police girl._'

I moved past them, down the hall and around the bend, just past the stiff. Second-to-last door of the area; Conductor's cabin. Those two caught up with me, the girl edging warily past her dead coworker, her gaze avoiding his corpse. Ah; she felt guilty, I suppose. Hm.

Pulling the key from my pocket, I unlocked the door and opened it, stepping through with my gun raised.

No surprises in here, not yet, anyway.

"Clear." I heard the others stepping inside, shutting the door. A quick glance around revealed everything we needed. Pistol and shotgun rounds, a first aid spray, map of the train, button on the wall, and of course, a barely-concealed briefcase that held our ticket outta here.

"Huh... Now all we need's a shotgun. Great." The former-Marine sniped, rolling his eyes.

"Perhaps," I took up the shells, getting a quick count. 25 in the case, heheheheh.

Sweet. Opening it, I dropped the 00 Buck rounds into the two empty cases on my belt, the rest falling in alongside the 7.62 ammo. Good to go. I ditched the case, passing the pistol rounds to the other two. They'll need it more than I will.

Now.

I opened the closet and nabbed the briefcase, looking it over. Fairly simple but elegant affair, very well-crafted. Probably very expensive, as well.

"Either of you care to bet there's something useful inside?"

Billy just shrugged. "Go for it."

"Don't know. Maybe?" Rebecca mimicked his Air Force salute before they shared a glance, and she turned away with just a leetle huff. Heheh, cute.

Pulling my knife as I holstered my sidearm, I sliced through the side bellowing and reached inside, fingers searching.

Aha! Got it. Keycard to the lead car. Alright, just skipped a good fifteen minutes of dicking around. Now to figure this out; should we head straight to the engine, and possibly stop before the canon, or go and fuck off for a few minutes, possibly risking an even worse crash than the game detailed?

_**The decision you make here... Will forever change your life as you knew it. **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**There is a shout-out to one of my all-time favorite authors on here, a certain miss Tani2. She has one of the single greatest Resident Evil fics I have ever read: "Leon? A word please" **_

_**That, is the best fic you'll find. Period, end of report. No offense to any other writer or hopeful writer, but if you want to learn a thing or two, go and read her story. Unfortunately, she has not updated the sequel to her RE fic, so we're SOL for now. At least until she remembers that she has an account on here.(Wishful thinking, I know)**_

_**Ahem. Even if you're not a fan of romance stories, you'll find more than enough humor in Tani2's works to make it worth the read. I guarantee it. Now, if you want to find out just what the reference was, you'll need to go read her RE story to find out. Mwahahaha. **_

_**There's also one from CoD Black Ops 2, **_

_**Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update this, but rest assured I'll be working on it.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfucker.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#2 _**Big Mistake**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

'_...Let's get this over with now._' On my feet, I turned to the door, beckoning the others to follow me.

"C'mon, we're checking the engine car."

That perked them up. "Engine car? But isn't it locked?" Rebecca asked, looking perturbed.

I held up the keycard I just found. "And I now have the means to unlock it without wasting ammo. Let's get moving."

Out the door we went, then left to the locked door. I swiped the keycard, pocketing it as I drew my gun, and then-

Found myself face-to-mask with an Umbrella USS soldier.

. . .

In that ubiquous moment where we met each other's gaze, we had that moment that always comes when two soldiers of opposing sides make eye contact. More information was exchanged in that second, than two civillians could exchange with two hours' conversation.

I rushed forward, grabbing the forend of his MP5 and forcing it sideways as I shoved him backward, through the door into the engine car.

"LEECHES! GO GO GO!" I shouted for the other two, before I grabbed the guy's gun with my other hand and raised my boot, kicking him away as I took possession of his weapon.

He landed hard on the floor, and I instinctively turned to my right, knocking away a punch from the other soldier with my off-hand, bringing up the MP5 and jamming it under his chin.

***BADOW!***

One shot, and he dropped backwards.

I turned back to the other immediate threat, keeping the weapon trained on him as I called back, "Get in and get that door shut!"

Within another five tense seconds, Rebecca and Billy were next to me, the door slamming shut behind them. Good. "Looks like we've got ourselves a canary... Sing for me bitch, or I feed you to the zombies."

"Fuck you." He retorted, his right hand snaking closer to his sidearm-

"Hmph. Your funeral." I pulled the trigger.

***POW!***

His head snapped back, a small spray of blood oozing out of his gas mask as he collapsed to the floor.

"What the hell was that for?! He was-" I turned, grabbing Rebecca by the vest, pulled her closer and cut her off.

"They were Umbrella USS, and I have seen more than enough of their handiwork to know better than to let them live. If they're here, then Umbrella is trying to cover its own ass by killing everyone involved and destroying the evidence. And I, for one, am not letting them get away with murder this time!"

'_This time?_' She thought, her mouth already in motion.

She slapped my hand away, replying, "You can't know for certain! What if they were here to save these people?!" Damnit.

"Open your eyes, girl! They were a clean-up crew! THEY started the train! Humanitarians would've had more than just a pair of grunts with guns!" I hate naive optimists. Really, I do.

Cynical skepticism, skepticism, skepticism...

Billy cut in. "He's right, Rebecca. They're carrying just enough equipment to get in and get out, nothing for helping the wounded. Besides, the people on-board have long since been dead, they've got no reason to send aid now. And why would Umbrella, a pharmaceutical corporation, send armed soldiers to a train that shouldn't exist?" Aha, he was really on the ball.

There was an ominous silence that followed for several seconds.

"Why did you just gun him down like that in cold blood? He wasn't-" I sighed, remembering to be gentle with the rookie.

"He was reaching for his sidearm, just waiting for a chance to shoot us. I do not kill without reason, Rebecca; anyone working for Umbrella is going to try to kill us, because we've seen their dirty little secret. Remember that, both of you." I moved to the nearest dead guy, taking a knee and stripping the goon of his gear.

Let's see, here.

Kevlar tac vest, just my size, too. MP5 with light, plenty of ammo on the vest and other various items. Flashlight, knife, Sig P226,(Useful) medical kit,(VERY useful) a pair of hand grenades and an assortment of other goodies.

. . .

AHA! Radio! Heheheheheheheh!

Time for mischief.

Picking up the radio, I brought it to my mouth, holding the button, breathing heavy.

"_Hah...Huuh_...William. Albert. I know you're there." Voice low, throaty and threatening, it was difficult keeping a straight face. I was just imagining the both of them freaking out, watching us.

"_Who the hell are you?_" I heard Wesker replying, and I could just picture him trying to glare at me through his sunglasses.

"_Hah...Huuh. _I, am your worst nightmare." *Click* And I released the button, switching the channel as I make a note of which one they were on. Heheheheh, oh, they were going to be pissed later.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Billy began stripping the other Umbrella agent, relieving the corpse of its weapons, body armor, ammo and equipment.

While he was doing that, I began pulling on the stuff I'd salvaged off the goon, including a radio,(Tuned to the same channel Rebecca and Billy were on) the ballistic vest and other goodies. Once done and feeling much more like the soldier I was, I stood, then handed the Sig and thigh rig to Rebecca, as well as the spare magazines for it.

"Here, you'll need this more than I will." She took it with a light scowl.

"There a reason you two are getting the bigger guns?"

I nodded. "I've had extensive training with the SAS, using the MP5N. Billy was Force Recon, so he's had rudimentry training with it, as well. The vests won't fit you, and you've already got one, anyway; beyond that, ya got a place to carry the magazines?"

Silence, as I expected.

"Didn't think so. Personally, I'd rather you carry a better weapon, but handing the untrained rookie one of the two available long guns during an emergency situation is something I can't do until I know full well what we're up against. And hopefully, if things go according to plan, you won't even need to use a gun." I moved past her, heading for the console.

I stopped just behind her, turning my head to give them both the dramatic over-the-shoulder look. "Besides... Against the monsters Umbrella has created, these guns are just a comfort."

Duh-nuh-na-nuuh!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"How far out are we from impact?"

Rebecca bit her lip, tensely staring at a keycard she'd found. "Fifteen minutes. But we can't cut the engine, and the brake system is complicated. We'll need to activate one at the rear of the train, then one here. Whoever designed this must've been a major idiot, or just a jerk." She indicated a console in front of her, and I took the proferred keycard.

"Got it. You two stay here, I'll radio you when I've got the rear brake ready." I turned, heading out the door, moving for the rear of the train.

Time to get things moving.

Starting at a jog, I got through to the next car, and as I stepped through-

"Grroaaaagh!" The seemingly-dead train worker lunged at me, clinging to my leg as I positioned my new submachine gun in the path of his teeth, already reaching for my knife.

The instant the fucker's face collided with my gun, I flipped my knife and stabbed it through his left temple, giving a quick twist and ripping it out. Good to go.

Sheathing it, I kicked the body off my leg, starting off again.

This is gonna be a looong night, ain't it?

Fuck.

Down the hall, through the next door and into the passenger car; two deadheads up and shuffling around. Raising my gun, I put a round in both before picking up the pace again, hopping over the bodies still on the floor.

Now for the dark car. Clear, no bodies. I'm good to go. Through the next door, I stopped for a moment and took a breath.

Then I ran headlong at the nonfunctioning automatic door, stopping less than three feet away from it, pivoting, raising a leg.

And BAM! Kicking it as hard as I could. The door caved inward, flying back into the kitchen a good two feet before it clanged to the floor, a massive dent in its center. Heheh, sweet.

Stepping inside, I made a beeline for the next door, snarking, "Open sesame," Before giving it a solid kick to the doorknob. The lock snapped and it flew open, allowing me passage into the storage car. Heheh.

Inside, I hardly took a step, before-

***CRASHKA!***

A pair of zombie-dobermans smashed their way out of their cages, growling. Eh, not all THAT impessive.

Casually lowering my aim, I snapped the gun onto full-auto and fired a burst through both of 'em.

...What? Were you expecting some kinda great, big battle? It was a pair of fuckin' dogs! Eesh. Target practice, at this range.

After gathering a few choice goodies, I went through the last door, out into the rain.

*Sigh*

No time to even enjoy it, either. Damn.

Welp, first things first.

Taking my knife, I pried the hookshot from the metal claws and hooked it to my belt. Okay, got that.

Right-o. Brakes.

I moved to the weathered console, plucking the keycard from my pocket, swiping it.

*Beat*

Two, three, eight times before it read, the bastard.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Rebecca was still looking over the console, waiting. Waiting. She had lost count of the minutes, tensely waiting for-

Her radio crackled to life. "_Check-check! Rebecca, I've got the rear brake working. I'll be back with you guys in just a minute._"

She nodded on reflex, flicking switches and hitting buttons, working the console controls, trying to figure out how to get the brakes working.

It took her a moment to finish the puzzle-like code, before she pulled the brake lever and-

***WHUMPK!***

"Oof!" She was thrown against the console, jolted forward by the train's sudden deceleration. She heard Billy stumble and catch himself, as they both turned to grin at each other, a wave of relief washing over them.

Suddenly,

***Ker-CHKANG!*** And both of them were thrown on their asses with the sound of snapping steel ringing in their ears.

After a moment, "_Hey! You two alright?!_" Roy's voice came through the radio again, and Rebecca picked up the device, responding, "Yeah, we're okay, but the brakes just conked out on us, the train's picking up speed!"

"_Damnit._" He summed up everyone's thoughts all at once, his sardonic and deadpan delivery matching her mood perfectly. "_Definately not my lucky day... Both of you, move back to the darkened passenger car, we'll ride out the crash._"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

The two of them arrived within a minute; oddly enough, Rebecca was carrying the other MP5, with one of the soldiers' drop-leg pouches now on her left leg. Huh.

Billy was still wearing the tac-vest, but without the subgun magazines. I take it he agreed with my sentiment and gave the weapon to her, seeing as he wasn't scowling or muttering annoyed curses. Anyway.

Once they were inside, I directed each to grab a seat away from each other, and hunker down with their head between their knees.

"Get to a different part of the car, so at least one person survives if one part of the train collapses. Before we get any further, unchamber and make safe whatever firearms you have on your person." Rebecca's head tilted, and she instinctively asked,

"Why?"

Billy answered for me. "Because we're probably going to get thrown around pretty bad, and the last thing we need is for one of our guns to go off unintentionally." He pulled the mag of his M9 and ejected the round from the chamber, catching it in mid-air. I had already done as much with both weapons.

Rebecca "Aha'd" and complied, before they found seats, both preferring to sit near the aisle.

I took my own seat, well away from either of them. "Alright, now double-over and put your head between your knees, then if you're feeling unlucky, kiss your ass goodbye. For the rest of your time aboard Hell's Express, try to think bouncy thoughts."

*Beat*

"Bouncy thoughts?" Billy parroted, turning to give me a strange look.

I nodded. "Yes. In the hopes that when we crash, you will bounce instead of turning into a stain."

Neither of them had a response to that.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We rode along for another twelve minutes, and I spent the entire time counting down until impact.

On the eleventh minute mark, I said, "One minute to go, thank you for choosing Hell's express! Now's the time to be kissin' your ass goodbye! And no, that doesn't mean you can kiss Rebecca's ass, Mulletman!"

"Hey!"

*_Bul-TSHCK!* _A rumbling shook the entire train, as it crashed through something. The wooden barrier, I guess.

**"BRACE FOR IMPACT!" **

I curled myself up, doubled-over into a tight ball of muscle. Here's hoping, man.

'_Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy... Think like a ball. Or should that be think with my balls?_'

***BOOOOMSHCKA-BA-DWANG-KTCHSSSSHCKTNG!***(Crappy sound effects, I know)

And as the train collided with something SOLID, everything was thrown ass-backwards, head over heels and basically tossed about like a ragdoll.

With US inside.

Ow.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Augh...

After being tossed around and bouncing off the ceiling, the floor, the seats, Rebecca's tits and every other solid surface inside the train car, I must've blacked out when my head hit something hard.

Ugh, fuckin' skull is killing me.

I blinked back the darkness, realising I was face-down on a concrete floor. I tentatively flexed my muscles, determining that nothing was broken or dislocated. Then pushed myself up, calling, "Oy, holler if you're dead!"

. . .

Silence, as expected. Damnit. Once up and on one knee, I glanced left.

The train; or what was left of it, anyway. Flipped, mangled, broken and burning. Smoke filled the upper cavities of the tunnel, blacking out the lights. Only the flames kept away the shadows. Looking down, I found my vest was intact, as well as the mags,(Good old HK, excellent German engineering. Sucks that they hate their civvie customers) I wasn't burning, my gear was still attatched, and my MP5 had also remained hooked to me. Ditto for my handgun and knife.

Pulling it to my shoulder, I gave it a once-over. Only a few scuffs and scratches in the finish. I tapped the mag, racked the bolt, checked chamber, and then got to my feet.

"Oy!"

On my right, I saw a door as well as several scattered pieces of the train. Including the remnants of what was once inside it. I found Rebecca and Billy lying on the ground, both looking intact, more or less.(Meaning, no missing limbs or massive pools of blood)

I jogged over to Rebecca, who was closest. "Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca!" I knelt by her, giving her body a closer inspection.(Whilest also trying not to ogle and/or grope the more interesting bits) Some scrapes, a small knot on her head, the beginnings of a few bruises. Still breathing, so nothing serious, I hope. Her MP5 and Sig were both still on her person, along with her SE2.

Hmm.

Leaning down, I carefully checked her neck, feeling for any broken discs or sheared tendons.

Nothing, as far as I could tell. Strong pulse, regular breathing, no internal bleeding of the carteroid, jugular, or aorta. Joints weren't out of socket, no bones sticking out, and nothing bent at the wrong angle. I held her head still, lightly slapping(More like tapping) her cheek. "C'mon, Becs, wake up. Wake up."

Several tense moments passed, before her eyes fluttered.

"Auuughh," She groaned, blinking before staring up at me. "Huh... Roy?"

I smiled. Yep, she was alright. "Hey, Kitten. You okay?"

"Think so. My backside is killing me."

Grinning, I got to my feet, offering a hand. "I knew you'd be alright if you landed on your butt."

She gave me the cutest glare as I pulled her up, heheheh.

Moving over to the downed Marine, I gave him a once-over before nudging his side with my boot. "Oy Mulletman, you up?"

He groaned while flipping himself over, wincing as he got to his feet. "Augh, yeah, I'm up. Fucked up, but I'm up."

I nodded. "Good. Alright, you two, we'll scavenge what we can from the wreckage and get the hell outta here. See any ammo in an open flame, spot a fuel leak, or if you hear something strange, creepy or anything you cannot identify, give a shout. If you don't know what it is, keep your distance and let me know."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

THAT went well.(Surprisingly) A few boxes of various kinds of ammo, from 9mm and 12 guage to some more 7.62 and even a handfull of 45 ACP, though I've no idea where the hell that came from. Unfortunately, the hunting gun didn't come through the crash. Shame.

But, fortunately for us, we were all in one piece, our gear was intact, and we had a way to keep moving.(Ie, the door, not the tunnel)

Suppressing a groan at knowing full well what awaited us inside the place, I grabbed the door handle. "Last chance if either of you wants to try digging a a path out of the tunnel and through the forest."

Glancing back, I saw the two of them share a look.

*_**Uuuuooogghh...**_* Just as an oh-so-very conveniently timed ominous moan echoed throughout the tunnel, originating from the way we just crashed in from. Cool beans, another fucking monster that's gonna hound us until morning.

Just my fucking luck.

"Uh, I'll pass, thanks."

"I'm good with _not_ trying to outrun whatever's out there."

Well, that's that. I pushed the heavy door open, stepping through and sweeping my gun left to right, high then low, the white light sucked away by the darkness as the stench assaulted my nose.

"Clear. Keep it tight and watch your step." I hopped down into the knee-high water, checking right before turning left. Nothing but darkness; how comforting, in a horror game.

"Ugh. Why does there have to be a sewer?" Becs whined, pinching her nose.

I heard Billy chuckling, "Could be worse."

"Don't jinx us now, Billy-boy. Right, here's our way out." I stepped up onto the concrete platform, placing a hand on one of the rebar rungs. The other two quickly joined me, kicking waste-water and other things better left unspoken of off their shoes. "I'll go first. Both of you, hang tight right here until I give the all-clear, or you hear gunfire. And if anything starts sneaking up on you, get your asses topside. Don't try fighting anything down here in the dark."

And as my boots clanged against the steel, I pondered what I was going to do.

'Cuz I was still flying by the seat of my pants.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I tossed the trapdoor open, rolling myself up and over the ledge. When I landed in a crouch with my weapon drawn, I gave the foyer a quick once-over, before standing up and looking around for that damned camera.

Aha, found it. I lined up my sights and put a round through the device, before pulling my radio and switching to the channel Wesker and the egghead were on.

"Pathetic, Wesker... Your schemes are doomed to failure. Birkin, with all the monsters roaming the forest, aren't you concerned for your daughter's wellbeing...?" I rasped, playing on their individual weaknesses.

His response was genuine and panicked; just what I was looking for. "_Who- Who the hell are you?! How do you know about Sherry?!_" Aha! Hook, set.

"_Shut up! He's just trying to get a rise out of you._" Wesker snapped, even audible over the radio. It seems blondie is as sharp as ever, but even he was starting to sound just a little bit rattled. I wonder, how else can I screw with those two?

I'll have to really mess with 'em as time goes on, maybe even stick a wedge between the two evil bastards. Hm, but how to go about it?

. . .

Aha! Heheheheh, good old Yeti, always giving me ideas.

Suppressing manic giggling as I switched the radio back to the same channel the others were on, I called down to Becs and Billy-bob. "Oy, you two! Topside is clear, get up here."

Not even ten seconds later and they were both standing next to me, Billy kicking the trapdoor shut. Oddly enough, they both had semi-panicked expressions on their faces, completely drained of color.

"Something wrong?" I asked, concerned about something that could turn a veteran Marine infantry Lieutenant as white as a ghost.

The medic answered, "W-we heard something down there! It wasn't h-human!" She shivered, glancing towards the trapdoor.

Wasn't human? Oookay. "And just what did it sound like, exactly?" Eyeing the trapdoor in question, I moved over and found the latch that would lock it closed, sliding the bolt into place.

"Like something out of a horror movie, a screeching growl that echoed through the whole sewer." I stopped.

Screeching growl-?

"Fuck." I cursed, getting back to my feet. Gotta be a hunter, or something else nasty. Hopefully that trapdoor will keep it trapped down there. Heh, trapped. I crack myself up.

Rebecca didn't like the look on my face, apparently. "What was it?"

"A hunter, reptillian bioweapon created by Umbrella. They're about three and a half feet high, covered in tough scales with massive claws and big muscles. Nasty little fuckers." Shaking my head, I wondered if it might instead be a webspinner, or even one of the eliminators.

No. The monkeys wouldn't like moving through such dark, wet areas. Could be one of those big-ass spiders, but somehow, I doubt it. Gotta be one of those scaly bastards.

They both shared a look, before continuing to stare at me. "How can you tell?"

"Because there are only three of Umbrella's creations that make a sound that can be described as a screeching growl; one of which wouldn't be found stalking around in a sewer, and the other only makes noise when injured. Therefore, there is only one of the three left." Simple explanation, actually.

Becca shook her head. "No, how do you know about them? And how do you know Umbrella made them?"

Oops. Agh, damnit, how to explain this? 'Cuz I got nothing. C'mon, Roy, think! "The hunter alpha-variant is the first marketable bioweapon Umbrella has created; by injecting reptillian DNA into a human embryo and utilizing the T-virus as a bonding agent, they're remarkably simple to grow. They're intelligent, nocturnal predators that typically hunt in pairs, who can be found anywhere it's dark and above freezing. As to how I know all this..."

Trailing off, I considered my options on lies. The truth would be, ah-

Well, okay, even I barely believe it, and I'm the one living it.(Still halfway expecting to wake up any minute, now) So, no, not telling them that I'm from the real world. Priorities, gotta focus on my priorities.

"That's a long story. I'd like to explain everything, but we don't have the luxury of having time on our side, at the moment. Once we're out of this nightmare, I'll answer any questions you have; until then, our primary focus is survival, and escape." I moved for the center of the foyer, beckoning the others to follow.

Just at the bottom of the stairs, I looked up, into the eyes of James Marcus.

"Welcome, friends, to the world of_**Resident Evil...**_**"**

And like that, lightning cracked the sky, thunder rolling in the distance as Marcus' recording began to play.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**No more Tom or Randy, sorry. I'd originally planned for them to show up again MUCH later, as apart of the BSAA, but the gag joke I had wasn't worth the extra effort of scripting them in at this point.**_

_**Eh. I'm lazy.**_

_**Also, there's a Battlefield 3 reference in there somewhere... As well as a shout-out to RE4.**_

_**Ooh, ooh, and a reference to Avatar the Abridged Series, if you're keen enough to see it. Hell, I hear the guy's sarcastic, cynical voice every time I read it.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#3 **Party like the Dead**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As the recording of James Marcus droned on, I walked up the first flight of stairs, stopping just a few feet from the massive portrait of him.

Thinking, '_Fuck this noise,_' I glanced up high, looking left and right for those damnedable speakers. Found 'em. Taking aim, I put a bullet in both of them, silence filling the room as the echo of gunfire faded.

"Much better. Now I can hear myself think." Okie-day, time to put that grey matter to use, ma boy.

'_Now, just how in the sam hill are we going to get out of here?_' I took a knee, stroking my chin in thought. '_We need three stone tablets to lower the observatory and access the lab._'

"Obedience...Discipline...Unity." I muttered, unconsciecely drawing my knife, placing the point on the marble floor as I tried to recall the map of the Management Training Facility.

'_Basement floor has the train wreck tunnel. First floor has the foyer, bridge, bathroom and kitchen. Second floor, has the crow room and the grenade launcher. Third floor has the centipede room and observatory access. Three stone tablets._'

Where were they, again? Ah, yes. In opposite parts of this hellhole.

'_One on the bridge outside. One on the second floor, in a vise. And the last is in the basement, past the boiler room, next to the animal fountain. When we have those, we can move on to the next area. Now that we have a goal, what do I need to reach it?_'

I glanced down, looking over my MP5. '_I need a weapon; this 9 mil won't cut it._'

Then I checked my lighter on reflex, finding it not wanting to light, the bastard.

'_Aaaand I need fuel. Great. Least I can get those two within the next ten minutes._'

When I next looked to the floor, I saw my work; I'd carved a crude map of the place from what I remember when I played it last. Floor 0, the basement. Floor 1, where we currently were. Floor 2, where the most powerful weapon is. And Floor 3, where our exit is.

I'll need to find a real map of this place sometime soon, 'cuz my memory isn't for shit.

Standing, I said, "Alright. This place is a deathtrap, so keep your eyes and ears open. If either of you see or hear anything you cannot identify, or if it just plain creeps you out, say something. We'll work on covering the ground floor first, then check the second floor before making our way back down."

After turning around and unslinging the weapon from my back, I called, "Oy, Billy. Catch." Then tossed it to him, before beginning to remove the magazines from my person.

"Huh? Wait, what're you giving me this for? What're you gonna do?" He looked puzzled, but accepted the ammo I passed him.

"You'll need it more than I will. I'll make do."

And I then turned, making my way down the stairs to the door leading into the dining room as I thought,

'_Fuck you and everything you hold dear till it's bleeding from the ass and crying into a pillow, George Trevor. I can't WAIT to blow your friggin' head off, ya jackass_'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

While Roy was up next to that large portrait, Billy quietly asked, "Is it just me, or did he not answer our question at all?"

I shrugged and answered, "No, he didn't. I don't like it."

"That makes two of us."

Just then, the object of our conversation stood from where he'd been kneeling and sheathed his knife before jogging down the stairs, tossing Billy his MP5. After, he moved over to the double-doors on the right side of the room, beckoning us.

Roy was just about to open the door with this disturbing smirk on his face when Billy called, "Hey, wait."

"Hm? What is it?" He replied, turning to look at us. The creepy smile was already long gone, but I had a sneaking suspicion it would be back sooner than I'd like.

"Just who are you, anyway?"

And as Roy smirked, turning back to the door, he responded, "The name's Roy Mustang; I'm just your average unlucky, overworked, underpaid government employee. Now let's go, we're burning the midnight oil here."

Then he beckoned us over, standing on the left side of the doors.

"He's very dramatic, isn't he?" I asked, looking over to Billy.

"Very."

_'Eeeveryone's a bloody comedian,' _Roy thought with a shake of his head as we caught up to him. "Rebecca, stack up, right side." He indicated the wall on the far side of the doors. Or, as far as we could get to it, anyway.

I moved to that side of the doors, idly wondering what he meant by 'stack up.' Haven't heard that phrase before.

The younger man took Edward's gun in hand, pulling the slide back slightly before he looked at the ex-Marine, then to me. "Billy, you're kicker. Rebecca, I'll go first, then you. You two get the left side, clear?"

We both nodded, before he took a breath and pulled the hammer back. "Safeties off, check chamber." Glancing down, I found that mine was still on. Whoops. After I racked the bolt and flicked the lever down, he continued.

"Headshots only, and watch your fire. On my mark. Three. Two. One, mark!"

In that instant, Billy raised his boot and kicked the doors right on the lock, the sound of splintering wood and metal snapping accompanied by Roy's shout. "THREE TARGETS!"

***POWFUHL!*** Quickly followed by a gunshot.

I moved around the doorjam, pulling the submachinegun to my shoulder as I took in the scene. It was a dining room, a fairly ritzy one, at that. Roy was moving to the right of the room, his sights set on-

***POWFUHL!***

On the second zombie on the far side of the table, which dropped as I took aim at the third, who was just shuffling to his feet on the far left side of the room. Exhaling, I squeezed the tri-

***RATATATATATATATATATAaaaat!*** WHOA!

I pulled and held the trigger, not realizing it was on full-auto, the unexpected recoil pulling the muzzle high enough to pepper the ceiling.

But still, the zombie fell to the floor with three holes in his head. In the uncomfortable, embarassing silence that followed, all I heard was footsteps.

"And that, is why I said to leave it on semi." Roy remarked as he reached over and flicked the fire-selector on my gun. I felt my face burning, just before Billy began chuckling.

"Heheh, I think she got him, though. And whoever was on the other side of that wall. Or on the second floor."

Damn you, Billy Coen. "Shut up..."

Now both men started snickering, the bastards, just before Roy said, "Y'know, you look even cuter when you blush."

. . .

"See?"

Billy agreed. "Yeah, I think you're right."

I think I outta hit both of them.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**Back to Roy's point of view**

After teasing Rebecca, I said, "Well, since you wasted that ammo, go grab that box on the table back there," Hooking a thumb in that direction, "And divvy it up while I raid the fridge."

I moved over to the serving window and hefted myself up, vaulting over it and the sink on the other side. Once on my feet, I nabbed the can of lighter fluid and the bottles on one of the shelves, before snagging the herb on the far counter from its pot.

All that in hand, I moved back to the service window, calling, "Order up! I've got a green herb and lighter fluid, get it while it's hot."

Those two had come over to said window, taking the respective items. After they moved out of the way, I hopped up onto the sink and swung myself back into the dining room, setting the glass bottles on the table.

The medic was busy with her chemical set, quickly crushing the herb into fine bits, ready to be chewed up and spat onto any light injury. Or to be stuffed into a blunt, one or the other. Anyway, Billy was busy refilling his lighter, before flicking it on to burn off the excess.

While he was doing that, I took the can and pulled my own Zippo, taking the chance to top it off.

"How'd you know my lighter was empty?" The Marine asked me, flicking said object shut and pocketing it.

I shrugged. "Lucky guess. Besides, we'll need to light a few candles for one of the more retarded locks in this place. That, and it's handy to have a lighter around for making molotovs, which we'll need if we come across any more of those leeches."

He practically shuddered at my mention of them. "There are more of those things?"

"A LOT more. We'll be lucky if we make it out without running into at least a dozen."

From across the room, Rebecca piped up with, "That many? And just how do you know?"

Deciding to ham it up a little, "Psychic powers..." I dramatically intoned, with a completely straight face. Heheh, their expressions were just priceless, from unsurprised disbelief to their shared sardonic irritation.

Heh, wonder if they'll ever get the reference?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Some five minutes later, we were down the connecting hallway and proceding into the shotgun-ladder room, and as we stepped inside, I caught sight of a magnificent godsend.

Another USS soldier in full kit, zombified and ready for looting!

Grinning as I moved closer, I brought my SE2 to bear and tugged the trigger, sending a hollowpoint slug right through the unlucky bastard's temple. After he hit the floor, I merrily walked over, toed him over onto his back, and began the process of taking anything and everything of value off his person.

"Hm, lessee what we got with our latest catch. Three Sig 9mil mags, holster is empty, unfortunately. Aha, something useful! Dead guy's shotgun bandolier(Loaded with 20-some-odd shells) is now MY shotgun bandolier(With 20-some-odd shells, bitch). OOh, an extra knife, if either of you are so inclined. That means you, Rebecca. Don't cut yourself," I finally remarked, as I passed those named items back to their respective recipients.

A moment later, something caught my eye. Several somethings.

Round, metal, each with a ring and a lever attached. Oh, could it be?!

YES! IT IS!

"Oh, HELL yes!" Grenades galore! Four of the beauties! It's my lucky day!

Behind me, I heard the other two making snarky comments. "Does he seem to be just a little overexcited about finding another dead body?"

"Yep. At least he isn't humping it."

Ingrateful sarcastic bastards.

With a shake of my head I got to my feet,(After, collecting those lovely explosive wonders) rounding the bend of the room,(Casually smashing the other zombie's head against the shelf along the wall as I went. It' s neck snapped, by the way) and making my way to the familiar sight of an old friend of mine.

"Hel-lo, Dolly." Picking up the 12 gauge pump, I lovingly wiped off the dust and cobwebs before giving it a once over, as I found it to be an Ithaca 37 with rifle sights. 24-inch barrel, and a 6+1 tube. Not bad, not bad. I like it.

I like it _a lot._

Once again, I could hear the other two making snide remarks. "Oh, dear lord. He's found another gun."

Billy deadpanned, "Another one? The next box he looks through, dibs on whatever's inside."

Alright, that's enough. I'm the smart-alec here, dammit. Sending a look back at them,(You know which one) I impersonated John Wayne's voice as best I could. "Listen here, tonto, one more wisecrack, and it's off to the reservation. I'm the one makin' the funny one-liners around here, Billy-bob, capisce?"

Wow. Just, wow. They were both gaping at me, blinking heavily in awestruck silence.

Good effect on target!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

We returned to the foyer,(Gas tank and newly-made molotovs in hand. I left the tank next to the typewriter, for future homemade explosives) this time I lead my compatriots to the portrait of James Marcus and I cracked my knuckles, thinking,

'_Fuel, check. Weapon, check._'

"Who wants to bet that there's a secret passage hidden behind the good doctor?"

They both shrugged. "What makes you think there's something behind it?"

Hm, lemme see. "The layout of these stairs, the slight draft and unpleasant odor coming from said portrait, and of course, the fact that this place was designed by a certain architect named George Trevor. A man I hope will forever burn in hell, that sadistic prick. I'm just sorry I don't get to kill his ass myself." Bloody jaggoff. Worst-designed mansions, ever.

Of all time.

"Uh, who's George Trevor? I've never heard of him," Rebecca asked/stated, curiosity burning in her shining emerald eyes.

I couldn't suppress the groan that came up. "Georgie-boy is an asshole, plain and simple. But he's before your time, he died some twenty years ago. Both this place and the Spencer estate were designed by him. That includes all the retarded traps and puzzles inside, which we will have to navigate to get out."

Billy-Bob-Jones pointed out the glaring flaw in the plan. "Uh, why can't we just walk out the front door?" That idiot, walking out would be too EASY!

. . .

As to WHY can't we? Alright, time to show 'em.

I turned, and pointed at the front door, which was barred by the knights. Kinda. I could get past, but it would be a pain in the neck. "The doors are barred, for one. I don't feel like prying their arms off right this moment, so give me a few minutes and I'll show you why we can't walk out."

Turning, I beckoned them to follow me as I lead us into the lecture hall. When we saw it was clear, Rebecca immediately set her eyes on a file left lying in the open, which she skimmed over, shuddering as she did so. Billy was glancing at it over her shoulder, also slightly disturbed. "My god, this looks less like a company mission statement, and more like-"

"Like a cult indoctrination?" I finished for her, as I moved to the front of the room.

She sounded startled. "Uh, yeah. What are you-?"

Once up on the mini stage, I got behind the podium, and set about hacking it into opening those door. Raising a fist, I smashed through computer console, grabbing a fistfull of wires and twisting sharply.

*Pul-**Tzzzzrrrchhkltscht!***

. . .

Moments later, we could hear a grinding noise as the arms of the two nearby knights lifted themselves up, unbarring the doors and allowing passage.

_'Alright, now if only it was this easy in the game,' _ I thought with a shake of my head, as I shook out my hand and dropped back down, starting back for the foyer.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once down at the front doors, I said, "Take heart, my friends, this is not an easy scene to witness," Just before I shoved them open. Both of my companions ran up ahead, onto the broken bridge, before they both began whining when they saw the gap.

And the fall.

"Damnit! Why the hell is there a cliff here?!" -Billy

"Oh, come on! This doesn't even make sense! The ladder wasn't THAT high!" -Rebecca

Heh, don't they know? This is Nintendo-hard. Hell, this is a Capcom game. NOTHING makes sense! I made my way over to them, saying, "So, now do you see why I didn't mention it?"

Somber nods from both of them. "Well, while we're here, I might as well show you our ticket out." Pointing to the top of a nearby column, I then said, "Bill, A-frame."

After a moment, he got what I meant. We stood on either side of it, Rebecca between us. "Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?" She asked, stepping on our hands.

"Nope." And we lifted her up a good four feet, letting her nab the stone tablet up topside.

"Got it! W-WHOA!" Of course, being Rebecca, she lost her balance, toppling backwards.

With the tablet!

'_Fuck me running,_' I thought, pulling her towards me as I shifted my weight to-

"OOMPH!" Ow. To get her to land on me, so as to not crack her head, or the tablet, on the ground.

Double, ow. She was pressed up against me, the stone between her stomache and mine, those magnificent breasts of hers still smooshed against me. But, of course, this wasn't the awkward bit.

Since my luck is just like that, her lips got smashed against mine and we were stuck like that for a moment, as both our thought processes got short-circuited. Not to mention, our limbs were kinda tangled up.

"Well, aren't you two getting frisky? And on your first date, too." Billy was the first one to react, the smartass. I wanted to smack him. Right after wanting to slap Rebecca's _fine_ rump, that is. Whoops, hey! Down, boner!

After Rebecca sheepishly pulled back from me with her face bright red, I figured I had but a moment to react. Thinking quickly, I purposely stuttered, "You- You stole my first kiss!" With a completely straight face, mind you. Though it _was_ difficult to maintain.

. . .

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Billy just busted out laughing, as the medic in question was slack-jawed and embarassed beyond belief. At least, until I couldn't hold back any longer and started snickering, too, upon which, she just looked mortified.

And pissed the hell off, though she just looked even cuter when she was angry.

She extricated herself from me, stomping off towards the front door in silent angrish.

"That, was classic." Billy remarked as he pulled me to my feet, just before we started off to make sure the doe-eyed girl didn't get herself into trouble.

"I wanted to be a comedian, but no, they said I was too politically incorrect. So the government hired me instead. At least the pension's better."

We both shared another chuckle at that.

Inside, Rebecca was no longer scowling or muttering, but I didn't exactly trust the look in her eyes, either. "So what's this stone for?"

"Yeah, what gives?" Billy echoed, the edges of his mouth still twitching with mirth.

"We need three stone tablets to access the nearby laboratory, where we'll find our way out of this hellhole. Obedience, Discipline, Unity. Don't ask why, I don't know who came up with it. There are two more; one in the basement, and another on the second floor. When we have them, we'll head to the third floor observatory and move on. For now, just set that one in one of the chairs, they're a bit bulky to be carrying around."

Once she laid it on the chair, I called them to my side and began the trek up the stairs to the water door. Might as well pick up that weapon while we're here, eh?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

One swift kick to the one-sided lock brought the door wide open, allowing us passage into the hallway that lead into the observatory access. Once on the next door in this little mini-hall, I checked the chamber on my new Ithaca, and flicked off the safety before looking back to Billy who was holding the door handle.

He nodded once and threw the door open, as I stepped through.

BUGS! "We got bugs!" I shouted, getting a bead on the first one's head as I tugged the trigger.

***Ba-BOW!*** Ha ha, yes! I just love the sweet kick of a 12 gauge. The first plague crawler's entire head exploded, sending off-green gore all over the floor as the second one turned and lunged at me while I was racking my gun, readjusting my aim.

***Pow! Blam-Bang!*** Three rounds slapped it in the face, as I heard someone's MP5 going off just behind me. The bug dropped back to the floor, unmoving. Of course, being paranoid, I drew my sidearm and put two more rounds in that particular one, just to be sure. A little overkill never hurt anyone, after all.

Admit it, that was funny.

"Shit, some bugs these are. Where's the Raid?" Billy sniped, gently stepping over their carcasses.

Chuckling darkly, I hefted my new shotgun, boasting, "Heh, fuck the raid, I got me the world's most bad-ass flyswatter, right here."

Rebecca had got no further than two steps into the room, shuddering disgustedly when she saw the dead bugs. Then we both heard Billy exclaim, "Sweet baby Jesus, thank you! It's my lucky day!" He rushed over to where the grenade launcher was dropped, snatching it and the ammo up in the same instant, practically giggling like a schoolgirl all the while.

I rolled my eyes and turned to Rebecca, snidely remarking, "And you all had smart-mouthed remarks about me, huh?"

She merely shook her head with that knowing little smile of hers, the tease. Anyway, I walked over to the water door, giving the handle a tug to test it. Then I gave the thick steel an almighty kick right on the lock.

That steel then said _fuck you_ and didn't budge.

With a resigned, irritated sigh, I got down on my knee and had a look at the-

"Son of a cockgargling whore!" I cursed, having taken out my flashlight and looked inside the keyhole; serrated pins, the motherfucker. With eight tumblers, no less! What the dick? Who has this much security on a door inside the place? Did Marcus store his bloody leech-tentacle porn in here or something?

"What's wrong?" Rebecca asked, as Billy was too busy coddling the launcher to be paying much attention.

I shook my head, aggravated by the change in developments. "This door is at least two inch thick steel, with no screws I can see, and the lock's got serrated pins, the bitch."

Her head tilted. "And that means...?"

Groaning, "It means I can't pick the damn thing. Serrated pins are a cast-iron bitch to work with, and I don't wanna break any of my picks. Ain't got a spare set of 'em. You know what, fuck Umbrella, fuck George, and fuck everything they hold dear till it's bleeding from the ass and crying into a pillow. I'm gonna start bringing the Gordon Freeman special, pry these goddamn things right open." That'd learn 'em.

"Why can't we just shoot the lock off?" Billy suggested, having finally finished jizzing his pants.

He even left some greenish-white stains on the floor!(Oh c'mon, that was hilarious)

Shaking my head, I said, "Well, 'cuz it would take half a dozen shells at least, and I don't feel like wasting those or the grenades. We might need 'em later, so fuck this for now." I stood up, starting for the foyer again. "Hokay, new plan. We'll instead make our way down, and hopefully find a key while we grab that other tablet. If not, then we'll come back up here and just blast the damn thing till it gives."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Back in the foyer, I gave Marcus' painting another look. This thing slides down, if I recall, based on having equal weights on the-

Wait. Dammit, Jim, I am NOT getting those friggin' statues, screw that. So how do I-

. . .

"Oy, both of you, take those Sig handguns out and unload 'em." They both gave me puzzled looks, before I gave them a hard stare. Then they complied, handing me two empty pistols, which I then hop-skip-jumped to the top of the stairs with.

Carefully laying each on one of the scales, I waited for a brief moment.

Nothing. Well, it was worth a-

***Rumble, rumble!*** There was a grinding noise, the sound of stone-on-stone, as I heard the portrait lowering itself. Heheh, sweet.

"Whoa."

"Damn, you were right. Who the hell is narcissistic enough to build a secret passage behind their own picture?"

I shrugged, joining them. "Someone narcissistic enough to have their own ugly mugg displayed as the central piece of a grand room like this."

"Point taken," Billy said, shaking his head as all three of us peered down the dark stairway.

There was a scuttling noise heard deep down inside, which I was not looking forward to. Turning to my new friends, I said, "Well, guys, let's go looting!"

And down we went, into the abyss.

Or, well, how about _Into The Nothing?_ That works, doesn't it?

**[Cue Music; Into The Nothing, by Breaking Benjamin; Album, Dear Agony. **_**Y'know, just because it's an awesome song, and we need some background music**_**]**

We descended, deeper and deeper into the darkness, the beam of my flashlight cutting through the murk ahead of us. "Into the nothing, we go."

Not that either of them got the reference. Shame, it's a good song. "What's that from?" Rebecca asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. Probably becuase she was scared shitless.

"It's a song, about making the choice to go where you are certain you will never return from. You could say it's based on a soldier's willingness to undertake a suicide mission, not for glory or fame, but because it needs to be done for the sake of the people he is fighting to protect."

She chuckled nervously. "Is that the best thing to be said when we're walking into the unknown?"

Heheh, she IS cute as all hell. "Probably not, but there's only one way to find out. Roll the dice."

We finally bottomed out(Unfortunately, I wasn't bottoming out inside the pretty girl next to me. My inner-pervert is starting to irritate me) at the end of the staircase, where a dim light on the ceiling ahead of us showed a hallway that lead to the left. "Alright, here we are. Both of you be careful and watch your surroundings. Rebecca, glue yourself to my ass and Billy, you're on rear security. Try not to stare at Rebecca's rear too much. Let's go."

Ignoring the way Becky glared at Billy for a moment, I took point, taking my handgun and flashlight in hand, more worried about seeing my enemy rather than hitting it with the shotgun. Ten feet further, We went around the corner and found-

"BY THE EYEBROWS OF EUGENE LEVY!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**I DO NOT OWN FULL METAL ALCHEMIST. DISCLAIMER HAS BEEN MADE.**

_**There is a reference to Red Vs Blue in here. My fellow Halo fans, rejoice!**_

_**Also, there's a Battlefield 3 reference in there somewhere, as well as an obvious shout-out to RE4. AND, of course, the obligatory Edsworld gag. Great little cartoon. There's even one for Bulletstorm! There is another obvious one, a reference to my fellow author on the LPA, The Dark Id.**_

_**Now, to everyone, there is a wonderful little series of "Let's Play" Stories for the Resident Evil series on the Let's Play Archives, all written by The Dark Id.(who, of course, is going to murder the crap out of me for stealing his puns. Really, he's on my doorstep with a shotgun, shouting something about having finally found all 37 pieces of it that had been scattered around the neighborhood. He's rather irate about that)**_

_**They are fucking hilarious. This dude, is a genius of comedy.**_

_**Seriously. Go read 'em. Especially the ones for Resident Evil 0, 1, and 4. Those are the best ones, in my *humble* opinion. Of course, number 4 is the best, but still; the ghost of a homicidal, foul-mouthed, jerkass jew haunting the girl who killed him was the single funniest bit I've seen in a loooong time.**_

_**Oh yeah, just to make you laugh, "BY THE EYEBROWS OF EUGENE LEVY!"(The fuddy-duddy father from American Pie. You all know who he is, don't lie)**_

_**...Best line ever. Period, end of report. I have already begun using that on sheer reflex, it's so funny. Thanks again, Dark Id. You're awesome.**_

_**I OFFICIALLY stamp him with the Blade8821-APPROVED seal of great authors, and reccommend any and all fans of Resident Evil to go read his stuff. Not many can claim to be approved by someone as finnicky as moi.**_

_**It's the least I can do for hijacking his punch lines. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and hide the different components of the shotgun shells in my garden, refridgerator, and the attic. That, and I'll remove the handle from the ammo-making tool in the basement, then toss it in the fishtank. Maybe hide the gunpowder in the doghouse, behind Fluffy.(My English Bullmastiff)**_

_**And of course, place the front door key on the roof after fully disassembling the ladder, hiding the screws in a wrapped sandwich in a locked lunchbox.**_

_**I will, of course, hide the key to it in Fluffy's collar. I should also note, there are no crowbars OR screwdrivers in my house.**_

_**THAT should take the wind out of his sails!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

**Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum **

_**"If You Wish For Peace; Prepare For War"**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#4 _**Monkey Business**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"BY THE EYEBROWS OF EUGENE LEVY!" Billy shouted,(Practically squealed) the giant spider freaking him out. I simply took aim the the creepy, hairy bastard as it turned to look at us.(Pretty sure it was thinking, _What little girl shouted that?)_

"Die, you eight-legged freak!" ***Bang-Pow-Bam!*** Three shots in quick succession through its head,(Causing said head to practically explode in a mess of gore and chitin) and the webspinner was no more. I quickly moved up, giving the thing a kick to make sure it was dead.

It didn't move, but both of my companions cringed away from the thing, shuddering.

I shook my head, saying, "Watch for these things, I'm pretty sure they're poisoness." Leading the way further ahead, I pocketed my flashlight and holstered my sidearm in favor of pulling my shotgun.(Luckily, it had a sling on it. Must have a horseshoe up my ass or something) I don't like using handguns for anything bigger than a dog that isn't a zombie.

There was a relatively dim light coming from around the corner up ahead, but we could still hear scuttling noises; I cautiously moved up, silently creeping along the wall, switching hands with my weapon. Rebecca quickly scampered over the dead spider, getting right under my feet; I could hear her teeth chattering, even.

'_Guess she's not very fond of spiders. Well, to be fair, neither am I,'_ I thought, holding a hand behind me to keep her from getting too close into my workspace.(Wouldn't want to whack her on the mouth if I have to back up quickly. I'd hate to mess up that pretty face of hers) After I had both hands back on my gun, I glanced around the corner, instantly pulling back once I saw what was down there.

Two more targets, one eight feet ahead, the other at the end of the hall, clinging to the wall; just like in the games. Not sure if I should be happy or sad about that, though.

Taking a breath and leaning out around the corner, I set my sights on the first zombie-spider, pulling the trigger- ***Ba-BOW!*** And sending a round of buckshot through the side of its head. The thing twitched, or should I say, spazzed out and died, white-ish green blood and gunk seeping out onto the floor.

After I rounded the corner, beckoning the others to follow, I set my sights on the last one, moving down the corridor with a purpose. Kicked the second dead one out of my way, got within five feet of the last one and stopped.

The spider twitched in annoyance, turning itself around to glare at me.

My response?

I racked my shotgun.

The outcome of such a meeting was predictable. I kicked this one to the side of the hall, marched to the door at the end and raised my boot, kicking the door right on the lock, following through as the mechanism snapped and the door flew inward.

Gun raised, eyes scanning the room, I finally said, "Forward area clear."

Billy and Rebecca scurried inside, the big guy kicking the door shut behind him. Looking around, this room was unassuming, with nothing obvious to the untrained eye. Except another door right next to us.

Ignoring the desk, which had something of interest to Rebecca, who picked it up as I opened the next door. Inside, was a candlelit room of stone, with heavy iron chains all around.

"Huh. George must've hired Dante to do the interior decorating down here." (Ba-dum-CHA!)

On the other side of the room, there was a large vent on the right-side wall, big enough for a large grown man to fit through. Looking it over, I asked, "So, who wants to go through the second dark, scary hole we've seen tonight?"

Of course, I didn't get any volunteers. "Do we really have to? I mean, what could even be back there?" Rebecca asked, fearfully staring up at the vent, as though she expected some kinda monster to come bursting out at any moment.

"Power controls to the boiler. Once we get to those, we should be able to get to a different part of the basement, where one of those damn tablets outta be. Billy, give Rebecca a boost once I'm up, then stay here and hold this room. Make sure nothing creeps up on us." I moved right up to the wall directly below the vent, bent my knees and jumped, reaching.

Catching hold of the bottom lip, I pulled myself up and tossed my shotgun in before pulling myself the rest of the way in, head first. Once up and inside, I pulled my flashlight and kept it in one hand with the other on my boomstick.(The 12 gauge, not my bigger one)

The vent was clear, not even a cobweb in sight. It was at least fifteen, twenty feet long, but I could see a light coming from the end of it. Great.

After moving a good six feet ahead, I called back, "Alright, get up here, Becs. And get the damn safety on before you toss that piece!"

Could'a sworn I heard her muttering, "How did he even know..." Heh, baby, I am fucking psychic. I could even tell you what color your panties are.(White with pink stripes) Beyond that, you're easier to read than a childrens' comic book.

Hoping the damn vent wouldn't collapse on me, I crawled through until I was on the other end of it, where I glanced in, down and around, before flipping onto my back and carefully pulling myself further out.

Upper body hanging out, I slung my shotgun onto my shoulder and swung myself the rest of the way, dropping down onto my feet. Drawing my pistol, I turned and took aim, putting a bullet through Marcus' damned camera before even moving into its field of vision.

Satisfied that the asshole wouldn't be spying on us, I holstered and looked back to the vent, just in time to see Rebecca poke her head out. "Roy? What's wrong?"

Shaking my head, "Nothing, just an annoying fly on the wall. Here, pass me that piece before you drop it."

She handed me her MP5, sliding herself out a little further. After setting it against the wall, I moved right under the vent. "Alright, now flip onto your back and pull yourself out. Don't worry about falling, I'll catch you."

"I hope so." She struggled for a few moments, easing herself out inch-by-inch, trying to keep her weight on her hands. Not too bad, figuring this is the first time she's had to pull herself out of a vent headfirst, ten feet over a stone floor.

The trick isn't to pull yourself out, but to _swing_ yourself out; use the momentum to keep yourself in the air for just a second longer, to pull your feet free and get them under you. Remember to bend your knees or you'll deeply regret it when you hit the floor. Oh, and don't pitch forward, unless you want to taste the wall.

But, of course, this is Rebecca Chambers.

"W-whoa!" She slipped and fell, just barely keeping herself from tumbling. With a resigned sigh, I braced myself and bent my knees as her weight landed on my arms, taking all that momentum without letting myself fall. I had one heh-heh-HELL of a time not groping her ass when I caught her, damnit. I was tempted, very tempted. "Th-thanks," She muttered, face bright red for some reason or other.

Hey, wasn't me this time. I kept my hands off of her posterior, if only just.

Suddenly, _"HEY! You guys okay?" _Billy's voice came through the vent, tinted with worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" Rebecca called back, nevermind that her mouth was right next to my damn ear. Ow.

Rolling my eyes, I set the blushing medic on her feet, reminding myself NOT to let my hand 'accidentally' slide over her plush rear end, belt pouch be damned. It took effort, I can tell you that.(As you can see, it's been awhile for me) "Yes yes, you're welcome, thanks for deafening me."

Another muttered apology, before she turned and got a good look around the room.(Giving me another, even better look at her lovely tail and shapely hi- DAMNIT, bad libido! Down, boner!)

"Oh- Oh god..."

I nodded, also feeling a little creeped out by the room furnishings. They were all too familiar. "Well, looks like a rape dungeon to me. Must be Marcus' little _Happy Room._"(I admit, finger quotes were used. I am officially a douchebag) Looking back to her, I then deadpanned, "Get on your knees, and tell me you love me."

Oh, the look on her beautiful, blushing face was just _priceless._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

*_**WHAPK!**_*

Billy jumped, startled by the extremely loud noise that came from the vent. It kinda sounded like-

"_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!_"

Like a very loud, very hard slap, which was soon followed by raucious laughter. The laughing was obviously Roy,(As Billy doubted that little Rebecca, masculine as her voice was, could have a laugh with that much bass behind it) but he had no idea as to what just happened.

"_F-fucking pervert!_"

...Though he did have a sneaking suspicion.

Several more long minutes passed, before Billy heard something ominous.

***CLICK-CHKUH!***

Training kicked in and Billy threw himself to the floor face-first out of sheer habit, then began wildly looking around for some sort of trap or threat that was the source of that noise.

After a tense two minutes of nothing, the Marine got back up, glancing to the vent. He was about to call after the other two, when he saw a pair of feet coming out; black leather combat boots connected to legs covered by black cargo pants.

Roy. Though why in the hell he was coming through feet-first, Billy had no idea. It took him another ten seconds before he shoved himself fully out, hanging onto the lip of the vent, then kicking off the wall to land in a crouch.

He got up without a word, heading back to stand under the vent for another minute before Rebecca's head popped out, a fierce blush marring the ferocious(What she was trying for) scowl on her face.

To be honest, it made her look rather cute.

While he was helping her get down, Billy asked, "So what was all that about?"

Roy started chuckling. "Oh, nothing, we just found a rape dungeon on the other side. Rebecca wanted to ride the horse, and didn't get the joke I made."

"Oh, shut up!"

Shaking his head with an amused smirk, the Lieutenant replied, "Really? Well, what was it?"

Setting Rebecca on her feet, he turned, deadpanning, "Get on your knees and tell me you love me."

. . .

"Pff, hahahahahahaha! That's a pretty good one!" Home Alone 2 was a great movie. Really outta go and see that again, sometime.

"Heh, so did I, but she didn't get it!"

Looking between us, Rebecca was starting to get annoyed. "Alright, what is it? I thought you were making some kind of innuendo!"

Finally getting over the laughing fit, Billy explained it. "He was, that's a line from a comedy movie. I'm honestly surprised you haven't seen it; Home Alone? The one about the kid left by himself on Christmas?"

She shrugged. "Never heard of it." Wow.

"You must've had a sad little childhood, didn't you? Wait, no, you're still a child."

At the Marine's joke, she indignantly squeaked, "Hey!"

Both men just started laughing again. It was probably a good thing that we could laugh, in such a godforsaken place.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Now where are we headed?"

I shoved open the door in front of me, checking left and right before stepping through. "The basement. There's a seperate staircase that leads down, where we should be able to find the second tablet. Beyond that, I do believe there's an armory of some sort down there, though everything in it has been sitting there for the better part of a decade, at least. We should be able to find some supplies, maybe even a few working firearms."

Billy was slightly annoyed by this. "And, uh, WHY didn't we go there first?"

"Because it's a pain in the ass getting down there. To get past the boiler, which was designed to emit scalding steam to block passage to the hallway that leads to the stairs, you have to cut power to it from the device in the rape dungeon on the other side of the basement."

At my explanation, he replied, "Isn't that kindof a pain in the ass just to get into the basement?"

"Yep."

Silence followed, until, "Yeah, I'm with you. George Trevor's an asshole."

"Heh, tell me something I don't know." I hopped down the steps and through the metal gate into the boiler room, the other two following close behind. Further down, it was still very warm and humid, even after the machine stopped functioning.

We'd gotten no more than a few steps when Rebecca whined, "Geeze, it's like a sauna in here. I don't blame you for wanting to turn the thing off." Fanning herself for several moments, she then tugged at her shirt and vest, giving me a perfect peek at her lovely, jiggling mounds of soft, milky-

Damnit, bad libido!

Shaking unspeakable thoughts from my head, I lead the way around the big-ass machinery and through the U-shaped passageway, calling, "Rebecca, grab at least one of those blue ones, we might need 'em," Indicating the herbs lying in pots on the floor, attempting to keep her from further distracting me with those assets of hers. She quickly ducked to the side, bending down to collect the ones nearest the stairs, showing off that taut ass of hers, waggling it just enough to draw the eye to those well-concealed but arousing curves as they swayed from side to side, hypnotizing me with that curvacious poster-

DAMNIT!

Slogging down to the door rather awkwardly/uncomfortably, I checked that it was unlocked before turning the creaky, rusted iron handle to get a quick look inside, eager to get my mind on anything other than the jailbait's ass.

Wait. She's actually older than me, right? Yeah, eightteen, so technically, I'm the jailbait in this scenario. Damn, that's just-

"What do you see?" Billy asked, just behind me.

I managed not to jump when he startled me out of my thoughts. "Monkeys. Lots of 'em." Shutting the door and turning back, "Did I ever tell you that I hate monkeys?"

He gave me a raised-eyebrow look, deadpanning,(With a mullet! He deadpanned with a MULLET!) "Join the club."

Chuckling, I looked further back and pulled Becky into our conversation as she trodded down the stairs. "Say, kiddo, you up for exterminating a few silverbacks?"

"Huh? What about gorillas?"

Heheh, cute.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Billy and Roy both took their positions on either side of the door as the younger man said, "These things are T-virus infected monkeys; they're small, they're quick, and their teeth are like razors. Whatever happens, don't let 'em jump on your back. I'll take left, you two cover the far-side corridor. Got it?"

I nodded, as did the the Marine.

"Good. Let's go!" And then Roy threw the door open, rushing inside with his shotgun at the ready. Billy quickly followed, and I was right on his heels, flicking my weapon's safety off.

The room we entered was made of the same stone we saw before, covered in shadows, lit only by candles. In the center of it, was a large, ornate fountain.

***Ba-BOW!*** The retort of a shotgunblast echoed throughout the room, followed by the sound of something hitting the floor, hard.

"Three more!" Roy shouted, firing again into something unseen. I moved just ahead of Billy, turning and looking down my sights. On the other side of the fountain, was a think metal gate, along with-

Two monokeys, both rushing towards Roy!

'_Exhale, and squeeze._' I thouh, setting the front sight on the closest one. '_Lead it... And-_'

***RATATATATATATAAAT!*** Uh-oh.

This time, I half-expected the recoil and kept it on target; the first monkey dropped, flipping over and over as it slid across the floor, dead.

***P-p-powfuhl!*** Three more shots from Billy's MP5, and the last one stopped moving. I'd gotten lucky, I guess, since one of my bullets caught its leg, causing it to do a cartoon-esque faceplant. Roy moved over and gave each of them a kick, making sure they were dead. The other two he had killed were a mess, their heads replaced by a splatter of gore across the cobblestone floor.

I suppressed a shudder at the awful smell, noting the look Roy sent me. "Put it on auto again, didn't you?"

Chuckling sheepishly, I tried, and failed, to keep from blushing. "Eheh, sorry." He merely shook his head.

"Forget it. Y'all get comfortable, this'll take a minute." And he then busied himself bustling around the fountain, a lighter in his hand as he muttered to himself. Something about _fucked-up food chains_ and _completely retarded puzzles,_ or some such.

Either way, Billy and I stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes, the scuffle of footsteps and stifled curses echoing around the room.

Until he asked the question that was on my mind, anyway. "What the hell are you doing, anyway?"

Roy finished lighting one last candle before replying. "Opening the gate." A moment later, there was a grating sound as said gate slid into the ceiling, allowing passage into a short corridor.

"...So in order to open the gate, you have to light all the candles on that fountain, in a specific order, I take it? One involving a sequence related to those statues?" The ex-Lieutenant sardonically droned, all the while looking like he was sitting on a thstle.

Roy nodded with that cynical look on his face, waltzing into the short passageway. "Yep. Wait here, be back in two seconds."

We heard a heavy door open and close, just before Billy and I turned to look at each other.

The awkward; strong, it is.

Though we didn't get much chance to actually say anything before Roy reappeared, another stone tablet in hand. "Alrighty, then, folks, let's hit up that armory." Whistling a cheery tune, he brushed past us without even waiting to see if we were following.

He's a cheeky bastard, isn't he?

Well, through that connecting hall we'd earlier seen, he pulled open the first door we saw, stepping into the murky darkness. "These stairs are slick, so watch your step!" He called, disapprearing from view.

Billy and I shared another look. "Ladies first," He taunted, snickering as I scowled.

They're both bastards.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I leaned out around the corner, gauging enemy numbers before coming back and checking the chamber of my Ithaca. Good to go.

Fetching another shell and making sure the tube was topped off, I glanced back up the stairs for the others-

_*WHUMPK!*_

"OOF!"

And promptly got bowled ass-over-teakettle by something small, heavy and soft.

'_Damnit, I missed one!_' Not even hitting the ground yet, I shifted my weight and twisted my body mid-air, getting my shotgun between us and a pistol in hand before we landed with myself on top of-

Rebecca.(Red-faced, of course) With her lovely tits pressed against me in such a-

'_Duhh, what just happened? Duhh, the klutz just fell down the stairs and you're in missionary. With a boner, no less,_' I thought, just as I heard Billy whistling behind us.

"Well, aren't you two comfortable?" That mocking bastard.(Uncomfortable, actually; this damn cup was _really_ cramping my junk) I scrambled to my feet, turning to give him a piece of my mind when-

"S-s-s-s-_SPIDERS!" _

Uh-oh. Agh, fuck my life.

Instinct kicking in, I spun and grabbed Becks, yanking her off the ground as I dove backwards, pulling us both out of the way of a massive lugie one of the webspinners just spat at us. Landing hard at Billy's feet, I glanced up to see the Marine firing, putting a half-dozen rounds in the first monster.

I looked to where the other one was, on the ceiling. It was rearing back, ready to-

No time.

And just like before, time seemed to dilute, the color of the world skewed into greyscale.

_Rolling the starstruck girl off my chest and pitching forward into a crouched position, I raised my Beretta, setting the sights and tugging the trigger._

_Once. *__**Bang!**__*_

_Twice. *__**Boom!**__*_

_Thrice. *__**Pow!**__*_

_Four times, before the first shell touched the floor. All four rounds struck the overgrown spider dead in the eyes, the creature slipping from the ceiling as it died._

_And just as first piece of brass touched the floor- _

Everything sped back up into normality. Breathing hard at the unexpected exertion, I pulled myself up just after Billy finished shooting, both webspinners dead. I glanced back to the girl, offering a hand.

Rebecca was wide-eyed with surprise and something else I couldn't identify, but she swallowed and took it, as I pulled the girl to her feet and retook my shotgun. Neither she nor Billy said a word as I turned and started walking, waving them up.

They were both on my heels within seconds as I marched down the hall and straight to the double doors at the end. Shoving them open, I was greeted by two paths; one going up a short flight of metal stairs and into an armory/control-room style area, and a different set of stairs to my left, that lead down into the BOW combat application testing lab.(Arena)

But, you know me. Grinning maniacally, "Heheheheh, boys and girls, _let's go looting!" _I exclaimed with glee, practically diving into the room and beginning to sort through all the various boomsticks within.

"Oh, it's beginning to look a lot, like Christmas! Guns in ALL the stores..." Billy sang in an off-key countryboy rendition of the redneck version of that timeless Christmas song, as he jogged to catch up to me.

Back next to the door, I heard Rebecca sigh and mutter to herself,(I have good hearing, so sue me. I can detect an emo sigh from a mile away! ESPECIALLY that of a female, 'cuz goth/emo chicks are hot. Seriously, they are. But, uh, don't get 'em mixed up) "Geeze, they're like overgrown children in a candy store."

Anyway.

Back to the gun harem!

"Ho, ho, ho-ly shit!" Th-the entire lower right-hand shelves under the counter...

Were lined with 500 round mil-surplus ammo cans, of every cartridge you could imagine, accompanied by magazines of all sorts, shapes and sizes!

"I'm in heaven. All that's missing is the couch, fridge, TV and a centerfold on the wall," Billy mumbled, starstruck by his dreams of the perfect Mancave.

Cackling to myself, I pointed to a spot on the wall right next to the door we'd walked in through. "They've gotcha covered on that last one." He turned, observing the Playboy centerfold tacked up like a calender, displaying some lovely lady's lovely posterior on full display, with her coy eyes peeking out from between her legs.

Fucking, awesome. Heh, I wonder if I could convince Rebecca to take a similar pose for m-

. . .

Billy and I suddenly shared a look. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"Hell, yes."

We both looked back out the door, calling, "Oh Rebeccaaa..."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**OOOkieday, do y'all see the Edsworld reference?**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"Remember, kids; life isn't anything like a box of chocolates, more like a jar of jalapanos. What you decide upon today, might very well burn your ASS tomorrow!" -**_**Unknown**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**My response at seeing the new Para-USA 14.45 Black Ops? **_**"Will donate organs for one!"***_

_*Does not guarantee one of MY organs._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**There he goes, one of God's own prototypes; some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die**." _**-Hunter S. Thompson. Describes our protagonist quite well, doesn't it? **_


	5. Chapter 5

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

_"_**Man is, by nature, a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally, is either beneath our notice or more than human. Anyone who does not partake of society is either a beast, or a god." **_**-Aristotle**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#5 _**HELL yeah!**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"It's official; you're both sick in the head," Rebecca deadpanned, having seen the centerfold and our matching grins.

"I plead no contest, but you love us anyway. Now c'mon and gimme a hand, we've got plenty of ordnance to sort through." I moved towards the nearest rack of rifles, finding three MP5 submachineguns in varying setups; two MP5N's with the telescoping stock, and one MP5K PDW.(Popgun Devoid of Whoopass. Seriously, it's a handgun with a stock that can empty 30rnd magazines in two seconds flat. That's 900 rpm, for ya. Think 'Glock 18 with a stock')

They looked old and fairly beat-up; plenty of dents but no rust on the blued steel, and the polymer's black color had faded to light grey over the years. Aside from those, there were three actual rifles. A pair of good ol' AK47's(The newer AKM model, actually) and one FN FAL battle rifle. Now those looked like they've seen better days.

Aside from the scratches and dings in the steel, plus the warped wood on one of the stocks, there was also quite a bit of rust between them. It wasn't until I got closer that I noticed that one of them-

"Son of a protestant whore!" What kind of bloody fucking asshat piece of shit would leave such a beautifuly crafted example of machinery like _this?_

"What? What's wrong?" Rebecca panickedly asked, coming up next to me.

I scowled, picking up the nearest Kalashnikov. "Some worthless cockbite fucked up all three of these rifles. See the barrel? The entire muzzle is canted, got bent out of shape by at least fifteen degrees. This thing couldn't hit the broad side of an aircraft carrier without reforging it into shape." Shaking my head, I dropped it back on the rack. "Still can't see how someone managed to do that, at least without mucking up the entire gas system at the same time."

As I reached for the second AKM,(I saw the FAL had its own problems; the underside of the reciever was rusted clean through. It would probably desintigrate within ten shots) I saw the stock and grip were warped to the point that they weren't just out-of-spec; I was ablt to rip the entire stock clean off, as the wood had rotted from the inside out.

"Tch, worthless." Tossing that aside, I opened up the top cover, glancing inside. "Agh, fuck me sideways."

Rebecca leaned around me, looking to see what had my attention now. "What's wrong now?"

I set the cover on the counter, reaching into the reciever to pull out the bolt and piston assembly. "The action spring is rusted through, ditto with the bolt and piston. That means it's a boat anchor, completely useless."

"Is there any way for you to fix it?"

Shrugging, I dropped the bolt on the counter, setting the rifle itself down next to it. "I can cannibalize the other rifle for parts, see if I can't get at least one of 'em working. Find me a flathead screwdriver and some WD-40 or CLP, I'll see if the other one's as bad off."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Alright, here's hoping." After some five minutes of switching out the grips, stock, bolt and then performing basic maintainence, I had one AKM rifle assembled.(Thank god for pipe cleaners) No wobble in this stock, at least. I pulled the bolt a few times to work out some of the girttiness, then grabbed the nearest mag.

Check, unloaded. It clacked into place with a positive *_Cli-chkh!_* Closely followed by a quick function test of the FCG.(Fire control group. Safety and trigger)

"Seems to be working," The medic remarked, still looking at the weapon in question.

"Won't know if it is until I load up and pull the trigger. Hey Billy, whatcha' got?" I looked back to where the Marine was fiddling with something or other on the other bench.

He turned, shrugging. "Not much. Most of these things are busted, and whatever's in one piece is no better than what we've already got. Seems the HK's are the only things that have survived down here for so long."

"If you've got an FAL reciever, the one over here has some parts that aren't entirely rusted through." I hooked a thumb towards the rifle in question before I set down my own new piece, then set about searching for a sling.

Now where would they hide one of those? Hm. "Either of you checked that locker, yet?"

"Nah, s'locked," Billy-Bob commented, already picking up that rusted FN.

I chuckled, sauntering up to the locker in question. "I have yet to meet a lock I couldn't _un_lock." Kneeling down to get a look, I found that the mechanism was heavily rusted. No locking-picking is gonna happen, here.

"Then what about that big metal door upstairs?"

Why that miserable little brat.

Looking back to the cheeky, smirking little girl, "I haven't given up on that, I just didn't want to waste the ammo."

She rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh." Damn that abomidably cute, sarcastic expression!

Turning back to the other thing that was annoying me, I drew my knife and stabbed it into the space between the doors. "One for the money," I wiggled it a little to loosen it up. "Two for the show," I worked the blade in deeper, so I wouldn't damage the tip.

"Three to get ready," Then positioned myself so the door wouldn't whack me in the nuts when it flew open. "And four to open the fuck up!" I wrenched my knife to the side, the rusted steel of the cheap lock snapping like chickenbone.

Of course, the door flew open, revealing the cabinet's less-than-stellar contents. "Well, that was a bust." Some manuals, a can of CLP, that duralumin case, another couple'a real old porn mags, ect. Might as well see what's on the other side-

"By the fuck-mothering power of greyskull..." My jaw just _dropped._ This was definately NOT in the game.

Rebecca was at my side nearly instantaneously. She must be part cat. "What is it?"

I reached into the cabinet, irritatedly smacking away the spider that was guarding my prize. "A bloody _godsend._"

(_**You're welcome, by the way**_)

Yeah, yeah, thanks mate.

Ahem.

Inside the cabinet was a plastic pistol case. Rather inconspicuous, except for one thing; it had a small lock keeping it shut, and the letters _WC_ on the top. Now there is only ONE company that I know of, who makes handguns and carries those initials. Picking it up, I found that it was, indeed, full of gun. It was heavy, around three and a half pounds or more. This thing has to be at least ten years old, so I hope it's still in working condition.

Standing and moving to the closest counter, I set the box down and grabbed a large screwdriver that was nearby, jamming it into that small lock. With a quick twist, the plastic snapped, the lock coming free. I dropped them to the side before opening this box of Pandora.

"Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath..."(Too many references? Okay, I'll stop. You filthy english pig-dog)

That pesky, nosy medic stuck her nose over my shoulder.(Not really, more like around my arm. She's way too short to try looking over me in any way that isn't ogling) "...It's just a gun."

I blinked, turning to give her a look, chastising her for her blasphemy. "This is not just _any_ gun; this is a Wilson Combat."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Rebecca deadpanned, with a straight face, even.

Wait, shit. This is '98, so I guess old Bill hasn't harnessed the power of the internet, just yet. Hold on. This facility has been closed up for, what, ten years? Fuck, this must be one of their earliest in-house weapons! "Not to _you,_ but anyone who owns a 1911 can tell you that Bill Wilson is one of the finest pistolsmiths in the world. Old John Browning himself would be proud. This gun would've been hand-built more than a decade ago, and I'm willing to bet it still runs."

Turning back to the other beauty in the room, I hefted the steel weapon, looking it over. There was still a coating of oil on it, along with some dust. A quick wipedown with an old rag fixed that; the gun was blued so dark the finish looked black. Novak cut sights; interesting, considering the year. Along with those, it had the standard fare of any custom 1911. Beavertail, skeleton hammer, longer trigger, undercut trigger guard, checkered front strap, extended safety, even a picatinny rail, which was downright shocking.

Pretty much the usual stuff you'd see on any high-end 1911. I gripped the slide, relishing the ballbearing-like feel as I pulled it back. THAT, is the telltale mark of a Wilson. The slide racks so smoothly, you'd think it was on rollers. Shit, not even a speck of dust inside. Locking it back, I dropped the mag, finding it empty. No markings on it, other than being an eight-rounder. The case held four more; lucky me.

"Hey, Roy?" I turned, taking in the unidentifiable expression on the girl's face. "It's a gun, not a woman. Stop fondling it."

Shaking my head, I went back to the _silent_ beauty as I deadpanned, "The gun has a better sense of humor than you do, Becks." Quick field strip,(None of that bullshit full-length guiderod crap, thankfully) and I found everything checked out. No rust, still got oil on it, and everything fits tighter than Dick's hatband. Alright, now to find me some ammo.

Pulling it back together and settling the weapon in its new home,(The crossdraw holster on my vest) I set about finding some 45ACP. Of course, there was plenty inside that cabinet. Three-count 'em-3 boxes of fifty rounds.

J.

H.

P.

Can I get a FUCK YEAH?

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Once I finished loading up and snagging a few boxes of standard FMJ for later,(Just in case) I directed Rebecca to man the console.(Yeah, I know, contradiction. She couldn't _man_ anything!)

"Alright! Becs, take the controls and try not to get me killed, I'm going to check out the deathtrap down below. Billy-Bob-Jones, you're on security. Don't let anything maul Rebecca, she's our ticket outta here." That said, I hop-skip-jumped down the stairs and into the arena.

It's more commonly known as the 'killzone.' After that thought finished, I began snickering to myself. "Heh, heheh, welcome to the _Danger Zone._" Looking up, I then shouted, "Oy! Hit the leftmost button!"

Just as she called back, "Okay!" The first gate lowered itself into the floor, heavy *_Clunking_* and *_Thunking_* noises betraying just how much machinery was situated under our feet.

I stepped up to the next gate and thought, '_Fuck this, bet I can vault that._'

"Hup!" And so I did. With a quick jump, reach and climb, I pulled myself over the damned thing and dropped down. Easier than I thought it'd be.(Doubly so for you, ya lazy bastards) I picked up the forty-mike rounds carelessly tossed left on the floor and then repeated the vaulting process a few more times.

That done, I punched the big red button with the yellow 'DO NOT PRESS' sign just above it. Hey, I technically didn't press it, so there.

_"__**AHHN-AHHN! **__Battle sequence initiated. Locking door."_ An irritating, grating synthetic voice announced from out-of-fucking-nowhere, just before a steel lattice dropped down over the exit. This was then followed by the monster gates raising themselves, just before a pair of hunters dropped in for dinner.

"ROY!" I heard someone with a decidedly feminine voice scream my name in absolute terror, but I ignored it in favor of dealing with the other pest before me. When the first green bastard screeched and attempted to lunge at me, I introduced it to my good friend,

Mikhail Kalashnikov.

***BATATATATATATATATAAAAT!***

Of course, all hunters and their kin have a particularly sensitive allergy to lead.(And/or brass, depending on your munition of choice) This one suffered from a severe case of what we like to call, _headasplode-itis._

*Beat*

What, you think you can come up with something better than that? Well go ahead, say it out loud and see if it makes you feel any better about yourself, Bond.

Anyway, without bothering to expose myself to the other hunter in the area, I decided to exterminate it with extreme prejudice from around a corner by emptying the magazine in its general direction. It was a very small, very cramped mini-coridor, and those reptilian bastards are very wide-set. He didn't have much chance of dodging, the little chode.

Right after my weapon clicked dry, I hopped backward, drawing my brand-new(To me) forty-five before peeking outward to make sure the fucker wouldn't jump out at me. Fortunately for me, my luck held out. The hunter was now nothing more than a bloody pile of scaly, green Swiss cheese.

I nodded to myself, satisfied with my rifle's performance. After a quick reload, I snatched up that pesky water key and quickly made my escape, now that the gates had opened back up. On my way up the stairs whistling a cheery tune, I was suddenly and inexplicably blindsided by something small, heavy and soft.

Again.

"OMIGOD! I thought those things were going to get you!"

_'Not now, damnit! Go down! Down, I say!'_

Er, ahem, after extricating myself from the young girl's debilitatingly arousing embrace, I scoffed. "Hah! This is ME you're talking about. As if a scaly little chode like that could kill me. I say again, hah! Anyway, I've got the key we need to get outta here, so lets beat-feet."

Right above us, Billy-Bob just shook his head. "Show off."

After filling up on ammo and everything else we might need for our trip through hell, we made our way back up and to the foyer, where we dropped a pair of duffle bags full'a goodies and that tablet, right next to the other one. Along the way, I grabbed the vest off one of the dead USS members we'd earlier killed.

This one had pouches for rifle mags. After switching my gear over and getting it on,(Unfortunately, not with Rebecca. Ba-dum-cha!) I chuckled to myself. "Heheh, it must be Christmas morning and no one told me."

"I'm not even touching that one." The former Marine remarked with a shake of his mullet-bound head.

"Well, then make yourself useful and start 'touching' up some molotovs, we're gonna need 'em." I double-checked the fit of my new vest, making sure everything was down snug. It fit pretty well for some dead guy's kevlar. Didn't stink too badly of rot, either.

Eheh, not that I'd wear it to a wedding.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Billy got to work on cooking up some homemade explosives, but both he and Rebecca gave each other a subtle look. For some reason, I don't think that's a good sign.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Up we went, dropping the bags, tablets and excess gear next to the statue holding the scales. Feeling much lighter now, I lead this ragtag little squad through two doors and back into the water door room. Pulling that damnedable key from my pocket, I slid it into the lock with utmost care, slowly turning it until that telltale *Click!* told me that it was now unlocked. "So, why was that key all the way down there in the basement?" Rebecca asked, head tilted.

I shrugged as I slowly edged the door open, glancing inside. "Not sure. Guess it was on one of the researchers who was unlucky enough to be picked to feed the BOW's. They ate his sorry pale ass and the key got dropped down one of the chutes. That, or one of the hunters ate and shit it out. Which would be why I'm wearing gloves." Of course, I deadpanned those last two statements.

Eheheheh, it was still amusing to see the color her face turned, as she'd asked to see the key when we were still in the basement. "Billy, molotov." I held an open hand back, which he pressed one of the glass firebombs into, flicking open his lighter a moment later.

The moment I flet the heat catch, I silently stepped through the door, sneaking right up to the bend in the room. I swung around it, hurling the explosive right at the leech monster's feet, ducking back just before the sound of glass shattering, fire catching and leeches wailing filled the air. "Music to my ears..."

From right behind me, "Then you've got a pretty screwy taste in music."

I blinked, glancing back to find that cute little medic right next to me, Billy just behind her. Eesh, I figured they would take the hint and stay back while I dealt with the more dangerous monsters. With a shake of my head, I chanced a look back around the corner.

All clear, except for a nasty smell and a charred section of the floor. Welp, from here we either go grab that vise handle, or we go straight to the vise and try to jury-rig a way to get that tablet.

Wait. Wasn't there a second vise in that room?

...Welp, fuck that other leechman, then. "On me, let's get that tablet and go home."

"Oorah, let's get it done." I could tell without even looking; Billy was smiling.

Around the corner and down to the end of the hall. A quick kick and the feeble, rusted lock snapped right open. Check left, check right-All clear.

"Move up, right-side door." I took position in front of it, dropping to one knee. "Stack up, Becs on right, Billy on kick." By keeping the instructions simple and easy to understand, we avoid and instances of, 'Whazzat mean?'

Because being placed on kick is pretty self-explanatory.

Once they were in position, I said, "Alright, I'll clear front. Rebecca, you get left. On my mark. Three. Two. One. Mark!"

The ex-Marine raised his bot, delivering a classic behind-the-back kick just under the lock, the old door practically crumbling as it fell inward and off its hinges. I was already moving, eyes wide, heart pounding. "Two targets!"

Straight ahead, two Z-boys. Weapon up, aim. Exhale.

***P-POWFUHL!***

The excessively loud retort echoed around the small room like an explosion, it was so loud. My ears were ringing, but the zombies had it even worse, as they both shared the same fate as that unfortunate hunter from the basement. I glanced right, then left. "Room clear!"

A quick tac-load and I was good to go, already heading for that damned vise. Alrighty, there's the tablet, and the other vises luckily had their handles. Heheheh, oh, I am evil. Slinging my AK, I grabbed the nearest handle, braced myself, and steadily began pulling.

The thing was a bastard, but within a few moments...

Err, minutes, actually, before I had it.

"Hey, what're you do-" *_Pul-Ktch-__**WHUMPK!**_* "OOMPH!"

Unfortunately for Billy, he happened to get right behind me when I managed to wrestle the thing off, and as physics teaches us, any action has an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning, when I ripped the handle off, my elbows kept moving backward and thumped the Marine right in his gonads. Ouch.

I turned to look at what had happened, and found Billy-boy on the floor in the fetal position, groaning. Whoops. "Uh-oh, man down. My bad, Billy, you a'ight?"

"Auuugghhhiiiiehhhaaggghhh..."

Guess not. Rebecca was cringing as she looked him over. "Thaaat had to hurt. Are you okay? Can you feel your legs?"

When he neglected to answer, I said, "I don't suppose you've got an ice pack? Think he's gonna need one. And some painkillers."

She shuddered. "Or a transplant. That's some nasty swelling."

Oh, that's just wrong on so many levels.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After hobbling the wounded Marine back to the foyer,(Well, carried is more accurate) I set him down on the stairs and left Rebecca to keep him safe. "Well, this does give me a chance to run a few errands. Wait here, I'm gonna go raid the infirmary."

I was at the door when I stopped and remembered soemthing. "Oh, yeah. Is there anything specific we need as far as medical supplies go, Rebecca?"

From down on the first floor, she shrugged. "More antiseptic, just in case someone gets bitten. We might be able to sterilize the wound before the infection spreads, right?"

Hm. That might work, or it might be a waste of time. No way of knowing without trying it. "Maybe. Well, sit tight, I'll be back soon."

And so I turned, heading through the double doors and into the auditorium, heading for the knight doors I'd unlocked earlier.

. . .

Y'know... Looking back, this was probably the greatest mistake of my entire life, right here. When I left them alone in this fucking deathtrap.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**There is a TFS Hellsing Ultimate Abridged(By Takahata101) reference in here somewhere. Several, really.**_

_**Along with ones from Monty Python's Holy Grail, Archer and Red vs Blue.**_

_**I'm getting closer and closer to switching out stories. Just so you guys know, I'll be deleting Waking Death and uploading the REwrite as an entirely new story: Resident Evil REwritten.**_

**THIS IS YOUR ADVANCED HEADS-UP!**

_**...Yeah, I know, cheesy title. But it works, ya? Anywho, I'll try to avoid posting it until I can devote more time to writing it. So it won't be for awhile, as I've got ST, WI, and two brand new fics in the works. **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Heya there, readers. I've got something funny to tell you. The Umbrella Corporation is REAL. No, seriously, it is. UCMRG: Umbrella Corporation Weapons Research Group. They produce AR15 recievers and AR15 accessories.(Their Grip 23 is nice, like an MOE K that's a bit fatter than BCM's Gunfighter mod 1) Soon, they'll be producing AR15 barrels and within a few years, their own in-house rifles. I'm pretty sure they're paying Capcom some hefty royalties, but goddamn.**_

_**My girlfriend beat me with a trout(Yes, a trout. We were out of herring) when she found out I went and bought a matching set of receivers. Now I have to buy her a set, too. And yes, I got them just- **_

_**Well, just because. It's fucking Umbrella! What can go wrong?**_

_**Go do a search for Umbrella Corp firearms. You'll see. Their machining is superb, as well as the craftsmanship. They're based in VA Beach. **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**If you're not using an aimpoint, you need to take a ****ing piss test." **-_**LAV. He means, if you're using a red dot sight and it's anything OTHER than an Aimpoint. I usually agree with him.(EOTechs are nice, but not as good)**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Firearms are second only to the Constitution in importance; they are the peoples' Liberty Teeth." **_**-George Washington**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"**_**Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it.**_**" -Unknown.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

_"_**Man ." **_**-Ar**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#6 _**Even Bigger Mistake**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As I jogged up the stairs and through the door into the auditorium, I pondered just what I should do to mess with Alby and Willy. Heh, maybe I'll tell Birkin that he has all the recessive genes, eheheheh.(_**Shamelessly ripped from The Dark Id's RE0 LP. Seriously, go check it out. The Let's Play Archive**_)

Or, maybe I should insinuate to that paranoid egghead that his good friend has been pumping a 'virus' of his own into Annette. Possibly resulting in that blonde-haired little brat of theirs, heheheh. Ah, I'm too cruel, sometimes. Anyway.

Through the next set of knight doors and into a(nother! Another one, goddamnit! How many halls does this place need?!) hallway. On my right was a wall and to my left, a very unfortunate member of the ZHCF.(Zombie Horde of Cannon Fodder)

As befitting his mook-status, I put him down very gently.

*_Wuh-__**Bltschk!**_*

By smashing his head into paste against the wall with the butt of my rifle. Say what you will about the man, but Mikhail designed a very stout piece of artillery. It's bloody soldier-proof, it is. But I digress.

I dropped the second asshat down the hall with a single well-placed round through one temple and out the other. The moaning that had permeated the small space immediately ceased, and I took the opportunity to enjoy the silence.

. . .

"Man, I'm bored. Wish I had my Ipod right about now. Heh, yeah, some Black Veil Brides is what I need. Maybe some good old Johnston."

**[Cue music: I Walk Alone, by Jim Johnston featuring Saliva. Album; WWE Wreckless Intent]**

"Haha, yeah! That's more like it!"

Raising my boot, I kicked in the door to the infirmary, gun ready. Two targets inside, both completely zom-_boned!_

_***Ba-Dum-Cha!***_

Hah! Oh, admit it, you chuckled at that ultra-lame pun. Anywho-

Whoa. They're both already dead,(Literally and figuratively) two rounds in each skull. Man, I work fast. But, uh, ahem. Righty-O, then, back to the reason I came here. "Let's get looting!"

Whatta we got? First Aid sprays, plenty. Three, four cans now jammed into the duffle. Preserved green and red herbs, even a few blue ones.(And a very odd-looking purple, which I decided to take along anyway. The yellow was haphazardly tossed in, as well)

Plenty of bandages and gauze to go around, plus some painkillers and antibiotics. Even if they were slightly past the expiration date, they're probably better than nothing, right?

Now for that antiseptic. Where, oh where could it be? After some few moments of fruitless searching, I found two large bottles of said alky along with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.(Bloody cabinet was locked. They've got an open bar and plenty of fine wine, but they're worried someone is going to pilfer the only non-potable alcohol in this joint? Yeesh)

Okay, most people think those two solutions are the same thing. Um, spoiler? They're NOT. Most definitely not. The peroxide is usually the better one to have for daily use on small cuts, scrapes, ect. The alcohol is far stronger when it comes to killing germs and bacteria. Problem is, the peroxide doesn't burn on open wounds.(Though it does cause more visible scarring and delays the body's natural healing)

But rubbing alcohol? Oh-ho-ho, you might have to confirm its effects on open wounds for yourself, my good(And gullible) friend. That stuff is like poring white-hot flaming napalm laced with melted salt into an open cut.

And that's putting it mildly.

But still, it disinfects and doesn't slow the body's natural healing process. But, I've rambled long enough. Now I've got a few more errands to run before getting back to those knuckleheads.

Hm, speaking of which. I wonder how they're do-

_"EEEEEYYYAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!"_ A girlish scream pierced my ears, which I now noticed as the ringing from the gunshots finally quieted down.

"Shitfucksonofabitch!" I was already out the door, ramming into the wall as I sprinted down the hall fast as a bullet, rebounding myself off the next two walls and through the doors, bursting into the auditorium. I turned and practically bound halfway across the room in a single step,(Or so it felt) bursting through the next door just in time to hear the gunshot.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

***Powfuhl!-Uhl-uhl...***

**Warning. This is going to be graphic.**

The sound of a nine-milimeter going off echoed around the room, chilling my blood as I grabbed the nearest guardrail and vaulted, dropping down in a crouch with my rifle already aimed towards-

A dead zombie(Now re-dead instead of re-animated) lying on the floor, a pool of blood spreading from under its head. Next to it, Billy and Rebecca were both still on the floor, the former Marine holding the smoking gun.

"What happened?" I asked, jogging down to find out what all the screaming was about.

He looked up, a pained, fearful look in his normally-steely eyes. "Rebecca was-"

Billy didn't need to finish. I could see the girl cradling her arm, gritting her teeth as she tried to hold back tears. Specifically, a spot on her left forearm that was dripping blood.

'_Oh... Oh, no._'

Three options; leave her. Treat her. Kill her. All with their own risks. Leaving her would be the same as putting a gun to her head, she wouldn't last unil morning, bitten or not. I don't have access to any form of antivirus, and I have no clue as to how to make Daylight or any other form of cure. And I-

I refuse to hurt her. Not here, not now, not _ever._

My mind processed all that information in an instant, my body moving on sheer muscle memory.

"Billy, belt off and hold her down." I unslung the bag, dropping it next to the medic as I took a knee and began pulling out the materials I would need.

'_If there is a God in this world, then hear me now! Let my hands be swift and sure, don't you dare take her from me!_'

The ex-Lieutenant already had his leather belt off, folding it over as he held it to Rebecca's mouth.(Good; he knew what I had in mind) "Bite down, this is gonna hurt." He warned, positioning himself to keep her from bucking as he took hold of her other arm.

She was openly crying, tears sliding down her cheeks as she watched us work. "How long as it been, _exactly,_ since she was bitten?" Alcohol, lighter, tourniquet, bandages, herbs, spray and gauze. Gonna need it all.

"Two minutes, eight seconds." Hmph. Cutting it close.

I strapped the old-school mini-tourniquet around the upper part of her arm, latching it down tight as I got a better look at the wound.

'_Damn._'

It was bad-looking,(For the infection) but otherwise, superficial. A flesh wound, but very little muscles was damaged. Her arm would be serviceable, if nothing else. I took hold of her wrist, holding her arm very still. "This is going to burn like nothing you've ever felt before."

She closed her eyes while I bit down on the cap of the plastic bottle, ripping it off. I dumped its contents over the injury, carefully making sure every single centimeter of infected flesh was sterilized.

"GUUURRRRAAAAAGGGHHH!" She screamed through her mouthful of leather, eyes clenched shut as her body spasmed, barely moving under the former Marine's weight.

And now, for the sadistic part of this little exercise. I grabbed a piece of gauze, drying off the alcohol around the bite before grabbing my lighter. Billy's eyes widened dramatically and he swallowed, but said nothing as he turned to look back into Rebecca's eyes.

"Keep breathing, in and out." Breathing? She was panting, sweat soaking through her shirt. "'Cuz this will be ten times worse." And I flicked the wheel, lighting the flammable solution soaking her opened flesh.

"**AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!**"

The sound that escaped her throat could only be described as screaming bloody murder. Beyond that, the english language fails to accurately replicate the sheer pain in her strained voice.

Five seconds, minimum.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Zero!

I grabbed that gauze pad, using it to pat out the dimming flame on her shaking arm. Dropping it aside, I grabbed for my next implement; dried green herb leaves. Pop 'em in my mouth, chew for three seconds, rip off my glove and spit. Then rub it into the injury.

The stuff was nasty and kinda foul-smelling, but it did the trick. She was still panting, covered in sweat and her eyes were blank, but she didn't seem to be in agony anymore. I then grabbed the nearest spray, flicking off the cap and giving it a shake. Then liberally apply to wound and set aside for later, snatching up a new pad and more bandages.

Once the bite was suitably treated and wrapped up, I pulled off that tourniquet and shifted the suddenly all-too-little girl to cradle her head on my lap, gently pulling the belt from her worn-out jaw.(Man, those were some deep teeth marks. If she lives long enough to give me head, I really hope she doesn't bite)

Rebecca still had that miles-away look in her nearly-blank eyes, out of it for now.

"Will she be alright?" Billy asked, startling me from my thoughts.

I shook my head. "I don't know. Standard operating procedure for T-virus infection is to apply a tourniquet and amputate the limb in question before cauterizing the wound. After, large doses of antibiotics are taken to lower the risk of the infection killing the victim. That procedure needs to be done inside of a minute, otherwise the infection will have already spread past the limb and into the rest of the body. For a shoulder, neck, head or torso bite, the victim is often better off shooting themselves to save their comrades the bullet."

"But Umbrella made this T-virus, right? Wouldn't they have a cure for it?" He asked, still sounding very worried.

"No. Umbrella isn't known for its caution, nor common sense. There is no cure that I am aware of, though perhaps a blood transfusion from someone who is immune might be effective. Finding someone, however, would be nearly impossible. Once your heart stops, you're beyond any help; the T-virus reanimates dead cells, but the creatures only retain the most base instincts. The need to feed, and to spread the infection." Simple things that I remember. If the virus kills you, you'll be reanimated by it soon enough.

Hm. I'm sure he's going to ask what her chances are. "Before you even ask, we won't know if she's infected for a few hours, at least. Not until she starts showing symptoms. Pale skin, darkly contrasted veins, bloodshot eyes, increased pain tolerance, decreased fine motor control. I would rather we stay put, as moving would exacerbate her situation, but we don't have any choice." I looked up, into the Marine's eyes. "We need to get out of this place as soon as possible."

The girl lounging on my lap then stirred. "Can you two stop talking about me now?"

I glanced down, finding her face still a few shades paler than I'd like. "Are you feeling alright?"

"My arm hurts like hell. I heard everything, and I want to keep going." Oh, dear. She's got that look in her eyes, that determined, unstoppable teenage rebellion-style look.

"Very well." I stood, pulling Rebecca to her feet in the same motion. She swayed a bit, but didn't fall, at least. I indicated the duffle bag I'd left open. "Grab some penicillin and as many tylenol as you like."

I hopped up the stairs to the first landing, something peculiar on the basement entry stairs catching my eye. There were long drag marks and fresh blood as far down as I could see; I take it that zombie dragged himself up the stairs when he caught whiff of those two.

Hmph. Just how the hell did he get up here without making noise, though? And where was he, down there?

Tch, whatever. It's already done and over with. I moved to the top of the stairs, around to the statue before plucking both Sig's from the scales before bounding back down to the other two.

Billy took it upon himself to grab a few painkillers as well, the pair downing at least three or four each. After handing out those extra pistols and replacing all the unused gear back in the duffle, I slung it over my shoulder, starting back up the stairs.

"C'mon, let's ditch these tablets and get the fuck outta here."

Up the stairs and through the hall we went, right into the cage room.(Or breeding pool, whatever you want to call it) Ahead of us, the knight doors were still unlocked, so one swift shove later, they were wide open. Glancing back to the others, I found something rather amusing.

Billy-boy was waddling, doing the cowboy-style walk with his legs splayed wide, doing what he could to avoid any more contact with his sore dangly-bits. Heh, it was pretty darn funny, if you ask me. But anywho.

I saw them through the door, keeping my eyes on that grating in the pool the entire time, as I was none too keen on fighting some big-ass bug with two cripples for me to look after. Babysitting isn't in my job description.

A moment later, I thought, _'Wait. Isn't babysitting what you agreed to when you decided to keep Rebecca's tight little ass alive?'_

. . .

'_Dammit, jim, you done fucked that up, too. Wonder if zombification can be passed on like an STD?_'

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**With Wesker and Birkin**

"Who is that man? How does he know about the T-virus?" William muttered, more to himself than anything as his mind spun with possibilities. While most of the cameras were out of their reach, Albert was able to patch into the audio feed from the central foyer.

The man was a good shot, but the mic was seperate from the camera, and he hadn't bothered searching for it.

Wesker adjusted his sunglasses again. "This could be... Problematic. It's unlikely that the girl will survive, but the two males are trouble. They'll at least drag Chambers along with them; hopefully she'll slow them down."

"And if she doesn't?"

William once again saw one of Albert Wesker's rare smiles; a more predatory look would be hard to imagine. "Then I'll lure them in to die with Alpha."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"So just what's going to happen when we put these tablets in there?" Rebecca asked from above me, both of my candy-assed partners deciding to remain on the upper tier of the observatory.

With a shake of my head, I responded,"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just hang on to somehting and don't fall."

I began placing the stones, ominously reciting an old mantra I remembered hearing in a video game, once. It seemed fitting, given the situation. "Pease is a lie; there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory." I then placed the final tablet; Unity.

"...And through victory, my chains are broken." Just as I finished, the mechanism began rumbling, the tower shaking and quakign beneath our feet.

"W-what's going on?!" Our medic cried, heavily leaning against the wall to keep from toppling over while the former Marine was wildly looking left and right, trying to figure out what was happening.

The entire two minutes it took for the observatory to come to a stop, there had been this omnipresent grinding of stone-on-stone, the old masonry and equipment barely holding together. But once it shuddered to a stop, the last thing we heard was a loud ***Cli-CHKH!*** As the doors unlocked.

Pulling myself up to the higher tier, I called, "My friends, you have just taken a ride on the world's biggest, most expensive and of course, utterly _useless_ elevator." I pushed the doors open, revealing the stone walkway that lead to the church.

After grabbing our gear and stepping out side, we collectively turned to see just how far down the entire tower went.

"You- You're kidding me. They turned an _entire tower_ into an elevator, just to go down A SINGLE STORY?!" Billy shouted, completely flabberghasted. "What the hell? Just how the fuck did they justify that expense?"

I shrugged. "This _is_ Umbrella you're talking about. The crank for the lift in the library is plated with gold and the keys for the place are, as well. Probably cost more than a researcher's month-long salary. I get the feeling the guys in accounting have nightmares about how much money gets wasted on these mansions-turned-laboratories."

Both of them stopped staring at the building and turned to look at me, blinking owlishly.(For all I know, they might've hooted) Rebecca then asked me, "They have more places like this? And what do you mean, laboratory?"

Turning to point towards our next destination, I answered, "Yep, the Spencer estate right here in the Arklay mountains is the big one. That's where they were doing experiments with the T-virus that's lead to all those grisly cannibalistic murders that've been popping up around Raccoon City. There's an elevator over yonder that will take us down to the lab for this place. It's also where we'll find our way out."

I looked back to the two of them, and found Rebecca rubbing her arm again. "Um... You don't suppose they might have a cure here, do you?"

Shit. Shaking my head, I replied, "Doubtful. This place has been shut down for ten years; any samples they might've had will have gone bad by now. Besides, any cure for the T-virus' effects would have to wait until symptoms start showing, 'cuz I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar it's just as deadly as the virus itself. Now c'mon, let's get moving."

Of course, the elevator was powered down. And to further my irritation even more, in order to get it operational, we would need to activate the breaker that's on the roof of the church. Lovely.

_'Fuck you and everything you hold dead till it's bleeding from the ass and crying into a pillow, Capcom! Always piling on those extra five seconds of gameplay, ya pricks!'_

"Alright, you two, wait over in that gatehouse. And Billy, hand over that launcher." Blinking in confusion, he did so as I handed him the shotgun in return, already making my way for the doors. This was going to be a pain in my ass, I already knew it.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"The hell did want the Arwen for?" Billy asked, muttering to himself.

I shrugged, shaking my head. "Probably to kill whatever he knows is inside the church."

. . .

The ex-Lieutenant spun to give me an odd stare. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't you see that he always seems to know what we're going up against? Like back on the train, and when he started cooking up those molotovs? And again, down in the basement?"

He blinked, finally putting two and two together. "Yeah, it is kinda strange. But even weirder, you notice he's been trying to keep us out of the way?"

And we're still getting 37. Great. "Mmhm. I still don't know what to make of him, except that he wants to keep us alive. The only time I saw him looking surprised was when I got bit... He was absolutely shocked. I don't think he knew about that zombie that came from the basement, or at least he didn't expect it. I'm not sure what's going on, but I think he knows a lot more than he's letting on."

"Got that right. He's dodged every question about who he is, or why he's here. Just that he's a government employee. FBI, maybe? Or CIA, more likely." Billy shook his head, openeing his mouth to say something when-

***BALOOSH!***

"THAT'S RIGHT, YOU FLYING RAT! GET SOME!" We could hear Roy shouting at something, right after an explosion sent our ears ringing.

'_Flying rat? Some kind of bat, maybe?_'

As we stared at the church doors, they were suddenly blasted outward, a gigantic, furry monster of some kind thrashing about as it clawed its way outside, screeching and spraying blood everywhere. There was a massive, gaping hole in its abdomen, the source of its agony.

It got no more than another dozen feet when Roy stepped out of the church, aiming the launcher once more.

***BA-BA-BADOOSH!***

And he fired a second time, blasting the huge bat's head clean off. Roy blew the smoke off the muzzle of his weapon, chuckling as he casually remarked, "Heheheheh, ain't no more bats in the bellfry."

Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me. My life is in the hands of someone who makes puns like that?

It's official, I'm doomed.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

After returning the portable dispenser of concentrated asswhupping to Billy-Bob, I retook my shotgun and beckoned them to follow me. "C'mon, the elevator should be back up'n running."

When I was right next to said elevator, I glanced back to find they weren't behind me. No, they were back at the gatehouse.

_'Damnit.'_

"Alright, what is it?"

Rebecca answered. "We want to know how you knew that thing was in there, and exactly where we're going."

Oh? It seems they're already onto my little game. Well, shit. Options?

_'Lie through your teeth. Complete, utter honesty. Brush them off. Yeesh, all three options suck complete ass.'_

"It's a very long, and very complicated story. Hell, if I told you, you more than likely wouldn't believe me. Second question, we're going to hikack a, ah, whattaya call it. S'like a skilift, or something. Big-ass train car-like thing that's suspended on a cable that goes across a chasm. It'll take us to an Umbrella-owned water treatment facility, where we'll then make our escape into the Raccoon Forest. Now, much as I'd like to discuss this with you at length, we need to get moving before the self-destruct mechanism is activated."

They both blinked, simultaneously shouting, "Wait, WHAT?!"

I nodded. "You heard me, self-destruct mechanism. All of Umbrella's biological research facilities have one built into them in case of contamination, or in this case, an outbreak. It's still gonna take awhile for old Willy Birkin to get it activated, but I reckon it'll go off soon after dawn. And I dunno about y'all, but I don't want to be around when it does."

Rebecca and Billy gave each other a look. A moment later, they turned back to me and nodded. "Alright, fine. But we want an explanation the moment we're out of here."

"Fair enough, let's go. I hope y'all like elevator music."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**There is a shout-out to Metal Gear Solid and another to my good friend, The Dark Id. He's on the Let's Play Archive, so seriously. Go check out his stuff, the guy's a comedic genius.(I admit, I read through his LP to find out how many enemies were in certain areas, as I didn't feel like trolling around on YouTube for the info)**_

_**And just so you guys know,(Before some jackass tries to say I steal all my material) I only add the guy's stuff to give me a reason to tell y'all to check out his LP's. If I didn't throw in some incentive,(Like humor) then none of you would bother with the effort of searching for him. Carrot or a stick, people.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"There are three kinds of men in this world. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves." **_**-Will Rogers**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**If you're in a survival movie and the hot blond twists her ankle and can't walk, you damn well better figure a way to carry her. If it's a dude, you shake his hand and say best of luck." **_**-Unknown**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids." -Unknown**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Ronald Reagan had a vision of America. Barack Obama has a vision of Barack Obama." ~ **_**Thomas Sowell**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**"**_**Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it.**_**" -Unknown.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

_**"**_**How strangely will the Tools of a Tyrant pervert the plain Meaning of Words!" **_**-Samuel Adams. The Second Amendment does not exist for 'sporting purposes.' Its sole reason for being is to protect us from our own government.**_

_**Why else do you think they want to disarm only the**_** LAW-ABIDING **_**citizens? Criminals are not affected by laws, as the very definition of a criminal is someone who ignores the law.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#7 _**Waaay Too much Dialogue**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue Music: Wigglesticks, by Miracle of Sound] **

"Whoa... What happened to this place?" Rebecca asked in awe, looking around the crumbling hall as her voice echoed, carrying itself all the way up to the second level.

Hmph. Zombies is what happened, and you probably just woke them up. "It's been a long time since anyone or anything breathing has been through here, but it sure as hell isn't empty. Be afraid; be _very_ afraid. _**Muwahahahahahahahaaa!"**_

My absolutely, comically, dark, hammy and evil voice-over cracked them both up, especially with the cartoon-villain cackling that followed. Least I can do is keep them from getting too serious, ya?

After pushing back giggles, the young medic then asked, "Eheheh, so just how are we going to get out of here, anyway?"

"Um, well, about that..."

How? Okay, lessee here. Got to go up onto that balcony, move into the leech-lab, drop back down, take out the leechman, move through the hall, get into the doc's study, grab the first coil, blast the dial-door, mop up whatever enemies are in there, get the tram fixed up and high-tail it the fuck outta here.

And that's the ultra-condensed, _Fuck-You-I-Have-A-Grenade-Launcher_ freelance method, none of that bullshit chemical and leech crap. Goddamn, I'd hate to have to explain the game's original method of getting through. They'd both have a collective aneurysm!(Hey, I spelled that right in one go. I'm awesome. It's the little things in life that make you smile, y'know?)

"Err, suffice to say, I'm going to just grab the essentials in case the tram isn't working, then we'll have to blow open the door and get it working. Now, I want you both to head through this door," I pushed open said door, which lead into that second library.(How many fucking libraries do they need?!) "And wait for me. Whatever you do, DO NOT open this door until I give you the all-clear, a'ight?"

Confused nods all around, but they both obediently walked in, and I slid the duffel bag I'd been carrying right behind them.(Minus a few firebombs for my next endeavor) "Now be careful and don't do anything I wouldn't do, got it? And for Chrissake, watch out for those crafty zombie-ninjas this time!"

I then shut the door, revelling in the dumb looks on their faces as they processed the end of that statement. Don't you just love messing with people? I know I do.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"I'll bet you a million dollars he already knows the tram isn't working and what's wrong with it."

Billy smirked. "Sorry, I don't take sucker's bets. What do you suppose is on the other side of that door right about now?" He hooked a thumb at the door Roy had just ushered us through, the one we'd both been eyeing warily this entire time.

I shrugged. "Probably another one of those leech monsters, seeing as he took some molotovs."

"Huh. You feeling alright? Arm bothering you at all?"

Glancing down towards it, I shook my head. "In all honesty? Not as much as I thought it would, just really itches. Say what you will about Umbrella, but their medical technology is amazing. Those spray-on skin grafts can fix just about any injury, other than broken bones and severed limbs."

The Marine shook his head. "Yeah. Still, it bothers me how much that guy knows about treating 'em. Just where did he learn about this T-virus? And how did Umbrella even make it in the first place? Even more disturbing is all the people in this place that've been turned into those monsters. Been that way for ages and yet no one knew about it? This doesn't add up. Someone should've found out about all this by now and told the authorities. The government, the CDC, EPA, someone."

"Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, unless the US government is already aware. Umbrella is a major corporation and provides a hefty tax fund. I wouldn't doubt that there are several members of congress of wouldn't want to lose that much money, especially since they get to set their own salary. But Roy's pesence here confirms their knowledge of Umbrella's experiments, if he really works for them, anyway. So the real question is-"

Billy finished the statement. "What is he after, and who is he working for?"

The words hung in the air like a foul stench, silence permeating the area in a way reminiscent of a particularly rank fart, filling the entire room-

*_BAW-BAW-BAWFUHL!_*

At least, until several loud gunshots could be heard echoing from outside the door. Several tense minutes passed in silence, but just then, they could hear footsteps from outside the door.

Too even and measured to be a zombie or leechman, too soft to be one of those scaley reptiles that Roy called hunters. Both Rebecca and Billy silently readied their weapons, training their sights on the unexpected visitor as the creaky door opened.

"Oy, what'd I miss?" It was Roy who walked in, dusting himself off. He looked no worse for wear; no injuries, blood, or missing limbs, anyway.

I shook my head. "Nothing exciting. Did you find what you were looking for?"

He nodded. "Yep, we're almost outta here. C'mon, we're burning daylight."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Through the door, turn left and down the hall, my compatriots noting the newly-opened passage. "The wall was a door?" Billy remarked, glancing up to where the balcony used to be.

"Not so much a door as a hidden passage. Not sure why, but regardless. Here." I pulled open the large door to the cable car, which I'd opened from the inside. "It's already powered on and warmed up. All it's missing is a stewardess and co-pilot."

I gave them a conspicuous look.

"Heh, nice going." Rebecca took a look to the far left, where the car would be taking us. "So just how far is this thing going to take us?"

Shrugging as I pulled open the doors, "Dunno, but it should get us to an Umbrella-owned water treatment plant or thereabouts. C'mon."

Inside the car, which I'd previously ridden of its deceased occupants,(ZHCF mascot, dead man holding magnum) was relatively spartan. Steel seats, utilitarian design, meant for function over appearance. A first, for Umbrella. Heh, probably wasted their entire budget on that tower.

I moved to the controls, pulling the lever that would seal our fate.

The car rumbled as the engine groaned to life, jolting forward as it took off at a leisurely pace. About a minute later, Billy said, "Huh. For some reason, I expected something to happen when we started moving."

*_Sigh_*

Must he jinx us? "You really want to get us killed by Murphy's Law, don't you?"

He shrugged. "Hey, we made it this far, didn't we?"

"Good point. Hey Becs, you feelin' alright?"

She had taken a seat, resting the butt(Probably resting her own butt, too) of her MP5 on the floor between her knees. "Yeah, I'm okay." The young medic then reached a hand up, tugging at the collar of her shirt. "Just a bit warm is all. Are either of you-?"

. . .

"Oh... Oh, that's not good." She finished, swallowing as her face seemed to grow even more pale.

Damnit. I set down my duffel bag, rifling through it for those antibiotics. "Don't worry, Rebecca, that's normal for being exposed to an engineered bioweapon. Means your body is fighting it." I pulled out that and the bottle of Bacardi I'd managed to stow away.

"You grabbed the rum and didn't tell me? For shame." Heh, at least Billy-boy's got a sense of humor.

I dropped to a knee in front of the girl,(Carefully placing her weapon on the floor, pointed away from me) pulling off my gloves. "Hold still."

Hmph, damn. Pulse is too fast, forehead's pretty warm, too. She's probably running a hundred-and-one-degree fever. Already? Double damn, the T-virus works quick. How the hell am I gonna save her? There's no anti-virus within a hundred miles of here! Fucking hell, I don't even know how long it takes for the infection to spread! And the accounts of how long it takes from the initial bite to the victim's death is sketchy at best. Hours? Days? Weeks?

Or just minutes?

Fuck. I fucking hate you and your complete lack of continuality, Capcom.

"Um, Roy? You're, uhh..."

Hm? I blinked, brought out of my thoughts by her voice. Rebecca's cute, pixie-like face was now bright red, blushing from the base of her neck all the way to the tips of her ears.

Time for mischief, methinks. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Rebecca?"

She squeaked something unintelligible, swallowing back before stuttering, "A-am I gonna b-be alright?"

Realistically? Probably not.

_'But if I have anything to say about it, you will. I promise you that.'_

I smiled warmly. "Yeah. You're going to be just fine." I pulled the tops of the bottles I had, plucking two more pills out and dropping them in her hand. She popped them in her mouth, giving a suspicious look at the glass bottle I held out to her.

"Um, I'm too young to drink."

Oh? Heheheh, man she's cute. "Are we, now? Never stopped me."

Smiling wryly, she took the rum, taking a swig and forcing it down. "_Uhl_-Bleh! People _like_ this stuff?" The young girl smacked her lips again, getting a better taste of it. "Huh. Honestly not as bad as I thought it would be. Is it vanilla?"

Chuckling lightly, I ruffled Rebecca's hair and gave her a light kiss on the forehead before getting back to my feet, taking a pull of the rum before passing it to the Marine.

"Agh, damn that's good stuff. Must be high-dollar."

Billy took a glance at the label before downing some himself. "Shit, got that right. This is a two-hundred dollar bottle."

Oh. Well, damn. At least it's not Glengoole Blue.

He shrugged, taking another drink. "Eh, bottoms up." Then he passed it back as we all got comfortable. This ride was probably going to take awhile. I took another sip, about to put the bottle away when Rebecca pulled it out of my hand for another hit before she did it herself.

The Marine and I shared a look, mentally placing bets on whether or not she was going to be stumbling later on.

"So, since we have some free time, just who do you work for, anyway?" Drat, the girl's wised up, having finally gotten over that sudden fit of shy blushing.

I shrugged, offhandedly answering, "Good old Uncle Sam." Quick, CIA trivia for five hundred! "If you want my actual itinerary, I answer to George Tenet."

Billy's eyes shot wide. "The CIA? Thought so. You look a little young to be working for the military or the FBI."

Smirking confidently, I stated, "Heh, looking young is half my job. When people go looking for a snoop, they sure ain't searching for some kid."

"Who's George Tenet?" Rebecca asked, sounding puzzled.

The ex-Lieutenant answered. "The Director of the CIA. If he sent you out here, then the government knows about Umbrella's corruption, right?" Aha, Billy's a lot smarter than he lets on.

I nodded. "Got it in one. We've got solid information that they've been conducting biological experimentation, using humans as test subjects. However, most of the actual evidence went up in smoke, as well as half a dozen operatives. Georgie-boy was pissed, to say the least. I lost a few friends to Umbrella, so frankly, I had a score to settle and agreed to this op on the condition that I be given leave to kill anyone who got in the way of my investigation." They both swallowed in that instant, exchanging worried glances.

Deciding to capitalize on their sudden apprehension, I grinned wickedly and stated, "My boss asked Tenet to authorize _carte blanche_ for this assignment. When he found out about my reputation as a wetworker, he sent me off himself with the words, _Give 'em a bodycount._ No gear, no logistical support, no panic-button, and no mercy. Anyone associated with Umbrella is to be eliminated, and any damning physical evidence is to be collected for their _ex post facto_ trial. I am going to bring the entire corporation down around Spencer's ears."

"But how did you get on the train? And when did you find out about the T-virus?" The medic asked, still confused as her curiosity overwhelmed whatever fear she might have.

Time to lie like a rug. "I was on the train much earlier, hiding out and waiting for a chance to hop off inside the Management Training Facility. Unfortunately, someone attacked and contaminated the train before it arrived. I stayed right the hell where I was in my hiding spot, at least until the screaming stopped. I had no gun and didn't fancy my chances of fighting off something that was literally tearing those people apart. After I got out and started searching, something hit me from behind and left me unconscious. Next thing I knew, I was looking up at some little girl dressed up like a cop. It was still dark when I was last awake, so I couldn't have been out for more than a few hours."

Shaking my head, I continued. "Still, I don't like it. Whoever it was had to have been lucid, and didn't want me to die. There aren't many reasons for someone from Umbrella to leave me breathing. As to the T-virus, I was good friends with a few of the agents who were investigating Umbrella before my team was assigned to the case. One of them told me where to find a dead-drop containing all of his suspicions and information; they'd uncovered Umbrella's research into the T-virus and were trying to find actual proof of it. They even had a USS manual for handling T-virus infections and survivors, but we needed more. A sample, test subject, research notes, lab results, something concrete. Unfortunately, they all died before they could bring back enough evidence to prove what Umbrella has done."

"What about now? Do you have enough to prove anything?" Billy asked, elbows resting on his knees.

Do I? Well. "Not yet, though a sample of Rebecca's blood should be more than enough to prove to the eggheads that an engineered bioweapon has been developed. Along those lines, we can break down Umbrella's doors and do a full-scale sweep of every facility they own with the suspicion that they've developed chemical weapons. We can even bring in the UN if necessary, to halt all of their financial transactions around the world. In a word, we will bring the wrath of God down upon their heads."

They were both silent for a few moments, mulling that over.

"So what are we going to do, after we get out of the treatment facility?" Rebecca spoke up, voicing her worries about our future together.

. . .

Heheh, admit it, that was funny.

I shrugged. "Trek through the forest to the Spencer estate, preferably in broad daylight. Pretty sure the rest of your team will head there, too. If they're smart, anyway. It's the biggest landmark in that area of the forest, not too far from where the train stopped, either. If it hadn't started moving on its own, we would've geared up and hoofed it on over to the place. Once we're inside the mansion, we'll be able to access the laboratory in the basement and get all the proof we need to take Umbrella down. It'll also be where we can get picked up by Stars Alpha, as they'll probably check it out in the hopes of finding Bravo. The place has a helipad on the roof, so pickup should be simple enough. Once we get back to Raccoon city, I'll contact my handler and get the cavalry inbound. After that, it's time for a long shower, hot meal and a good night's rest before we throw one _**hell**_ of a party."

"Huh. You've really thought this through," She remarked, quirking an eyebrow with that knowing little smile of hers.

Eheheheh, now you're making me blush. "It's in the job description, the seven P's. Prior planning and preparation prevents piss-poor performance. Gotta plan far enough ahead so as not to get caught off-guard, but you also have to be able to make changes and plan around your own plan mucking up. Failsafes and contingencies make for excellent job security. As my boss once said, paranoia is your friend."

All she said was, "Huh."

Speechless. Absolutely speechless.

"And what about me? How do I fit into this plan of yours, seeing as your friends are probably going to try to get my execution back on-schedule?"

Or not, apparently. I beamed, showing off my most tranquil and happy smile. "What about you? Marine Lieutenant William Coen is already a dead man, died in that train crash a few hours ago. Unfortunately, there were no survivors or witnesses, and the facilies' self-destruct mechanism ensured that no bodies could be recovered for identification or even a proper burial. It's a damn shame. Tragic, really."

The former Marine just grinned, chuckling as he shook his head.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Hah hah hah, lucky day! The key's still in here!" I jubiliantly exclaimed, giddily turning it and powering up the turntable.

There was a deep rumbling and groaning of steel as we felt the massive ocnstruct raise itself up to our level. "Alrighty, then. C'mon, let's keep it the fuck movin'." And out we stepped, marching onto the center of the massive elevator. I hit the switch, and the machine took us down, down, down, in a ring of fire!

Ah-HEM! Sorry, had a bit of country stuck in my throat.

Anywho, the turntable took us down several stories, to rock-bottom. Here we stepped off, finding the entrance to an Umbrella facility that shall remain unavailable until Resident Evil 2.

_'The Raccoon Underground Research Facility... Hmph. Best keep things on-track, otherwise Marcus and his leeches will survive to keep spreading. That would most definitely not be a good thing, leech. Besides, the guys from Alpha are going to need our help. Leech.'_

"Alright, move up but be careful. Becca, take right. Billy, left." I moved up the center, heading for that elevator, taking slow, even steps, keeping my AKM trained on the crack between the doors.

_'Any second now. Come on, Enrico, get with the script.'_

I'd just stepped past the corner of the hall when the lights above the elevator lit up, a buzzer sounding. "Shit! Sides!" I ducked back to Rebecca's side, lightly pushing her back and out of sight. Billy was doing the same, keeping out of our newcomer's line of sight.

Mere seconds passed before we heard the door open, and I dropped to a knee, having switched hands with my rifle as I brought the muzzle around the corner. "Freeze! Hands in the air!"

Billy had done the same on the other side, levelling the sights of his MP5 on the Captain of Stars Bravo team.

Enrico's eyes darted between my muzzle and Billy's, but he slowly raised his hands, a pistol grip shotgun held by the barrel in his left.

"Captain Enrico Marini?" I asked, using my off-hand to keep Rebecca out of sight in case the good Captain opened fire.

The hispanic man looked lsightly surprised that I knew his name. "You know who I am?"

Alright, step one complete. I smiled, lowering my weapon. "Yeah, we found a stray of yours."

Taking her cue, Rebecca bounded out around the corner, beaming happily. "Captain! You're alive!"

Marini was now absolutely shocked. "Rebecca?! You're alright?"

I got to my feet, waving Billy up as I moved closer to the reunited members of Bravo.

"Rebecca, what are you doing with him? I thought I warned you that-"

I cut him off. "At ease, Marini. I'm a United States government agent, and I'm conducting an investigation into Umbrella on claims of human experimentation and the manufacture of biological weaponry. Both Mr Coen and Ms Chambers are key witnesses, and are under my protection until further notice."

The stalwart Captain did a double-take, plainly staring at me. "And just who the hell are you?"

"My name is Roy Mustang, that's all you need to know. Where's the rest of your team? There should be three more of you, at least."

He blinked again, staring hard into my eyes. "Three? What do you mean, there should be four more."

Shaking my head, I reached into my pocket, pulling out Edward's nametag and patch. "Unfortunately, Edward Dewey did not survive the injuries he sustained when he attempted to escape the creatures in the forest. I'm sorry, Captain, but there's no body to collect. The train we were on crashed, and by now the flames have probably spread to the fuel tanks."

He took the patches with a somber expression, shaking his head as he pocketed them. "So just what do you mean when you say these two are key witnesses? Even eye witness accounts of the monsters roaming the Raccoon Forest aren't likely to pursuade anyone without proof."

So just how should I play this? Aha. "The Lieutenant has information regarding how the Umbrella Security Service operates and is vital to my case. Ms Rebecca has survived a T-virus exposure, so I need her alive to guarantee biological samples and a chance for the Agency to find a way to synthesize her antibodies. If she survives the night and I get her to my people, then they'll finally be able to find out just what makes her immune, and how to replicate it. That is my top priority with the likelihood of a T-virus outbreak in the near future, due to Umbrella's recent clusterfuck of a quarantine."

His eyes widened, flicking towards the young girl, who tactfully kept her mouth shut. "If she's been infected and hasn't turned into one of those things, then when they take her blood, they'll also be able to isolate the virus itself, proving its existence and effects, right?"

I nodded the affirmative. "Bingo. The US government has been aware of Umbrella's interest in biological experimentation, but has only recently got wind of exactly _what_ they've been doing. That's why I'm here; they need proof, hard evidence that cannot be denied, bribed, or explained away."

"Hmph. So just what are you going to do?" He asked, still staring me down, sizing me up.

"RDV at the Spencer Estate and raid the Umbrella laboratory there, then await extraction by Alpha team when they come looking for your squad. By tomorrow, the rest of Bravo should already be there. In fact, I thought you would be there by now. So where's your team? And your pilot?"

Enrico shook his head, reaching back to fiddle with his radio. "Not sure. Kevin remained with the chopper, doing what he could to repair it. I doubt he's still alive, with those things out there. Sully and Forest headed north, while Richard and Edward had gone to the East from the crash site, and I'm assuming they got seperated since you found Edward. Agh, these damn radios have been less than worthless all night."

My eyes narrowed. "What happened with the copter? I thought Stars had a pair of Hueys, not exactly prone to breakages. Sabotage?"

He replied with a nod. "Seemed like it. Something ruptured in the fuselage, broke free in the exhaust just below the blades. Starting to think someone messed with our radios, too. This is the first time they've acted like this outside of a blizzard."

"Damn. Wouldn't surprise me that Umbrella would place a mole inside the Stars unit, or at least the RPD. I know Irons is corrupt, but I doubt he'd do the dirty work himself. Might even be Wesker himself, wouldn't shock me one bit. I don't like this, not at all. Well, what do you want to do, Marini? Sticking together might be a good idea, but then if we walk into a trap together, we're all screwed."

"Two seperate routes? Would be smarter not to put all the eggs in one basket."

I nodded, hooking a thumb back towards the elevator. "Roger that, then. We'll head down that elevator and take the scenic way through the water treatment plant. Hopefully the place will be empty. You good on ammo?"

The Captain nodded once more, hefting his 12 guage. "Five mags and forty shells, plenty enough." I reached into my duffel, pulling out a handfull of boxes and 92 magazines.

"Take these, then. Shoot 'em in the head, a'ight? Otherwise they'll get back up. And whatever happens, don't get bit."

As he took the proferred ammunition, he asked, "Roger that. Can I trust you to take care of Rebecca?" Bravo's Captain subtly glanced towards Billy-boy, then back to me.

Hmph. Can you? "I'd rather die than tell that little girl's parents that she didn't make it. You can be damn sure I'm getting her home, one way or another."

Enrico nodded again, turning towards that other hallway. "I'm leaving her in your care, then. And keep your guard up, Rebecca! I expect to see you hale and hearty tomorrow morning!" He called over his shoulder, leaving us on our own.

"Yes, sir!" She called back, still smiling brightly.

Moments later, after we were sure he was out of earshot, we all breathed a collective sigh. "Geeze, I can't believe that worked."

"I can't believe he didn't shoot me."

Rebecca looked between the two of us with a frown. "I can't believe you two have so little faith in the Captain. And what were you talking about when you mentioned sabotage?"

Shaking my head, I said, "Umbrella has agents in the Raccoon Police Department, including Chief Brian Irons. It wouldn't surprise me if they had Stars sent out just to test their bioweapons, only for Marcus to contaminate the train and fuck up their experiment. It would explain why your team was so lightly armed, along with the helicopter crashing and the radios being on the fritz. When Umbrella is involved, there is no such thing as coincidence, Rebecca. You'd do well to remember that."

She thought on my words, biting her lip as she swallowed, the severity of the situation sinking in. They'd been sent out there with only one purpose.

**To die.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**There is a shout-out to Archer in here, as well as another very, verrry subtle one to the Dark Id. Also ones from Jeopardy, the book Traitor and Johnny Cash.(God rest his soul) **_

_**Does it have the thing that goes up?**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"History is neither our servant, nor our master." **_**-Unknown**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"****Jes remember... Ya can fix ignorance, but stupidity is forever!" **_**-Hog **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Live free or die; Death is not the worst of evils." **_**-General John Stark, Revolutionary War Hero.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	8. Chapter 8 Moving Fast

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

_**"**_**Fight! Kill! WIN!" **_**-Motto of the Wolves.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#8 _**The Monster Within**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

I picked up the elevator key, which was conveniently lying on the floor right next to the elevator Enrico had come through, and remarked, "Well, now. How careless, someone seems to have lost the key to that other elevator. We'll have to thank them sometime, don't we?"

Our medic piped up with, "Is it just me, or do all Umbrella employees leave important keys in the most odd places? It's like they've never even heard of a keyring." Rebecca frowned, perplexed by that inconspicuous coincidence.

Billy just snickered. "I bet all the door keys are the same, they're just made to look different to mess with people."

"Hah! Wouldn't surprise me. That'd also be a neat and cost-effective security method, since no one would ever suspect it." Yeah, who would try to use the wrong key to open a door that only his boss has access to?

Eheh, good times.

Anywho, we meandered across the turntable one last time, making for that elevator. _'Alright, the tyrant is going to show up any minute now. This will be a perfect opportunity to make them think that I don't know exactly what's going to happen, should help my backstory, anyway. Just hope those two keep themselves alive.'_

I plugged in that key, twisting and hitting the button to call the lift when suddenly, a chill ran down my spine. I reached up and touched my neck, suppressing a shudder. "Roy? Is something wrong?" Rebecca asked, concern and caution in her voice.

"No. Something's not-"

*_FWUMPK!_*

I glanced towards the sound, my eyes widening on their own at the sheer size of that giant mutated fucker. "Oh, shit... We are royally up-fucked, now."

"W-what the hell is that?"

Carefully shifting in front of them as the monster growled, I said, "On my mark." The tyrant tensed up, hopping down to land not five feet away from us. It raised that massive clawed arm- "MARK!"

Billy dived to his right as I did the same, grabbing the girl as I went.

*_**BL-KTSHCHK!**_*

The proto-tyrant's claw smashed the controls for the shutter, causing it to come down and slam shut, locking us in with the monster. I scrambled to my feet, gun at the ready as I shouted, "I'll distract it! Billy, launcher! H-E!"

As he started in on that, shaking the fear from his mind, I moved forward, hosing down the big bastard with my AKM.

The bullets didn't even phase it, until they struck its heart. With a growl, the monster raised its claw as a shield. As my gun clicked dry, I slapped the mag out and loaded the next, strafing away from my partners while firing towards the tyrant's eyes.

Goddamn, this thing isn't even flinching!

As it raised its arm well back, I tensed up, then ducked and rolled just before it lunged, missing me by mere inches. When my AK ran dry once more, I thought back to my training, the old mantra running through my head. _'Feed it, feed it, feed it!' _Grab, set, flick, adjust, tilt-turn-rack and GO!

Set the sight, tighten grip and hold the trigger. ***BATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAAAT!***

Another thirty rounds right through the heart and the tyrant recoiled, shaking its head before it roared loud enough to make my ears pop.

"**GrrrRRROOOOAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!**"

_'God damn it, this rifle is worthless against that thing! I need something with more oomph. The guage, then.'_ I pulled the sling off my body, dumping the Kalashnikov on the ground before whipping up my Ithaca.

***BAWFUHL!***

One shot right through the head and the tyrant suddenly got _really_ pissed. Not even a growl, it just dashed right at me, taking shell after shell right to the heart.

_'Fuck!'_ I dipped to the side, avoiding the claw compl-

*_Whumpk!_*

"OOMPH!"(More oomph, indeed)

And the next thing I knew, I was flying through the air, the wind knocked out of me before I felt my back slam against something solid, my head cracking against it right after.

My vision darkened around the edges and my mind went fuzzy as I collapsed to the floor, nothing but pain consuming my conscious thoughts. Blinking back tears, I found myself coughing, heaving something hot, foamy and coppery-tasting up and out to splatter onto the concrete floor.

_'God... Goddamnit. Agh, this hurts.'_ I forced my head up, gritting my teeth at the sheer agony that radiated from my gut and back. _'It- It's still coming. Come on, get up! Fight through the pain!'_

Just as the tyrant stopped right in front of me, gunfire caught my attention. Rebecca and Billy were shooting, peppering the thing's back with lead.

"Over here, you big dumb bastard! Come get some!" The Marine shouted, emptying his magazine into the monster's exposed heart.

It growled, having lost interest in the easy prey as it stalked towards them. Just as it crossed halfway towards them, Billy pulled up the Arwen, grinning as he set the sight. "Sayonara, asshole."

*_**Click!-**__Fzzzssht_*

"Huh? What the-? Oh, FUCK!" He yelled, having glanced down and saw that the round was, indeed, a dud.

_'You have got to be fucking kidding me.'_ I thought, as the Lieutenant looked up just in time to get bitch-slapped across the room and into a wall, where he slid down and stayed put, dropping his weapon in the process. _'Cockblocked, owch.'_

Stumbling to my feet, I shook the haze from my vision, starting forward as the tyrant turned on Rebecca. Her feet were rooted in place by fear, her shaking hands fumbling the magazine she was trying to load into her weapon.

And as the tyrant raised its clawed arm-

_**'NO!'**_

Something inside me snapped, everything coming into perfect clarity. NOW that damnedable curse kicked in, the pain fading, my heart pounding, eyes clearing; the weakness in my muscles vanishing as quick as it had come.

That is when I moved.

_'Fight! Kill! WIN!' _

_I moved faster than I thought possible, thinking only of how I could save that little girl. She was locked in place, eyes wide as her life flashed before them. And as the tyrant's claw came within inches of her heart-_

. . .

"Oof!" Rebecca felt herself being pushed, landing hard on her tail as the most gut-wrenching sound she'd ever heard echoed around the room.

*_**Puhl-Ktchglchk!...Pap. Plap.**_*

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**[Cue music: Blood On My Hands, by The Used]**

*_**Pap. Plap-Plop.**_*

Blood dripped onto the floor, the sound horrifying Rebecca more than anything else she'd ever experienced. She didn't want to look, didn't want to see, but her body refused to listen to her mind.

Her eyes turned upward, expecting to find nothing more than hollowed eyes and a blank expression, just like all those unfortunate T-virus victims they'd encountered before, but what she saw was a complete shock.

"Rrgh..." Roy was alive, growling like some kind of monster as he held the creature's claw in place, embedded in his left shoulder. His left arm was covered in blood, violently shaking as it maintained a death grip on one of the smaller claws. "_My_ turn, tyrant!"

His other hand moved faster than a striking snake, whipping out that handgun he'd found earlier, jamming it against the creature's exposed heart.

***Baw-Baw-Baw-Baw-Baw-Baw-Baw-Bawfuhl!***

Eight shots rang out in under three seconds, every round entering the monster before the first casing even touched the ground. He flipped the magazine out and had another in the air, catching it in the magwell before slamming it home on the monster's face.(Yeesh, you'd think he would leave the taunting for after he finished killing it. Or at least when the thing wasn't impaling him)

Another eight rounds, and the- The tyrant, he called it, seemed to be entirely shocked as the thing tried to pull its claw out, tried to back away from the crazy man.

But Roy didn't let it. He tossed the handgun aside, raising up his shotgun, ramming the muzzle against the creature's injured external organ.

_**"DIE!" **_

_'Jesus! He's insane,'_ I thought,as Roy pumped round after round into it, racking the weapon against his leg each time, never letting its monstrous appendage go.

The creature finally gave a weak, growling moan, stumbling backward as it ripped the claw from Roy's body. He himself stumbled a bit, but with a shake of his head, he sprinted forward with an inhuman roar, faster than ever before as he rammed the tyrant, bowling the thing over as it teetered unsteadily.

_'No... Compared to that thing, Roy's the REAL monster. Even the tyrant is afraid of him.'_

As it hit the floor, the CIA agent was on the big bastard like stink on shit, jamming the muzzle of his shotgun against its heart and emptying another half-dozen shells before he finally dumped the shotgun and pulled something from his belt, breathing hard as he pulled his shaking left hand up to do something with it, before a *_Clink!_* Sound was heard.

Roy then dropped down and jammed the object in the monster's mouth, turned and dashed towards me-

"Wah-! Oomph!" He just shoved me! What the hell did he do that fo-

***BALOOOMSH!* **

An explosion rocked the room, deafening me for several moments. Oh, right. He picked up some grenades back when we were back in the Training Facility, didn't he?

Back to the present. Roy was on his feet, offering me his hand; his right one, to be specific, as his left was just kinda hanging by his side. I took it, trying to push myself up rather than pull, seeing as he was panting hard, and seemed to barely be able to stand. Dear god, that's a lot of blood.

"Th-that's a lot of blood! Come on, let me-"

He shook his head, cutting me off. "Fer'get it, g'check on Billy-boy." Roy then nodded towards the Marine, who was still out cold on the other side of the room. We hurried over to him,(Shambled over is a bit more accurate of a description. Monster or not, he was a bit loopy with that much of his blood on the _outside_ of his body) finding he was still breathing, at least.

"Billy. Hey, Billy! You alive?"

Moments later, the ex-Lieutenant opened his eyes, groaning as he touched the back of his head, fingers coming away covered in blood. "Augh, damn! Just my fucking luck, getting a dud shell. You two-" His eyes bugged out. "Shit, Roy!"

The younger man brushed off his concern. "S'not as bad as't looks."

"Well, fuck. Go on, dollface, get him patched up before he bleeds out. Think I'll make do with a bandage and some aspirin. A _lot_ of aspirin, owch." Billy rubbed his head again, wincing slightly.

As Roy sat back and finally allowed Rebecca to look him over, something caught the ex-Lieutenant's attention. "Uh, guys? Where's that big-ass monster that was giving us the finger a minute ago?" They both stopped dead, turning to where it had fallen, unmoving.

There was plenty of blood, but no body.

"Grrr..."

An ominous growl right behind them caught the trio's attention. All three of us turned, finding the giant still alive, missing half its head! "GRRROOOOAAA-"

***BADOOOOMSHK!***

Another sudden explosion rocked the building, the entire top half of the tyrant suddenly vanishing in a splatter of blood, bone and gore.

We were all left to sit there, blinking dumbly as we then noticed the grenade launcher still lying on the floor at an odd angle, smoke drifting into the air from the muzzle.

"Dud shell, right. Heh... Heheh, hehehahahahahahahaAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

All three of us busted out laughing, inexplicably finding the incident unreasonably hilarious for reasons that none of us could ever understand, and didn't particularly want to.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"I- I can't believe we survived that." Rebecca muttered under her breath, still smiling, still panting.

Shrugging, I offhandedly said, "That is we like to call Deus Ex Machina. God farted, so the launcher went off at precisely the right angle to blow the fucker's ass to pieces and save ours at that exact moment. Take it as you will, but I'm not complaining."

The medic shook her head. "Good point. Now come on, off with your shirt, I need to look at that wound."

Dreading what was about to happen, I sighed as I pulled off my vest and shirt, wincing at the pain in my shoulder. It was still leaking enough blood to leave me feeling woozy and numb, but I'd live.

Hopefully.

The medic sucked in a breath, swallowing drily. Thaaat's not ever a good sign. "Oh my god... You- You know that if this had hit even an inch further in either direction, it would've killed or crippled you, right?"

I nodded. "Worth it. You okay?"

Swallowing back bile, she nodded, patting my injury with an alcohol-drenched gauze pad as she quietly responded, "Y-yeah. And thanks."

"It's what I do. Besides, I promised Enrico I'd get you home, didn't I?" I smiled warmly, trying not to flinch at the burning sensation when she applied more alcohol to the wound.

Moments passed in silence as she fixed me up, using powered herbs and spray, placing heavy sterilized pads over the injury before wrapping my entire shoulder in bandages. "So what was that thing? You called it a tyrant."

Hmph, right. Opened my big damn mouth, didn't I? "That was a proto-tyrant, a non-production model of their Ultimate Bioweapon project. The thing's nearly invulnerable to conventional small arms, which you both witnessed. Rifles and pistols are worthless, so high-caliber munitions are required. Shotguns are pretty effective, but they soak up a lot of lead. And as you saw, they also regenerate very quickly. I didn't expect it to get back up so soon after swallowing a frag, but live and learn. Next time I'll blast a hole in its heart and stuff a 'nade in there."

"There are more of those things?!" Billy shouted, eyes wide with shock.

I nodded in the affirmative. "Of course. That fucker was a one-off throwaway, but the rest are far more intelligent. In fact, I think that particular one was meant to be disposed of, seeing as it was the prototype. Still, they're pretty vicious."

"Wait. If that thing was made using the T-virus, could it have infected you?!" Rebecca practically shouted, her voice strained with worry, and I swear there were tears forming in her eyes.

D'aww, damnit. She's just too cute.

But uh, ah-HEM.(Mind outta the gutter, Romeo) Could it? Possibly. Probably. No fluids were exchanged, but it wasn't a perfect model, so it just might. Then again, I had quite a bit of infected blood on me, so any of that contacting the wound could transfer the virus.

"Hmph. I dunno, won't until symptoms show." The honest truth, that. Even if it is irritating.

Billy stood up, dusting himself off as he collected his gear. "Then we have two reasons to get moving. Will you be alright to fight?"

I scoffed at the thought. "Hah! I can still hold a gun, thank you very much. C'mon Becky, you've ogled me long enough for now, gimme back my shirt." Though I probably won't be shooting anything left-handed for awhile, at least.

Definitely not a shotgun, anyway.

She gave me an odd stare. "But there's a giant gaping hole in it, the sleeve's hanging on by a threat."

I scowled, taking the garmet and ripping off the sleeves. "Damnit, they always go for my Underarmor shirts. Why? Why do they always need to fuck with my wardrobe? Agh, bastards have no respect for how much these things cost."

Both of my compatriots were amused by my priorities, oddly enough.

After getting that,(Along with some pain killers/antibiotics, of course) my vest and the rest of my gear on, I stood up and hit the elevator again, this time with it opening and allowing us to use it without being interrupted or attacked. As we stepped inside, I raised my newly-reloaded AKM and put a round through Marcus' pesky camera.

Tch, the peeping bastard can get his thrills elsewhere, that conniving hack.

"What was that about?" Rebecca asked, of course, being the curious open-mouthed one.(No innuendo here, move along)

"Security camera. I don't particularly enjoy being watched, least of all by people who are more than likely trying to kill us," I explained, leaning back against the wall and getting comfortable.

She blinked owlishly before hooting,(I told you! She actually hooted!) "That's a good point. You make a very convincing argument."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Ngh! Ugh, ack. So just why the hell am I climbing up here, again?"

I shook my head, rolling my eyes.(In a vain attempt to keep my eyes off of her lovely rear, if I'm being entirely honest) "Well, because apparently some dumbass left his keycard up there, somehow. Come on now, I'd climb up there myself, but my arm is hanging on by an ass hair."

Rebecca began giggling again as she replied, "Eheehee, you're awful! Quit making me laugh, before I fall."

Before? This is Rebecca Chambers, of course you're going to fall. "Don't worry, that's why we're here. Something soft for you to land on, right Billy?"

"Seems to be apart of your job description now, Roy." Pretty much.

A few moments later, "Got it!" She called, hopping down onto the crate with keycard in hand. "So where are we supposed to- WHOA!"

She then slipped as the edge of the wooden crate broke off, the dryrotted junk unable to support her measily hundred pounds. And wouldn't you know it?

*_Whump!_*

"Oof!"

Of fucking course, she just HAD to fall on top of me, that sizable, plush posterior of hers landing hard on my groin, leaving me flat on the floor to stare up at the young woman straddling my crotch.

"S-sorry! The wood broke, and-"

Groaning,(In both pain and arousal, I must admit) I snarked, "Y'know, you've been falling on top of me an awful lot, lately. Is there something I should know? Do you have a magnet in your pants?"

The Marine choked, biting back chuckles as Rebecca asked, "A magnet? No, why?"

Heheheh, I still like this one, cheesy or not. "Because for some reason, your ass seems to be immensely attracted to my balls of steel."

AAAhahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, the _look_ on her beautiful, bright red face!

"Hah! Balls of steel is right, that looked like it hurt. You still got lefty?" Billy remarked, snickering at Rebecca's blushing, frazzled expression.

"And righty, too. Good old Duke ain't got _shit_ on me."

That finally broke the medic out of her trance. "Wait, was that a Duke Nukem reference?"

I blinked at her sudden change of mood. "Uh, yeah. What, are you a Duke fan or something?"

"Hell yes! Hail to the king."

Well. That's, uh, shocking. Should've guessed that the geeky girl genius would also be a gamer, but still. Wait, shit. I keep forgetting that any current gamers in this timeline would be considered old-school by the standards of my own time. Yeesh, this makes my head hurt.

Jokes aside, it was time for us to get out of this shithole.

I climbed to my feet, gingerly pulling the girl up with me. "Alright, alright. You two ready to get the hell outta here?"

They shared a look. "Fuck the hell YES!"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Oh, FUCK no! I am _not_ going across that!" Rebecca protested, staring in abstract horror at the itty-bitty bridge that was under two feet of rushing water.(If that. Looked more to me to be around, oh, I dunno. Maybe a foot and a half)

Sighing, I said, "Look, this is the easiest, quickest way to get to where we need to go. Unless you would rather be locked inside of a three-by-three foot square box and suspended across a chasm for fifteen minutes in complete darkness, then I suggest you man the hell up."

. . .

"What was that about a bridge? Aw, yeah, easy! I love bridges! Let's go."

Heh, that's what I thought. I impress even myself. Nodding contentedly, I rifled through my duffel for that bit of rope I'd brought for this, pulling it out and passing the end of it to to the others, tying my end to the buckle of my belt.

"Alright you two, tie off. Rebecca, do it maybe a quarter from either of us, then pass the rest to Billy-boy."

This took a few moments, and I had to make sure that she didn't fuck it up so bad she'd fall, but we were good to go. "Okay, we're good. I'll take point, but watch your footing and keep an eye out for any shadows in the water. I remember some Umbrella quack deciding to inject frogs with the T-virus and making gigantic maneaters, to be careful. If something jumps up, duck down and lurch forward, pull yourself with the guardrail. Got it?"

Swallowing drily, they both nodded.

Alright, let's get this done. Somebody kick the jukebox, preferably with something lighthearted, less likely to run into problems that way.

**[Cue music: Yakety Sax, by Benny Hill]**

Yeah, that's more like it!

I took hold of the ladder, lowering myself down rung by rung, watching the spacing between myself and Becky to make sure I didn't pull her down with me. Once my foot touched the-

"IIEEEYOW THAT'S COLD!"

Just over the roar of the rushing current, I could hear the other two snickering above me, the bastards.

_'Why is it always me?'_ I thought, starting forward as Rebecca touched down, shivering the moment her own feet got wet.

"OOOH! God, you weren't kidding!"

No shit, sherlock. "C'mon, the faster we're across, the less shrinkage I'll get. Keep it the fuck movin' and don't stop."

And so! We legged it across the tiny, flooded bridge without any issues whatsoever. Seriously, nothing. Not even a guppy.

...Okay, I lied, but I don't feel like reliving that little slice of shit, fuck you very much.

"*_Pant, pant_* I- I can't believe we survived that! What the hell was that and how did that thing get there?!"

In response to her inquiry, I simply said, "God farted again. Now let's go before the third-time-charm kicks in." We hauled ass inside before undoing the ropes and heading for the door that was locked shut by a magnetic lock, demanding tribute of one macguffin(Keycard) before allowing us to pass.

"Alrighty then, folks. This is the endgame. Through this door we'll probably find Marcus waiting for us, that little fairy bastard we saw singing to the leeches. Moment you see the whites of his eyes, blow his fuckin' head off, Billy."

The Marine nodded. "Got it. Napalm?"

I shook my head. "Explosive for the first pass, then incindiary for the rest. We blast the little bastard to kingdom come, burn the remains and then we burn the ashes. We'll let Satan glue his sorry ass back together. Any objections?"

Rebecca then snarked, "Either of you wanna get souvenirs?"

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Welcome, young ones. So glad you could-"

***BADOOOMSHK!***

Bite-sized bits and pieces of what used to be James Marcus' leech-revived self rained down all over the room as the catwalk he'd been standing on collapsed, several dozen leeches getting squished in the process.

"Fuck you _very_ much, and have a nice day. So, anyone else feel like having a Bar-B-Q?"

Cue three very evil grins, followed by the firing of a few incindiary grenades to clear out the leech infestation between us and the exit. Once that was done, we nonchalantly meandered on over to the heavy steel doors that would be our escape.

"Through this door is an elevator that will take us topside, where we can get the hell out and go our seperate ways. And oh, look! Some kindly stranger even left the keys for it in place." I grasped the right-side one, turning to look as Billy had the other.

"One, two, three, turn!" He said, both of us twisting the shaft keys at the exact same time.

*_EEEEEING_*

A small buzzer alerted us to the doors unlocking before they slid open, revealing the elevator shaft.

The three of of giddily stepped through, finding a large shelf full of heavy munitions lying in plain sight. "Well, now. It must be Christmas morning!"

The Marine scampered on over after having stolen one of my earlier lines, gathering up several explosive rounds with glee.

Heheh, like a kid in a candy store. But anyway, time for business. I hopped up onto the lift, looking over the controls for a moment. As the other two climbed on, I hit the switch, the elevator giving a jolt before it began to rise.

I then turned back around, looking down at the slowly shrinking doors down below. "Hmph, I don't like this. Hey Billy-Bob, load up some napalm, we'll make sure none of the remaining leeches can follow us."

He stepped up to the railing with a grin. "My pleasure."

Three rounds hit, leaving a river of burning goo across the floor, filling the area with enough heat and smoke. "Think that'll do?" He asked, steping well back and reloading.

"Should. We'll find out one way or another."

Minutes passed in near-silence, the only sound being that of the elevator as it continued to take us further and further towards the surface.

I was starting to get a little edgy, as the queen should've shown up by now, busting through one of the concrete walls. Glancing down at my watch, I found that it was still very, very early. 4:37 in the morning, sunrise wouldn't be here for at least another twenty minutes.

A moment later, I felt something nudge my side. It was Rebecca. "Is something wrong, Roy? You don't look so good."

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel so hot, either. Or rather, I do, even without any sleeves on. Not a good sign. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just figured the leech queen would've struck by now. Doesn't much matter, I suppose, seeing as this place will be nothing more than a memory within a couple of hours."

"And what if the queen escapes?" She asked, suddenly very wary.

Shrugging, I responded, "Doubtful. The leeches are very adverse to sunlight, burns their flesh like an open flame. And since dawn will be here in less than half an hour, I'm not worried about it escaping. Besides, even the warehouse above us is going to wind up turned into scrap when the blast hits. No shade, no leeches."

She gave a slight sigh. "Well, at least Umbrella is thorough when it comes to their containment measures. Think we'll make it out in time?"

I found myself smiling without even wanting to.

"Definitely."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Did anyone notice the Chekov's Guns in these last few chapters? Heheh, anyone with a keen eye for attention to detail will pick up on them in retrospect.**_

_**There's a shout-out to my fellow author Shadow of Cobra, right here on Fanfiction. I highly recommend his Code Geass story, "Audacity." It's very entertaining, even if it has been discontinued. **_

_**The Duke Nukem reference is pretty obvious, ditto for the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged one.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_


	9. Chapter 9 End of First Arc

**Resident Evil REwritten**

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**Quote(s) of the day!**_

_**"**_**If people are subjected to laws that are not required to be enforced upon those who created said legislation… Doesn't that make us subjects, not citizens?**_**" -WV Cycling**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

#9 _**Death of a Hero**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

At the top of the elevator, we stepped off and into a darkened warehouse, one with all sorts of crates, machinery and equipment surrounding us. The silence was deafening, the only sounds to be heard were our own heartbeats and shallow breathing.

"Hmph, not even a welcoming party? Starting to feel like I've got a horseshoe up my ass or something. Alright, enough goldbricking, let's beat feet before Murphy decides to drop in." My voice echoed around the room, drawing nervous chuckles from my compatriots.

"Really wishing you wouldn't bring up Murphy's Law so casually. We've run into more than enough surprises for one night."

I raised an eyebrow at Billy's comment. "Really, now? We've lived through an apocalyptic-type disaster that we had no fucking right to survive. That, and you were supposed to be executed this morning, so what're you complaining about?"

He remained silent, struck speechless by my undoutbably superior logic.

"How about 'cuz they're only behind schedule by about an hour and I'd really rather not give 'em a chance to catch up?"

Or not.

Still, he makes a good point. "Point taken. C'mon, then." I pushed open the door to the outside world, taking in the expansive scene. Maybe fifty feet ahead of us was a grassy knoll(Dunno what else to call it. Maybe a fifteen foot drop, if that?) overlooking a massive forest; the dull, dusky sunlight filtering through from over the horizon to highlight the trees and morning mist.

We silently approached, the early-morning chill sending pleasant shivers up my spine. "It's amazing, how beautiful the forest is in this light." Rebecca quietly said, more to herself than either of us.

"Mm. Quite a sight. And there," I pointed out in the distance, where the silhouette of a massive building could be seen in the distance, maybe three miles out. "Is our destination. At least we can see it from here."

Shaking my head, I glanced towards the Marine, who was shifting uncomfortably. "I don't know about either of you, but I'm not too keen on sticking around and waiting for help."

Well, this'll be easier than I thought. "Fair enough, then." I reached for my belt, plucking Edward's handcuff key from it. "Lemme get those cuffs off ya."

He allowed me to do so, chucking the bondage piece well out into the forest. "Thanks," Billy said, just before I plucked the tags from around his neck.

"And now, you're officially dead. I'll turn these in with my report, should hopefully get anyone interested off of your case. Now hang tight for a second." Tucking those away, I set down my bag and began rifling through it. Aha, there it is. Pulling out that pad and pencil I'd nabbed earlier, I scribbled down the E-mail address I haven't yet set up, along with a date. "Here, my Email. Contact me sometime in late 2004, by then I'll have a job set up for you and a proven case to clear your name. If I'm still alive, anyway."

The ex-Lieutenant blinked owlishly, quirking an eyebrow with an utterly confused look on his face. "Six years? What've you got in mind that'll take that long?"

Heheheheh, wonder if I should just be entirely honest? "I know the guy who'll be running for President, and he owes me some money, not to mention his virginity. Shouldn't take much to convince him to help out an old friend."

Both of them blinked before parroting, "His virginity? ...Do I even want to know?"

I shook my head, responding, "Probably not, but it's not what you think. Long story, involved a lot of alcohol."

"Uh, okay, then." He took the paper and information wordlessly,(Not really) then turned on his heel and started off.(Taking one of the duffel bags with him, too. Ah, well) "Thanks for everything, you two. I'll see you around."

"Take it easy, dead man! And I'd get outta here before sundown if I were you!" I called after him, just before he gave me an over-the-shoulder thumbs-up, dropping down and disappearing into the neareast treeline.

Rebecca was shaking her head, muttering, "I hope he'll be alright."

Shrugging, I said, "Eh, he's a Marine. Ain't nothing 'round here that can kill him. Well, it's just you and me, now, kid. Let's get moving."

And like that, we were off.

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

"Geeze... This place is even bigger than the Training Facility." The medic said, staring up at the massive house with wide eyes.

"Yep. And that's before you throw in the underground laboratory and watertank. But that's Oswell Spencer, for you; he lets the overcompensating come natural-like."

She shook her head with a small smirk that she tried to suppress, but we both knew there was no helping it with my sense of humor. "He's supposed to be an old man now, though. It's a wonder this place doesn't have a huge tower."

Heheh, time for an even better punchline. "Nah, he couldn't get a tower to stand straight with ten masons and a whole case of Viagra. Still, this place has a huge shaft that runs from the roof all the way to the bottom of the lab."

Rebecca giggled again, still shaking her head. "That's awful."

"But true. It's also how we're going to get outta here, as that elevator is the only way to get onto the roof. From there, Alpha's chopper should be able to pick us up easy. Problem is, getting into the lab will be a pain in the ass, not to mention dangerous, at least without backup." Hm. How will we handle this?

It's not like we can't just go down there and royally fuck shit up on our own, but I'd really rather have someone else on-hand that I can rely on to get our backs. Neither of us is in peak condition, with my bad arm and her with a good chance of not surviving the infection. Not like my odds are looking any better, but still.

But just how are we going to handle this? If we run into Lisa or that damned tyrant, we're fucked. Really shouldn't have let Billy run off with the launcher, fuck. Not to mention Plant 42; we can probably avoid that if we're careful, but without explosives or a flamethrower, we'll wind up as hentai-fodder for sure.

And I don't do tentacles, eugh. The rest of Bravo team might be here already, or they might still be off dicking around in God-knows-where. Kenneth, Richard and Forest are the remaining unaccounted members; Enrico is probably still wandering around trying to find a way to get here.

So the real question is, what do we do? With them and without them. Ack, I hate having to deal with this kindof _Damned if you do, damned if you don't _crap. "Say, Rebecca."

Her head tilted curiously. "Hm? What is it?"

"We have three options before us, circumstances willing. We can head down into the lab by ourselves and secure whatever evidence we can get ahold of. Or, we can seek out the remaining membrs of your team before doing so. Problem is, we don't know if they're already here, or if they haven't arrived yet. If they aren't, then we can either wait for them, or as I said, head down to the basement on our own. Listen, I'm used to operating by myself, so I'm not all that great at working with a partner, and I don't wanna make a decision that could get us both killed without your input. What're your thoughts?"

Rebecca was silent for a moment, her eyes glazing over as she thought on that. "I honestly don't know. We're probably better off regrouping before moving on, especially if this place is as dangerous as the last two we've been through. But then again, our clock's ticking. I've... Been feeling strange for the last hour."

Damn. Not good.

"Well, let's find out if your squad is here, first. If not, then we might have to wait for them." I grasped the handle, twisting and pushing, finding the backdoor to be unlocked. Just as it opened, the stench of death and decay assaulted my senses, stinging my eyes.

"Yeah. This place is contaminated, too. Alright, guns up and don't forget to check your corners."

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

Twenty minutes, that's all it took. From room-to-room, checking for evidence of anyone still breathing having passed through recently. And not a single sign; no bulletholes, no killed zombies, no empty casings, no lights turned on and no dead Stars. At least, not from the backdoor we'd come through to the foyer, which was now clear of any deadheads.(I'm skimming over this bit as it was rather boring and tedious. Didn't even take a whole magazine from my rifle)

"They aren't here, yet. Damnit."

I shook my head, patting her shoulder. "Don't worry about it. We're better off staying still for the moment, anyway. It'll slow the infection's progress, at least when compared to when we're moving about. Now give me a hand, we can at least leave them a warning for when they get here."

We went into the dining room, where I picked up a basting brush from the table and moved to where that blood was pooled on the floor. It still looked fresh, even thought it had to be days old. That's the T-virus, I suppose.

After lighting the fireplace, I soaked the brush in blood, then took it to the most visible wall in the room.

_**SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD OR BURN THE CORPSES.**_

_**ELSE THEY'LL GET BACK UP STRONGER AND FASTER.**_

_**BEWARE OF THE ATTIC. BEWARE OF THE RESIDENCE. BEWARE OF THE SHACK OUTSIDE. ONLY DEATH AWAITS YOU THERE.**_

_**DON'T GET BITTEN. YOU WILL BECOME ONE OF THEM.**_

_**WESKER IS A TRAITOR.**_

_**GOOD LUCK AND GODSPEED, STARS.**_

"Think this'll do?" I asked, tossing aside the brush as I turned to glance towards my partner.

She was looking a bit, ah, uncomfortable. "It's creepy as all hell, but I think they'll get the message." Well, that's good. "And what do you mean, Wesker is a traitor?"

I beamed, showing as happy an expression as I could.(Mostly just for shits and giggles. I was imagining the look on ) "He works for Umbrella, and he's also the one who sabotaged your team's helicopter. The bastard intends to bring Alpha here for them to be killed by the different creatures running around to collect combat data on the T-virus. Now c'mon, we're going to put a message in the foyer so they know to read this."

Rebecca shuddered, but helped me to do so.(Don't ask, it involved using a bowl and some poor zombie)

_**DON'T GET BITTEN. GO INTO DINING ROOM ON YOUR LEFT. **_

_**BE CAREFUL.**_

"Well, this should do." I said, wiping the sweat from my brow, having finished scrawling on the floor. It would be mighty hard to miss, seeing as it was eight feet ahead of the front doors.

We started off, heading back through the dining room and through the area. "I hope so. I just really hope the others will be alright." The girl was still frowning, looking concerned. And oh-so cute, but that's just me being me.(IE: a pervert)

Wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders(My GOOD arm, not the one that'd get blood all over her) with as warm a smile as I could muster, I said, "Don't worry about it, I'm sure they'll be fine. I'd be more worried about you, y'know."

"...You lied earlier, didn't you?"

Hm? The hell does she mean? Ah, crap. Hope she hasn't figured it out already. "What do you mean?"

She turned her head to look up into my eyes. "I'm going to die here, aren't I?"

Wha-?

Damnit. God damn it! "What makes you think that? We've done fine, up until now."

"About half an hour ago, my arm stopped hurting completely. That's not a good sign, is it?"

Ohhhh shit. Shit, shit, shit. Come on, think! What can I do? How can I fix this? Wait. Wesker! He's immune, isn't he? There's gotta be something I can do to help her. "Hmph. I told you I'd get you home safe, didn't I?"

After swallowing back whatever bile must've come up from finally saying it out loud, she asked, "And what're the chances of that?"

"Pretty damn good, I promise you that." Pushing open the door to the medical room, we stepped inside, finding the darkened room to be empty and pristine. "Huh. Doesn't look like anyone's been here in ages, at least."

"Looks like it." Upon noticing the bed, her eyebrows rose even higher as she asked, "A bed? You knew this was here, didn't you?"

Grinning widely, I cheekily stated, "Guilty as charged. I figured you'd be exhausted after everything that's happened, and you've earned a nap, besides. Dusty, but it's better than trying to sleep on the floor."

Rebecca gave me a rather odd stare. "You planned all this out, didn't you?"

I turned, glancing down to look towards my backside. "Nnnope, still flying by the seat of my pants. Who knew jerks were aerodynamic? At first I thought it was just the pointy head, but then again-"

She finally cracked, chuckling at the dumb joke. "Okay, okay, you win. I'll try to stop moping."

Ha ha, success!(Pursuasion +12) After ruffling her hair and saying, "Good. Now git, I'm gonna set up an alarm system."

While the girl meandered over and clicked on the light, I busied myself with setting my AKM up as a makeshift alarm in case someone opens the door, before dropping the heavy duffel bag as a doorstop to delay said intruder.

There's no lock on the door, but this'll do well enough to give us a heads-up if someone tries to get in. It'll get our attention, anyway. That finished, I unzipped the bag and rifled through it for that Bacardi.

Ah, here it is, still intact. Probably isn't the smartest thing to have, seeing as we're both operating on empty stomaches,(Soo hungry! I'd kill for a bite of steak right about now. Or a taste of Rebecca, heheheh) but it's better than nothing.

Standing, I turned back to Becca, moving closer when I noticed what she'd done without my noticing. She was half-sitting, half-laying on the bed, no longer wearing her vest or boots, both belts and the rest of her gear pulled off as well.

When I got closer, she opened her eyes, looking at the bottle in my hand. "The alcohol survived? Should've known. I guess this is as good a time for a last drink as any, huh?" She took the proferred drink, sitting up to take a swallow of it.

Rolling my eyes, I retorted, "Only if you vow to never drink again. C'mon, stop being so somber, we're still breathing."

"But for how much longer...?" She muttered, probably not intending me to hear it.

I felt my eye twitch in irritation. This is starting to get annoying. "What makes you so certain that you're doing to die?"

"I've seen enough of what the T-virus can do to figure it out. You already said there isn't a cure, anyway."

Alright, alright, time for drastic measures. I moved faster than one would think possible for someone with a gaping hole in his shoulder, positioning myself over her as I pushed her back flat against the bed.(ACK! OW! MY ARM! Damnit, that hurts like a rotten bitch!) "If it bothers you so much, then make the most of it. Be alive with me tonight."

The medic blinked owlishly, deadpanning,(She didn't even blush! Damnit, I've become predictable) "Is that supposed to be a line? I don't know how many times you've used it, but just so you know, it's very cheesy."

Eheh, I couldn't suppress the wry smirk that worked its way into my expression. "It's worked four out of seven times I've tried, including this one."

"Make that five."

Eh-?

**[Cue Music: Rebel Love Song, by Black Veil Brides.**_** Note; it took me awhile to find a good song for this scene. I don't have a lot of love songs, as you can probably tell.**_**]**

"Mmph!" Rebecca grasped the collar of my shirt, pulling herself up to press her lips to mine. In that moment, that moment right there, I had an epiphany.

_'I have been outmaneuvered, outplayed, and outwitted by a blushing virgin. Great, now I have to turn in my Man Card.' _Just as that thought crossed my mind, I got a better taste of the girl, getting an arm under her so she wouldn't stretch my shirt.(It was already destroyed and didn't need further abuse) It was also when I felt her groin grinding against my own from below. _'Eh, totally worth it. I'm still better off than that blonde-haired loverboy Leon.'_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

**At this moment in time**

"Ahhh- CHOO!" Leon S Kennedy sneezed, almost tripping as he ran along the track.

One of the othe recruits running with him asked, "Hey Kennedy, something wrong?"

He wiped his nose, shaking off that creepy feeling that someone was talking about him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just got the strangest feeling that someone was talking about me."

The other recruit flashed him a lecherous grin. "Probably the Asian instructor. Y'know, the cute one with the bangs? She was checking you out, man. Her eyes have been glued to your ass ever since you got here."

Strangely enough, Leon was not ecstatic about the news. In fact, for reasons he couldn't quite understand, it greatly disturbed him.

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

**Back with Roy and Rebecca.**

**THIS IS A LEMON. NOTHING IMPORTANT STORYWISE, SO IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL, FEEL FREE TO SKIP. **

**I'M USING BOLD LETTERS, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! YOU CAN'T MISS ME AT ALLLLL!**

_**Read on, you pervs.**_

"Mmn..." Lip contact was finally broken, if only for the sake of pulling off our tops. "My god, are you cut." She remarked, hungrily eyeing my chisled pectorals and eight-pack.(That's two more than you lazy bastards can achieve, isn't it? One-Upsmanship, yeah!)

"What kind of secret agent would I be if I wasn't?"

Rebecca giggled again, briefly reaching back to unhook her bra.(Hate those things. They're like fucking Rubix Cubes when you're horny and impatient. I've broken more than I've solved) "Whatever you say, Bond."

My eye twitched. Teasing-time it is, then. "Alright, then, Pussy Galore." I rolled us over, pulling her down for another kiss.

I don't think she much minded being on top. "Oh? You like it when the girl is on top, don't you?"

Who doesn't?

But anywho, she began gyrating her hips, grinding her groin against mine again, bringing this fuzzy whiteness to the edges of my vision.

And it felt _awesome._ Instead of answering her jibe, I sat myself up, wincing only a little at the slight stab of pain from my shoulder before latching onto her breasts. This'll learn her.

"Ahhn!" She let out a moan that sounded to be a combination of both arousal and surprise, pulling me tight against her body as I casually flicked my tongue over her dusky pink areola. A short suckle whilest fondling the other sent shivers down her spine. "A-are you going to put it in, or just tease me all morning?"

This is a surprise. I figured she would be a lot more reserved, all things considered. "Oh? Getting impatient, are we?" As I spoke, I stealthily slid a hand down the back of her capris, feeling up that rockin' ass of hers.

Admit it; you were waiting for that, weren't you?

"J-j-just tired of the fuh-foreplay!" Heheheh, her tone was offset by the stutter. Though I shamelessly admit, I was partly(Entirely) to blame for it.

Smiling like a snake with its prey in sight, I rolled us over once more, finally getting both of us fully on the bed while simultaneously dipping my good hand into the crotch of her pants.(Just 'cuz I'm gifted at multitasking)

A quick battle of tongues ensued before she finally glanced down towards my throbbing, ah, problem.

"That looks painful... Let me help with that." *_Zzzzzzip!_* "Oh my god. Oh my god! Is- Is that thing supposed to _fit_ inside me? I can't even fit my hands around it!" Despite whatever you might think, her expression wasn't one of fear or foreboding; nay, it was that of pure, unadulterated excitement, her small hands making my nine-inch monster look even more intimidating.(Seriously. It's huge! I scare myself when I get up to take a piss! I'm afraid it's going to eat me)

I grinned mischievously, undoing her own zipper. "Heh, thanks for the compliment, but he only gets bigger."

Rebecca's face darkened even further, blushing bright red all the way form the base of her neck. I was shocked she didn't get a nosebleed. "You're going to be the death of me, aren't you?"

"Only if it's death by orgasm." I finally slid those capris off her lovely rump,(I almost needed grease, they were so tight) and then down past her ankles. Strangely enough, I was right; her panties were, indeed, white with pink stripes. "Heh, I was right after all."

She quirked an eyebrow, asking, "What're you talking about?"

"I'd guessed the color of your panties hours ago, and it turns out I was right. I'm just overly-satisfied with myself," I offhandedly explained while tugging those off, too.(She had no comment on my response, by the way)

Aha; believe it or not, her muff was completely shaven- Wait, no, it was waxed. My lucky day. "Oh-ho?"

"W-what? I like my skin smooth down there, quit staring." As she said that with her face turning even more red,(Shocking, I know) I felt the tempo of her hand on my shaft increase. Heheheh, NOW she's embarassed?

You're far, far too late, my pretty. Looking back up into her eyes, I began working her over, one finger slowly rubbing the outer edges of her entrance, my thumb doing the same to that sensitive nub nestled above it. "How bad you want it?"

Rebecca swallowed again as a shudder ran down her back. "S-stop teasing me, already."

"You sure about that?"

She gave me a pleading look, one so pathetic and adorable my heart skipped a beat. "Please."

**!**

"Ah! You weren't kidding!"

_'Oh, she is getting FUCKED, now.'_ I thought, positioning myself between her legs.

Hm. Yeah, she's lubricated well enough, and it's going to hurt regardless, first time or not.(If she was shocked by my size, she's never taken anything bigger. That means it's definitely gonna hurt)

Rub the head in, get it wet, get her legs behind me and readjust her rump. Okay, we're good. I leaned forward, pulling her up for another kiss. "This is going to hurt, just so you know."

"I know."

She took my hands in hers, just as I pushed my length inside. Oh, goddamn! She's tight as hell!

"Ngh-!" She grit her teeth, shivering as I pressed forward against something about two inches in until I felt it give. "Ah-Agh..."

Rebecca had tears in her eyes, biting back whatever agony she was enduring. I kept going until I felt each and every inch of dickflesh buried in her warmth before I leaned down to embrace this lovely young woman, pressing my lips to hers once more.

I'm not sure how long we stayed like that; pressed together, doing all we could to get a better taste for the other, nothing but the sound of our heartbeats to keep us company. But at some point, she pulled back slightly, muttering, "You can move, now."

_'Good, 'cuz I'm about to pop. Damnit, she's tighter than Dick's hatband, I can barely move!' _Pulling back out was a chore, as it seemed like her love tunnel just did not want to let me go. Still, when only the head was left in, I shifted forward again, slowly plunging my length into her depths.

"H-how's it feel?" She asked, almost out of nowhere, as she was out of breath and panting.

Hm. Just how does she feel? Fuckin' amazing, period. End of report. "Eheh, tightest girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting." And I wasn't kidding, either. Looking down, I saw as well as felt my entire wang inside her, up to the hilt. I could feel something all the way in that I was pressed against; her cervix, I'm thinking.

"That means a lot, thanks." She wryly responded, trying not to cry aloud as I began thrusting a bit faster, a bit harder.

It was enough to send her over the edge. "Ah-ah-AHHHN!" Her arms and legs shook as she crushed me against her body, eyes rolling and muscles quivering.

Speaking of quivering, her kegels must be out of this world, 'cuz when she came, they tightened down even further, doing their best to milk my dick of every drop. Well, she accomplished her mission, ya?

"Ngh!" Just as that ultra-tight knot in my gut started to strain, that feeling of imminent release growing, I knew the point of no return had been hit. I forced myself back, her love hole releasing my member with a lewd *_POP!_* as I moved on sheer reflex to position my wang next to her face.

Of course, when she felt my fuck-muscle being pressed against her lips, she did the only thing that came to mind. Just as that knot snapped loose, she clamped her mouth around the head of my cock, giving a very nice but completely unecessary suckle while staring up into my eyes.

Pretty sure you can imagine what happened next.

"Mmn, mmph! _Ulp. Ulp. Ulp. Ul-_Bleh, *_Cough, Hack_* Uwah, that's too much!" She stopped and blinked, smacking her lips for a moment before confusion set in. "What the-? Why does it taste like mint chocolate?"

I glanced to the side, chuckling nervously. "Eheheheh, long story. Don't ask."

Rebecca quirked a eyebrow, giving me a coy smirk. "I never said I didn't like it. Ahhhmmph!"

Ugh-!

I felt myself go cross-eyed for a moment, a shiver running up my back. She had dived right back onto my still-throbbing shaft, taking it halfway down her throat on her first go, bobbing her head back and forth for a few moments, trying to suck out everything that was left.

_'Okay, it's official; I'm in love. This girl ain't gonna be able to walk when I'm through with her.'_

**End of Lemon. You can put your pants back on, now.**

About an hour and a half later, after we'd finished up and finally redressed,(For the most part. Back into our clothes, minus footwear and unneeded gear, anyway) I laid Rebecca on the bed, double-checking the room's safety measures before finally allowing myself to lay down and cuddle with this beautiful woman. I was still surprised either of us was conscious after all that, but I suppose anything's possible with the power of stubborn.

She had her head on my chest, her body draped over my own. "That was so nice... Thanks."

I couldn't help smiling. "It's what I do. Now get some rest, we're gonna need it."

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

**!**

GUWAH!

"Uh- Augh!" I rolled over on instinct, falling off the bed as the sheer agony radiating from my heart set my teeth on edge, wracked my body with convulsions.

It took all I had just to get myself to breathe, to open my eyes and see. "Kuh-_**Glchk!**__"_This was just in time for something to force its way up my throat and out, something dark purple and nasty-tasting, only to splatter onto the floor.

_'Wha-? What's happening to me?' _I thought, just in time for a second wave of pain to set off another coughing fit, sending more dark, viscous fluid onto the wooden floor. Doing my best to shake the haze from my mind, I found my muscles barely responding; it took a solid three minutes to get on my feet, still shaking. _'REBECCA!'_

I grabbed the nearby cabinet, steadying myself as I turned, dreading what I'd see.

But the girl was alright; she was still breathing, her face red and covered in sweat. How- How much time has passed? Has the T-virus affected me differently, or was it due to the tyrant? I could barely hold my arm steady enough to read my watch.

9:38 PM. We've been asleep for over twelve hours and no one's found us. Alpha isn't here yet, either.

"Guh-" Yet another wave of agony doubled me over, even more blood than last time coming up. _'I- I haven't got long. Need, need to get to them. Have to tell Stars.'_

I was in no condition to try carrying the medic out of here. Hell, I was barely standing.

Gotta get moving. Can't die here, not yet. Definitely can't die in the same room as her; if I turn into one of those things, she won't be able to defend herself, and I refuse to let her die!

After grabbing my Beretta and a mag, I lurched to the door, yanking it open as I practically fell through, pulling it shut in the same motion. I just have to hope if someone finds Rebecca, they'll help her.

Up the stairs, falling twice as I go, then over the rail and through the hall. Come on, move. Vision's getting dark, legs going numb. Not good. Into the dining room, stumble to the double-doors, shove 'em open.

Nothing. No one's here, yet. I weakly push the doors closed behind me, limping to the nearby corner above the front doors, coughing up even more purple blood.

_'The least I can do... Is ensure that the others survive. That they help Rebecca. That someone lives through this nightmare. That Wesker suffers for his betrayal. And I can do all of it in one fell swoop.'_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

**Several hours later**

The front doors fly open, the heavy footfalls of four seperate pairs of combat boots echoing around the vast foyer as someone slams the doors shut.

"Hah, huuh, hah- What the fuck was that? Those things were half decomposed!" A decidedly feminine voice cried, Jill Valentine at a guess. It was difficult to discern, as I was having a hard time hearing anything over the feeble pounding of my own heart.

The next was the voice of a male; too young-sounding to be Barry, and not evil enough to be Wesker. "Motherfuckers got Joseph. Damnit, what the hell was Brad thinking? That chickenshit left without us!" The infamous Chris Redfield, then.

"Something must've spooked him. Was probably more of those dogs, he might've ran off to avoid winding up like Kevin. God rest their souls." Aha; Mr Burton sounds a helluva lot better in person than he did in either of the games.

And finally, the mastermind; Albert Wesker. "It's irrelevant now, we're stuck here. Alright, we'll split into two teams to search this mansion and find out what's going on. Hm? What the..." Judging from the voices and footsteps, he's furthest from me compared to the others. I'll have to be quick.

Taking a slow breath, I shifted as best I could, trying to focus past the unbearable pain, struggling to hold my gun straight. Up and over the rail, head down. Take aim. Ah, there he is; none of them are looking in my direction, either. No, they're all focused on the message scawled in blood on the floor.

"Don't get bitten? I don't know about the rest of you, but I am thoroughly creeped out, now." Jill stated with a shudder.

Chris seconded her opinion. "I hear that. Was someone expecting us, or is this a warning meant for anyone unfortunate enough to wander in here by mistake?"

_'Hmph. Both, Chris. Alright, Roy, make it count. For Edward. For Rebecca. For everyone else whose lives got fucked by Umbrella.'_

Bang.

***Powfuhl!*** The first shot is always the loudest, always the one that's most likely to hit the mark. It's the moment that determines success or failure for an assassin. The one moment where we feel truly _alive_. In that tiny span of maybe a second and a half, Wesker looked down at the hole that appeared an inch above the dead center of his chest, right where the protection of his kevlar vest ended.

A patch of bright red blood was already spreading from the wound. By the time he and the other three had turned towards my direction, the edges of my vision had already greyed out, time slowing as I pulled the trigger again and again.

***P-P-P-P-Pow-Powow-P-P-P-P-Powfuhl!-**_Cli-Cli-Ktch!_*

The magazine ran dry long before any of them reacted. Twelve rounds, I now recalled, as I had forgotten to reload it earlier. The commander of Stars Alpha collapsed, landing hard on the cold floor, no longer breathing.

"WESKER!" I heard one of them scream, though it sounded far further away than it could've been.

My legs finally gave out, the last of their strength now spent. I fell backward, leaning against the wall simply to keep from falling over completely. My numb hands moved of their own accord, muscle memory forcing them through the motions as heavy footsteps echoed through the room.

Drop, pull, set, push, tap, flick. *_Cli-__**Chk!**_* And the SE2 was once again loaded. Strangely enough, the color didn't return to my vision; everything was still skewed in greyscale, not helping in the least with the way my head swam.

Still. Those footfalls are getting closer. I forced my head up and my eyes open, finding Chris was now on the second story, fast approaching until he noticed the gun, stopping dead in his tracks now that he realised he didn't have his own.

_'Idiot,' _I thought, flicking the safety and forcing my arms to comply as I set it on the floor, struggling to slide it towards him. "Go. Through there," I did my best to nod towards the doors to the dining room. "Open door. Then down stairs. First door you see. Find Becca. She-"

My eyes bulged as the agony tripled once more, involuntarily jerking forward as another coughing fit splattered thick and chunky blood onto the floor just in front of me. "_Hah, huuh..._ Sh-she hurt. Hurt bad. Save 'er, Topher."

The Redfield's eyes widened as he snatched up the Beretta, taking a wary step back as he asked, "Becca? Who are you talking about? And why do you have Edward's gun?"

Wha-? You're asking me about who it is? I said SAVE her, you dumb fuck! Not like I'm feelin' real chatty here, ya know. I'm fuckin' DYING over here, and you're asking about the gun? Ass. "Cha, Chambers. Bravo. Worse'n me. Hel, help her."

The moment the words left my mouth, his eyes shot even wider. "Rebecca?! Fuck!" He spun, dashing straight through the doors at a pace that I daresay rivalled my own at peak functionality.

Regardless.

Jill reached the top of the stairs not even a moment later, levelling her own weapon at me. "Chris! Where the hell are you going?! Agh, damnit!" She moved, getting closer. "You! Who the hell are you? Why did you shoot the Captain?!"

More fucking idiots. "T-t-traitor. Work for Uh-Umbr'la. Sent you here t'die." Fucking great. My body isn't responding the way it should; it feels cold. So very cold, enough to have me shivering and my teeth chattering.

All of a sudden, she seemed to notice my condition. "You're not looking too good. What happened to you?" Not looking good?

NOT LOOKING GOOD?! I've long since gone into shock here, lady, and you're making really dumb statements of the obvious? This is just lovely. "Sta-stabbed. Tyrant."

"Come on, talk to me. You're not making much sense."

Yeesh, none of this shit makes sense. It's a Capcom game. "Inf-fected. Help me d-down. N-n-n-need tran, transf-f-fusion. Blood."

Something seemed to click in her mind as her face scrunched up in confusion. "A blood transfusion? How would that help an infection?"

"Wes, Wesker. Immune t-t-to virus. Becca t-too."

"Wait, Rebecca? Rebecca Chambers? She's immune to whatever it is you're infected with?" Gah, damnit. I hate idiots.

I did my best to scowl, though I probably came out looking stupid. "N-no. She infect-ted. Need help. On'y Alby imu-mune. Ke-ke-ke-chemic-cal weapon. Umbr'la made."

Aha! Miss Valentine's eyes widened as realisation set it. "You mean it's an engineered virus made by Umbrella? The pharmaceutical company?"

Finally! "Ye-yes."

"So you're the one who wrote that message, aren't you?" My lips wouldn't work the way I wanted, so I just tried to nod mah head. "Alright. Come on, you don't look like much of a threat now, anyway."

Unfortunately, she's probably(Read: Definitely) right. After hauling me up in a rather uncomfortable manner and dragging me to the stairs, hacking and coughing up blood the whole way, she got me down onto the ground floor.

Barry was kneeling by Albert's corpse, looking over the body with a grim expression. He turned towards us, an expression of utter shock on his face when he saw how bad off I was. "How the hell did he pull this off like that? He can't even stand!"

"P-puh-power of stu-stubbern"

He shook his head with a wry expression on his bearded face. "Well, that explains it. The hell tore you apart?"

Jill answered for me. "Supposedly some kind of virus made by Umbrella, if he's to be believed. I doubt he'd gain anything by lying in his condition, but he might just be confused from shock and bloodloss."

"Fuh-fuh-fuck you." I eloquently replied, having been set down next to the dead prick just in time to hack up another pint of blood.

"Well, that's real pretty. I can see all the colors of the rainbow."

Ass.

Moments later, we heard Chris arriving, his return announced by shouting. "Hey! I've got another man down!" He rushed down the stairs, carrying Rebecca in his arms. She wasn't looking too good, but at least she looked better off than I felt.

"Se-set 'er d-down. Needle." Strangely, my feeble voice got their immediate attention. "T-Tee virus. Draw b-blood from Alby. Inject in vein."

The dumb look on Chris' face would've been amusing any other time, but right now I was struggling to stay conscious. "What? The hell is he talking about?"

Jill gave a very short summarization. "He says it's some kind of virus made by Umbrella and Wesker is immune to it, so a blood transfusion is needed. She still has syringes in her medical kit, right?"

I saw Redfield nodding from the corner of my eye. "Yeah, I grabbed that when I was there. They had a whole arsenal of weapons, too, but those can wait for the time being. Hey." He turned to me, getting closer to set Rebecca down. "What's going on? What does this T-virus do?"

"Ki-kills. Makes zombies. Monsters. B-be quick. I d-don't know w-what I'll bec-come. P-protot-type virus. Much worse. D-d-don't wanna 'urt any of you."

He shook his head. "Alright, alright. You were't lying about Rebecca, so I'll trust you for the moment. You're no good to us dead, anyway."

Well that's something, at least.

Chris rummaged around in the medic's pouches for a few moments before pulling out a hypodermic needle, shuddering as he drew blood from Wesker's body, thoroughly disturbed. He searched for a vein for awhile, but stuck the end in Rebecca's neck out of desperation, pressing down the plunger. She never even reacted.

The second time around, he had no trouble finding one of my own, as the veins in my body had become so darkly contrasted to my skin, they were plainly visible. "I don't know who you are, but I want some fucking answers, so you better not die. You hear me?"

I couldn't help smirking, nor the humorless chuckle that escaped my throat. "Roy Mustang. Check the dining room."

And as my eyes dragged themselves shut, the last thoughts that ran through my mind were of the young girl laid out next to me.

_'Rebecca... Live. Please. If there is a God, and he must take one of us, let it be me. I- I haven't prayed in so long, I don't know if I even remember it. Our Father, who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...'_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**Did anyone notice the Chekov's Guns in these last few chapters? Heheh, anyone with a keen eye for attention to detail will pick up on them in retrospect.**_

_**There's a reference to an old webcomic in here somewhere. Can you see it? It's very funny for those in the know. And then ones for Bulletstorm, Archer, Mass Effect 2,(ULTRA cheesy. Still, it was funny) and yet another Tani2 shout-out.**_

_**Long notes today.**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

**VOTE FOR RICH GRISE, THE LIBERTARIAN LOON! GRISE FOR PRESIDENT!**

_**I'm sorry, I had to say it. That's one on you, my friend. Best of luck in the 2016; I'm voting for you.**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**That last bit was going to be it for this chapter's notes, but something important has come up that you all need to hear. The ATF is pushing more restrictions on NFA items;(Some of the most heavily-regulated items aside from explosives and nuclear material) a new regulation allowing the local Chief of Law Enforcement to veto ANY request for his signature to purchase, manufacture or transfer any Title 2 item inside the area of his jurisdiction, regardless of whether it's legal to do so or not.(Regs aren't laws) **_

_**There have been over 9,000 public comments made on the ATF's website telling them NO! We don't want this, it won't help. But they're going to shove it down our throats anyway. And you want to hear the fucked-up part? They closed the comments on December 9, just before the anniversary of the Newtown shooting. **_

_**Everything they're doing flies in the face of federal law, that we are innocent until proven guilty, but whatever they can't do with legislation, they'll underhand with 'Interpretation.' **_

_**And they're going to announce this thing right after Obama's finished his speech at whatever bloody shirt-waving convention he's going to, I promise you that. **_

_**Scratch that, he's already wiped his hands off, **__**that piece of s- Politician, is so quick to stand on the graves of children to exploit their deaths for his political aims. Obama is truly a despicable human being.**_

_**It's sickening.**_


	10. Chapter 10 A New Nightmare

**Resident Evil REwritten**

A New Nightmare

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

_**"**_**Las Plagas: It will make you functionally retarded, but you'll have hearing sharp enough to kick Daredevil in the balls." -**_**The Dark Id**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#10 _**The Day a New Demon Was Born**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Mmn..." _

_Her tongue was intertwined with my own, our lips pressed together in a lethargic yet passionate embrace as we basked in the afterglow of after-sex bliss. The only thing that could make this moment any more perfect would be if we had some freshly-grilled steaks for those post-coital munchies, and a working hot tub to soak away the sweat and exhaustion we'd worked up before starting up yet another round._

_After that? A nice, long, uninterrupted, cuddle-ridden fourteen-hour nap. Yeah, that's what I need._

_Rebecca pulled back just enough to catch her breath, staring deeply into my eyes with that sleepy, contented smile on her face. "That was wonderful. I can't even feel my legs."_

_Hah, I still got it. "That's by design. Makes it easier to coerce you into going again."_

_She chuckled slightly, snuggling her head against my chest. "Heheh, I'm surprised you still have the energy to make jokes. So, what now?"_

_"Now? A nap, I'm too exhausted to even think about anything else." Just as my eyes began to drag themselves shut, I felt something odd._

_Rebecca sat up, leaning over me. I didn't remember this part. "No. You can't go, not yet. It's not your time. You need to wake up, Roy. You hear me? Wake up. Wake up, Wolf! __**WAKE UP!"**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Get up. You haven't earned the right to die, just yet.**_

"Hah, HUUH! *_Cough, Hack, Sputter_*" My eyes snapped open as I rolled over onto my stomache, coughing and hacking up what felt like a liter of blood. "Augh..."

**[Cue music: You Died, by Miracle of Sound]**

_'Rebecca. Rebecca! Where is she?' _Shaking the painful and fuzzy haze from my mind, I instinctively looked to my left, to where I'd last seen her. Yeah, there she is, laid out on the floor wearing the same green shirt and capris she'd fallen asleep in. The urge to make sure she was alright overrode any other conscious or unconscious priorities I had, so I pushed myself up as best I could, trying to get to her without falling over.

The young girl was breathing, at least, so that's a good sign. Touching feather-light fingers to her neck revealed that her pulse was normal, though body temperature was elevated significantly. She had a fever of at least a hundred and four degrees, maybe more, else my own body is far colder than hers.

Ah, but since we haven't been moved, then wh-

"Get away from her." Human, female. Twenty to forty years of age. My eyes rolled upward until I caught sight of the woman in question; it was the one and only Jill Valentine, sitting on the stairs, holding a Benelli M4(Also known as the M1014) aimed straight at me.(Or, the Assault Shotgun from the game)

Upon seeing her, my first thought was, '_Ah, yes, the RPD's infamous Master of Unlocking; Jill "Sandwich" Valentine. Nice jugs. __Heh, you can unlock my pants anytime, baby_. _Heh, heheh, that's probably_ _the RPD's official greeting for her. Why does she have Richard's gun? Hope the boy scout is okay.'_

"At ease, I'm still human."

She declined to lower her weapon. "I don't give a damn. Who the fuck are you? Why did you murder Wesker? And what are you doing here in the first place?"

Hmph, right. "Roy Mustang, I'm a government agent. Your boss is... Was, an Umbrella employee. He sabotaged Bravo team's helicopter and brought Alpha out here to gather combat data on Umbrella's Bio-Organic Weapons. In layman's terms, he brought all of you out here to die. Lastly, I'm just here to do my job and make sure those mad scientist bastards get what's coming to 'em."

Needless to say, she was not amused. "Say what? A government agent? The hell does that mean for one, and two, how would you know that he worked for Umbrella? How do you even know they caused all of this?"

Okay, I'm bored with being on the wrong end of that shotgun. "Central Intelligence Agency, what you'd probably refer to as a spook. It's a long story, but I can get you the proof you want the moment we get into the basement lab. It was never sterilized after the outbreak, so there should be plenty of evidence damning everyone involved in this little clusterfuck. Now are you done threatening me, or are you just gonna shoot your only chance of survival and get it over with?"

Jill blinked owlishly, giving me a fairly hard stare/glare as she finally lowered the weapon. "Only chance? Pretty sure of yourself for a guy who was dead for two hours. Your damn heart stopped, so would you care to explain to me why you're still alive?"

I died? Shit.

Well, not all that surprising, considering that dream. "Not entirely sure. It was a strain of the T-virus, but that's all I know. Surprised I'm still breathing, actually, as I can still feel it crawling around inside me like some kind of parasite. Now where's the rest of your team? You don't look injured." (I was telling the truth, by the way. It's really odd-feeling, like something watching me from the inside-out)

"We split up, went looking around to figure out what's going on. We then found the remaining members of Bravo and regrouped before starting out again in pairs, this time to search the areas you marked as being dangerous. Richard... Didn't make it out."

My expression soured immensely as I increduliously shouted, "WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me? What part of 'Only Evil Remains' did you morons not comprehend? I specifically left that message to keep you idiots from getting yourselves killed, damnit. And why the hell did you split up? You know, I'd like it if you people would stop being suicidally retarded and actually stick together, for Chissake. Haven't y'all seen enough bodies in this place to realize that your chances of not getting killed/mauled/maimed/tentacle raped/eaten alive/horribly disfigured drastically decrease when you're not wandering this fucking deathtrap ALONE? This ain't Scooby-Doo, damnit! Agh!" I threw my hands in the air with a groan of frustration, before a humorless chuckle escaped past my lips.

"I hate this place. I hate Umbrella. I hate every fucking one of 'em. When I find George Trevor, I am going to kill him slowly, fuckin' choke him with every damn emblem I can get my hands on."

Jill was giving me a strange look, slightly edging away from her spot on the stairs. "Umm, okay, then."

Okie-day, we've got one dead, one down and one on reserve. Think tactically; there should be two pairs left. Chris and Barry, then Kenneth and Forest. Or a different combination of the four, either way. I'm going to have to head out and find them, bring them back so we have a clear, decisive goal in mind. To do that, I'm going to need a weapon.

"Alright, where did each pair go, and where's my gear?" I asked, looking around. Aha, there's the duffel, and I see my bloodied vest and belt right there.

I started for it as she said, "Richard and I headed up to the attic, where we ran into some kind of gigantic snake. Chris and Barry went to check out the residence, while Sully and Forest were going to poke around that shack out back. Most of your stuff should be with the bag, aside from the guns and ammo."

Well, better than nothing. I pulled on the vest, finding it to be a lot lighter than I remembered. Those assholes took my grenades and ammo, too. Even my AKM! Damnit. At least they left the grappling hook and my knife. Gave my Beretta to Topher, but where's my-

"Alright, who the fuck took my forty-five?"

Glancing towards her, Jill immediately swallowed upon hearing my tone of voice. "Barry took that, said it was a collector's piece. The rest of the guns were divvied up amongst us, except Rebecca's handgun. What are you going to do?"

So those idiots have my guns. And now I need to get 'em back, no matter how much strangling monsters would please me. "I'm going to save their collective asses, then we'll get out of here as a group. There are just two medals that are needed to get into the basement lab, assuming you blast through the gate behind the stairs. Both are hidden in books, one in the library, the other in a room with moving walls. With those, we can take an elevator to the roof, and the rest is self-explanatory. Did anyone open the large metal doors up yonder?" I hooked a thumb towards her left, meaning the second floor knight room.(You all know which one I'm talking about. Fucking nerve gas)

"No, we found a map that indicated it was a dead end and didn't bother, since it would've taken too much ammo to force."

Oh. Well, that's nice to know. "Good. That room was just a trap that would've killed you all with nerve gas."

I could feel her sweatdropping from where I stood. "Well, thanks for the warning, asshole."

Quick, think of a snappy comeback! "Better I didn't, or you would've gone in like idiots just to find out." She had no response to that, heheh.

After getting what little of my gear remained and pulling on my boots, I turned back, casting my gaze around the room until it settled on poor, dead Albert Wesker.

It's looting time!

I moved, dropping to a knee right next to him. "W-what are you doing?!" Jill cried, utter shock and disbelief in her voice.

Rolling my eyes, I replied without even looking back. "Taking what the dead man doesn't need anymore, seeing as y'all had no qualms with taking MY things without any hesitation the moment you thought I'd kicked the bucket." Let's see, here. Oakleys, mine. Thigh-rig holster with custom 92FS, mine.(No damn light on it? But his is the only one with a rail!) Magazine pouches, mine. Ammo, mine. Radio, mine. Umbrella keycard, mine.(So this is how he gets around?) Special auto-injector, now mi-

Wait, what?

In his breast pocket, I found a thick pen-sized silver-colored metal object with a plunger on the top, and a needle housing on bottom. There was something inside it, some kind of liquid. It only went up to the first line that went across the glass; a single dose. Not sure what it is, exactly, but I've got a pretty good idea.

_'Wesker's goddamn plot device serum. The virus that makes him superhuman, the same one Umbrella and Birkin threw out as garbage. Huh. Is this my lucky day? Or will this shit kill me quicker than a bullet to the head? One way to find out. Fuck it, roll the dice.'_

I flipped the object, reaching up and pressing it to my neck just as I pressed the plunger.

* _K-Tsssh!_*

"What is that? What did you just take?!" The female member of Stars Alpha barked, sounding very slightly panicked.

Honesty or utter bullshit? Bullshitting time. "Prototype anti-virus. Shocked to see the bastard actually had it on him, seeing as this stuff hasn't been perfected yet. It's just as lethal as the T-virus itself, and this auto-injector was pre-set for someone of Wesker's build, so don't jump my ass about not giving it to Rebecca. An overdose on someone of her size would kill her quicker than a bullet."

"Then why give it to youself instead of saving it for someone else?" She asked, venom apparent in her voice.

"Because I can't allow the T-virus to escape this area, and the rest of you have no idea how to set up the self-destruct mechanism of this facility. I'm pretty sure you can imagine what would happen if this stuff managed to spread into Raccoon City."

Turning to look over my shoulder, I saw a look of utmost fear on the normally-fearless Jill Valentine's face, her eyes widening to match the size of her nose. "It- It would be a wholesale slaughter. The RPD isn't equipped to handle something like this, no one is!"

"Exactly, and I am not willing to let those people die. Now I want you to hang tight here and keep Rebecca safe. If any of the others come back before I do, get them to stay put. If I'm not back within two hours, assume I'm dead and don't come after us. Got that?"

She nodded once, albeit reluctantly. "Alright, but be careful."

I quirked an eyebrow purely out of habit as I tried to lighten the mood, snarking, "Why? You think there's something out there that wants to eat me?"

Jill's expression suddenly turned oh-so very sardonic. "That's not funny. Really, it's not."

"Heh, I know. I'll be back soon."

_'There he goes, one of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production; too weird to live and too rare to die.' _Jill thought back to that new movie she'd seen, shaking her head as she watched Roy leave the room.

_'Yeah, he's as good as dead. We're doomed.'_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

***Powfuhl!***

Huh. Gotta admit, old Albert had good taste when he chose his sidearm. This thing has the recoil of a little twenty-two, but hits like a sledgehammer.(Must be +P JHP ammo. Good stuff) It's a real tack driver, straight kill-shots from the first onward. Still, I can't shake my preference for the good old _THUMP! _of a forty-five in my hands.

The double-tap technique was created for the 9mm; back in 1911, they didn't need it, 'cuz a single 230 grain slug would put a grown man on the ground.(Believe it or not, it's due to hydrostatic shock. A 45ACP hit within an inch or so of the Femoral artery, or any other major bloodflow channel, will kill you with a heart attack from the shockwave. That's where the infamous stopping power of a 45 comes from. Hey, you're learning something useful for once)

But, anywho. I moved through the creepy halls and corridors, knife in one hand, ready to impale any zombies with extreme prejudice, while my new 92 was at home in my gun-hand, resting atop my left wrist. Stepping around the corner up ahead, I glanced down towards something that caught my attention.(Of my eyes and nose, unfortunately)

_'Another body, high-caliber headwound. Jesus, poor dead bastard's brains are all over the ceiling. Looks like one of those two has my shotgun. Better be careful not to sneak up on them.' _With a shake of my head, I stood and continued on my way, eyes scanning the darkened room for anything they might've missed.

Upon seeing nothing behind or in front of me, I stood and moved forward, grabbing the handle to the door that lead outside. Pushing it open, I felt a cool breeze against my face, taking a breath of fresh air as I stepped out into the cool summer's night. Of course, it was still pitch black outside, not a single star in the sky.

Closing the door behind me, I briskly walked towards the reinforced door that lead to the courtyard, finding it blown clean off its hinges, the frame itself blackened with soot. _'I take it I'm not the only one impatient with retarded locks. Still, this is a good sign.'_

Stepping in, I found myself at a crossroads. In front of me, there are the double doors to the courtyard, where I'll be able to get into the residence and regroup with Chris and Barry, or alternatively, I can head down the path to Lisa's shack and try to find the two remaining members of Bravo team.

At the moment, I'm torn between trying to save the ones with the greatest firepower, IE Forest with the explosives, or the ones who have the highest likelihood of still being alive. Well, assuming those morons from Alpha didn't let themselves get caught by Plant 42.

The deciding factor for me was the fact that the bearded dick had my Wilson.

Smirking, I said to myself, "The residence it is, then. Will there be... Evil?"

_**Okay, I'll stop stealing jokes.**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

After getting soaked in the pool and having to slog my way past the waterfall and through the courtyard, swishing and squishing, I found myself standing in front of the door to the residence. While there was a slight hint of death and decay in the air, when I'd gotten closer to the door, the rank stench hit my nose like a freight train loaded chock full of dead, rotting skunks.

I could feel it singing the hair in my nostrils, it was so bad. _'Oh fuck, that reeks! And I've gotta go in there? Hope I don't choke on this shit.' _Shaking my head, I pushed the door open, stepping inside with my new(To me) Beretta at the ready.

Nothing in front, just an empty hall. Forward, glance around the corner; clear. No blood, no body, just the nasty odor. I moved up to the first two doors, finding one busted open. Glancing inside, I found it was clear, nothing moving, anyway. I then peeked inside the other, finding the storage room also empty. Damn.

Down to the end of the hall, I pulled the double doors open for a look inside the common room.(At least, I think that's what it is) I saw another dead webspinner on the floor not three feet away and I don't hear any footsteps, so they're not in here, either.

Closing the door and turning back around, I then went for the only other door in the area, hopping over the hole in the floor as I went. Through this, I went straight for the door to the gallery, finding it to be kicked wide open. Lucky me.

In the gallery itself, I heard no buzzing; someone must've exterminated those bees already. Nice.

"_Goddamnit! What the hell is this thing?!_"

Voices! From another room! Could it be?

"_I don't know! These Umbrella motherfuckers are freaks!_"

Ah-yep. Barry and Chris, trapped in the fell clutches of Plant 42. How did I know this was going to happen? Well, whatever. Directly ahead, the double-doors into the tentacle-rape room were shut tight, though I happen to have the perfect skeleton key for it. Raising my boot, I gave the lock an almighty kick, rattling the feeble doors on their hinges.

They held fast, not budging an inch.(_"Fuck you!"_)

Sighing to myself, I turned around and marched clear across the room, back to the other door.

Spinning back, I ran at the doors head-on, pivoting at the last second as I spun, using my momentum to force them wide open. This time, the lock itself snapped and something else on the other side gave way, allowing me to step in and assess the situation.

Burton and Redfield were, indeed, captives to Plant 42. _'Wow. Fucking tentacles. If Rebecca were here, this would turn hentai in the blink of an eye. Hell, this qualifies for yaoi right now. Ew. Now I need brain-bleach.'_ While I'm not entirely sure how they managed to get themselves caught by it unless they ran in here without bothering to ever glance up, nevertheless. I raised my Beretta and took careful aim, just in time for them to twist themselves around, looks of absolute shock on their faces.

***Pow-Powfuhl!***

Two shots later, they both dropped free, the vines that held them in place severed from the creature. "Move!" I shouted, already backing up through the doors as I took a few pot shots at the big-ass plant.

Ducking and dodging tentacles/vines/sprays of acid, the members of Alpha hauled ass to catch up to me without looking back.

The moment we were all back in the gallery room, the doors to the plant's domain slammed shut, apparently the work of said plant. It seems the thing has a preference for theatrics. Shaking my head, I turned to Chris and Barry, taking in their appearances.

Chris 'Steroids' Redfield was wearing his usual REmake attire, with the addition of my shotgun bandolier strapped across his chest, the thieving bastard. He also had my Ithaca in his hand, and believe it or not, just under the stench of death, I noted the scent of cigarette smoke on him. So he's a smoker, huh? I thought Capcom retconned away his 'baccy.

And ah, yes, Barry 'The Beard' Burton,(Or Barry 'Compensating' Burton, heheh) Stars' gun-loving, sandwich-eating veteran. He was even taller than Topher, burly and bearded. The guy practically looked like your typical Mountain Man; all he was missing was the flannel shirt. _'Man, the guy's got the Beard of God. It's magnificent, he could even give my ex-girlfriend a run for her money. Heheh.'_

"You two a'ight?"

Chris replied first. "Yeah, thanks for the assist."

The older man nodded, hefting his revolver "Still got my partner, I'm good."

Raised an eyebrow, I then sniped, "Yep, Barry Burton still has his manhood extension, so all is right with the world, eh?" Much to the big man's chagrin.

_**I lied.**_

His expression soured a bit, though I'd say it was more sardonic than anything, but before he could respond, the former pilot asked, "What are you doing here, anyway? You were dead the last time I saw you."

Feeling a wry grin work its way into my expression, I responded, "I got better. Now before we go any further, one of you has my Wilson Combat. You've got to the count of five to return it or I'm to shove my boot up both your asses sideways."

They shared a look before Barry reached for the back of his belt and pulled out the object in question. "Thought you were dead. Not like you'd be able to appreciate it from the grave. Seeing as you've got Wesker's gun, I don't really think you can fault me."

I retook possession of it and the ammo, loading them into my vest. "Point, but I needed something to save your asses. Wasn't going to take Rebecca's gun in case she woke up and needed it."

"So she's still alive, then?" Redfield asked, sounding relieved.

"Last I checked. Now, then, seeing as all the members of Stars are dumb enough to go poking around places where the dying man specifically told you NOT to go, we're going to have to save your teammates from Lisa Trevor."

But of course, "Lisa Trevor? Who's that?" Barry replied, utterly confused.

Can't say I blame him. "That would be Umbrella's most unfortunate test subject, daughter of George Trevor, the man who designed and built this mansion. Poor little girl who was turned into a nearly-immortal monster. Not very smart, but she's immune to small arms fire and has the strength of ten men. She can eat forty-mike rounds without even blinking, so let's get moving before she kills those two maroons."

Once again, they shared a look before glancing back towards the doors to Plant 42. "No arguments here."

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

"Huh. Well, at least Forest wasn't killed by crows."

"Crows?" Chris parroted, sounding more than a little puzzled by my statement.

In response, I merely shook my head with a wry smirk. "Nevermind. Stack up on the door and if you see any kind of monster, aim for the legs. All we can do against Lisa is disable her for a few minutes at best. Ready?" They both nodded. "Three. Two. One. Mark!"

Barry kicked in the door as Chris and I rushed inside, weapons ready. "Clear left, front."

"Clear right. Move up, check your corners." As we rounded the corner and came upon a lit fireplace, we found someone. "We've got a body, head up those stairs and watch your back."

I dropped to a knee next to the form of a man sprawled out on the floor. He was black, with a shaved head and a green vest, not to mention a camera of some sort on his left shoulder. Kenneth 'Token Black Guy' Sullivan. I felt his neck for broken disks, finding them intact and that he still had a pulse. Other than a sizable knot on his head, he was perfectly fine. Lucky sumbitch. I rolled him over onto his back, finding my AK pressed against him.

My curiosity made me check the chamber, finding the weapon empty. Well, that's to be expected. "Hey!" Chris' voice got my attention. When I looked up, I saw him reappear just above the few steps, holding a belt laden with grenades and ammo. "The place is clear. No sign of this Lisa or Forest, but I found some of his equipment. How's Sully?"

"He's functional. Had his brain rattled quite thoroughly, so he'll probably have a headache from hell when he comes to."

The older man's expression scrunched up in confusion at my response. "I thought you said Lisa Trevor was a monster. So why did she leave him alive?"

I shrugged. "The only real mutations she had, other than degredation of mental capacity, were extremely condensed muscle mass and a healing factor that is still unrivalled. As to Forest, she likely dragged him down into the tunnels that run beneath this place. Depending on how long ago this happened, he's either already dead, or she's currently peeling the flesh from his body. I think she just left Kenneth here for later."

Of course, they both cringed. "Then we need to find them!" Chris exclaimed, starting for the door.

Shit. "Hold it!" I shouted, giving him a moment's pause. "Forest had the heavy weapons and she still kicked his ass. I know leaving him doesn't sit right, but running after the immortal monster into her own territory without a plan isn't exactly the best idea I've heard all night. Much as I'd love to play the cavalry, we don't where they went."

Probably those tunnels, but I know jack shit about them. We go down there, we'll be stuck for an hour at least, probably longer. Come on, think. It's been at least half an hour since Ken's been knocked out, maybe longer. More than enough time for Lisa to have killed Forest, but what about Enrico? Is he still running around those tunnels? No, I can't speculate on that. Have to deal with facts.

Going after Lisa will cost us time, ammo, and possibly life. Either could be fatal on its own when you consider what we're going to have to do. The library will more than likely have the Yawn, which is going to soak up a lot of bullets. Then there's everything in the lab itself, which will definitely be irritating. After that, the tyrant might wake up. Definitely not looking forward to a second one of those.

Speaking of which... My shoulder hasn't really hurt since I woke up. Weird.

"So what? We're just supposed to leave him to die? Not even try to save him?" You know, Chris' boy scout attitude is probably why he didn't make it as a pilot. He's a damned good cop and a hell of a shot, but his conviction to always do what his conscience says is right despite whatever his common sense or self-preservation instinct tells him isn't the best thing at times.

As Lloyd Asplund said, that'll get him killed one day. "Sometimes you have to make a choice, Redfield. Between the lives of those with you, and the life of the one you're trying to save. Leading a dozen men to their deaths to rescue a single person is a heavy burden; that's why I work alone. We have six people depending on us, and I have the lives of everyone in Raccoon city riding on my shoulders tonight if I don't blow this place to kingdom come. Are you willing to risk all of them for his sake when we don't know if he's still alive?"

Chris was silent, as Barry mulled that over. "He has a point. If this gets out, I don't think the government could contain it without massive casualties. I don't envy anyone who has to make that kind of decision."

"...Fine. But you still owe me a full explanation, Roy."

"Yeah, yeah, mate. Join the bloody que. Everyone has questions, and I've only got half the answers." Shaking my head and muttering, I looked back to the KO'd Sullivan, lightly smacking his cheeks. "Alright Sully, wake the fuck up. I'm not getting paid enough to give you mouth-to-mouth. Oy!"

A few moments later, his eyes fluttered. "Oough, wha' happ'n?" I pulled him up into a sitting position, helping the pointman to his feet.

"Agh, my head. W-what the hell?" He finally said, getting a better look at me. "No, what the fuck?! I thought you were dead!"

Oddly enough, I heard Chris and Barry both chuckling behind him. "Yeah, he didn't stay like that for long."

Turning around, he saw his teammates, looking between them before he asked the obvious question. "Wait, where's Speyer?" At their silence and suddenly morose expressions, his tone changed. "Goddamnit, that thing got him. How long have I been out?"

Shrugs all around as I guesstimated. "About forty minutes, I'd wager. Maybe an hour. We don't know where Lisa dragged him off to."

"Lisa? That thing has a name?"

At his question, I gave a very, very brief explanation. "That 'thing' used to be a little girl some thirty years ago, before Umbrella turned her into a nigh-immortal flesh-eating monster. I'm sorry to tell you this, but there are too many lives riding on us to waste time and resources chasing after her. Now we need to get moving before she comes back."

"WHAT?! You're just abandoning Forest to that thing?!" Of course, he was understandably outraged at the thought.

"I don't like leaving a man behind any more than you, but between him and everyone else who is still alive, I can't risk that. If escape was our only goal, I'd be the first to run him down, but if we don't sterilize this area soon, then everyone in Raccoon City is as good as dead. Now move, we've wasted too much time already." I turned on my heel and started for the door, calling back as I went, "And if you're going to take a dead man's rifle, you'd damn well better use it right."

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

I pushed open the door to the foyer, glancing left and right as I stepped inside. "Roy?" Jill's wary voice called from her place on the stairs, just as I noticed her coming up to see.

"And company." Chris replied, smiling when he saw she was unharmed.

The woman of Stars Alpha beamed when she saw us, but her smile faultered the moment she noticed that we were one man short. "So Forest didn't...?"

I shook my head. "Taken by Lisa. We don't have enough time or ammo to risk a rescue operation, so we're gonna have to move on without him."

My statement was met with yet more muttered curses as Redfield finally said, "Alright, who the hell do you think you are to order us around, kid?"

Alright, I don't have time for insubordination or doubt. Looking back over my shoulder, I looked him dead in the eye. "I'm the one who saved all your sorry asses from getting shot in the back. If any of you think you'd have survived until now without knowing to shoot the infected in the head, I'd love to hear it." Silence; I fucking love it. "Good. I'll say this right now; without me, you will all die in here, and everyone in Raccoon City will, too. That's my mission; to uncover any and all evidence that Umbrella created biological weaponry, and sterilize this facility to contain the T-virus and prevent a large-scale outbreak."

Moving down the stairs as I spoke, I took a knee next to Rebecca, checking her pulse and breathing once more, measuring her body temperature as I did so. Little change, slightly lessened fever, but that's about it.

"So you're supposed to be the good guy here? Who the hell do you work for, anyway? The government?" Barry guessed, still standing on the second floor.

"Good, bad? Nah, I'm just the guy with the gun. Central Intelligence Agency, deniable operative Roy Mustang." Standing back up, I cast my gaze on the remaining members of Stars as I gave a formal introduction.(Fake or not, heheh) Out of the four, Burton remained neutral; the others looked rather suspicious, though Sully was still angered over Forest. "I know you all have questions, so just ask them quickly. We're moving out in ten."

They shared looks before Kenneth asked, "You seem to know a lot about us and this mansion. Any idea where Captain Marini is?"

I shook my head. "Rebecca and I ran into the Captain several hours ago, but we've had no contact since, though we believed he was on his way here. Wesker mucked with the radios, so they've been pretty useless most of the time. My department got ahold of some old hardcopy blueprints of all the buildings George Trevor designed, and I've committed important facts on these places to memory."

Chris was next. "You said you came here to sterilize this place. What do you mean by that?"

"Exactly as I said. 'Sterilize,' via high explosives. All Umbrella-owned biological research labs have a self-destruct mechanism built into them, as a failsafe in case of an outbreak like this one. And with this," I plucked the keycard I'd gotten off of Wesker from my pocket. "I should be able to activate it. I do believe this card is how Wesker planned to get around this place without having to deal with all of the retarded locks and emblems. Gotta be a hidden passage around here somewhere."

"Biological laboratory? Where the hell would they hide that in this old mansion?" Kenny asked, confused.

Miss Valentine answered for me. "Apparently in the basement. He also said that's where we'd find proof that Wesker was working for Umbrella."

Ding ding ding, we have a winner. "Right on the money. And now, let me ask YOU something, members of Alpha." I had their immediate attention. Because this is something I really want to know. "What the hell are you doing here in the first place? Bravo hasn't even been gone for a day.

"We lost radio contact with them early on, but through a patchy signal, Kevin radioed something about engine trouble, then sabotage. We came out here to find out what happened when he stopped reporting in. Unfortunately, by the time we found the helicopter, he'd already been killed. Something clawed its way into the helicopter before it tore him up and mauled him." Chris gave me the answer I didn't really want to hear.

I blinked owlishly. "Wai-wai-waitaminutehere. So let me get this straight. You guys found Bravo Team's chopper ripped to shreds, the pilot with his fucking face bitten off, and you _didn't_ immediately say 'fuck this noise,' shuffle back into the helicopter and call for backup? We're talking about some sort of cannibalistic, serial-killing cult big enough to make the news headlines, state-wide. Shouldn't you people have called in the FBI, the ATF, the CDC and all the other alphabet agencies by now? Really, what the flying fu-" I stopped dead.

Then groaned audibly. Ah, right. This is Resident Evil! There is no logic!

(Sorry, but I've shamelessly ripped this, almost word-for-word, from the Dark Id. He wrote it out perfectly, the exact way I'd thought it when playing Resident Evil for the first time. Seriously, I **CAN NOT **say enough good things about this guy. Go read his stuff on the Let's Play Archives, they're hilarious. Right the fuck now! Else I'll find you and beat you with a herring! Or catfish, herring is hard to come by these days. So expensive)

Of course, the memebers of Stars were looking at each other, looking more than a little sheepish. "I hate this place already. Well, whatever, I'm glad to have a few extra guns. Alright, from here on out, I'm assuming operational command. As you've probably figured out, this entire fiasco is Umbrella's fault; they up-fucked big time when they created the T-virus, and Uncle Sam is paying me the big bucks to prove how bad they've bent themselves over. So what we need to do, is acquire evidence to prove that they caused this before setting off the self-destruct. That evidence will be in the underground laboratory, and to get there, we need two round medals; one of wolf and the other, eagle. One of them is in the library, hidden inside of a blue book; Eagle of East, Wolf of West. The second should be inside a room with moving walls, whatever that means. I'll track that one down myself."

"How in the blue hell does getting into the lab help our chances of getting outta this madhouse alive?" The veteran member of Alpha asked, stroking his beard.

"Because the lab has the only elevator to get us onto the roof. There should be a way to signal your chopper pilot from there, either flares or maybe just a better signal for the radios. This mansion is the only landmark for miles around, so it shouldn't be too difficult for him to see us, assuming he's still in the area and not a complete fuck-up. Now, in exchange for helping me do my job, I'll get y'all out of here and home safe, no court testimony needed."

They all shared looks once more, before giving their answer.

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**Y'all see the Code Geass reference easy enough, so how about the Dead Space 3, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Dark Id's LP, Code Geass, Call of Duty and Duke Nukem ones?**_

_**Yes, this contains a lot of stuff from the Dark Id. If you don't like it, kiss my ass and go read the LP's for yourself.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**HEY, KIDS! If a doctor ever asks you if your parents own guns, tell them it's **_**NONE OF THEIR GODDAMN BUSINESS! **_**That crap is straight from Nazi Germany, a ploy set up to create a registry under Obamacare.(Which gives the government access to everyone's medical records. Nutnfancy was right) And for 500 points, the only purpose of a registry is?**_

_**Thaaat's right! National confiscation. This goes for you older folks going to the VA, too. Answer any questions carefully, as there have been disturbing rumors about them using excuses to forcefully disarm veterans. **_**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage."**_** - Alexander Tyler. Learn from history, or you are doomed to repeat it.**_

_**Over and over again.**_


	11. Chapter 11 Taking it to ELEVEN

**Resident Evil REwritten**

A New Nightmare

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

_**Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Quote of the day!**_

**IF LIBERALS DON'T WANT US TO TREAT EVERY MUSLIM LIKE A TERRORIST, THEN WHY DO THEY TREAT EVERY GUN OWNER LIKE THE NEWTON SHOOTER?**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

#11 _**Just One Lousy Snake**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Well, it isn't like we've got much choice, is it?"

"Alright, then." Smiling, I turned back to Rebecca's unconscious form, taking a knee as I brushed her bangs aside. "C'mon Becs, I need you. Wake up. Hey." After shaking her shoulders, I switched to lightly patting her cheek, trying to rouse her. A few moments of fruitless attempts made me change tactics. "Come on, girl, get up. Oy!"

Her eyelids twitched, slowly fluttering before her eyes opened. Rebecca blinked once more before answering, staring up at me. "Huh-? Roy?"

Nodding, I pulled her up to a sitting position, resting her back against my knee. "Welcome back, sleeping beauty. You feeling okay?"

She nodded once, looking around the room before her eyes went wide. "Yeah, better than you're looking, anyway. Is that... Captain Wesker?" Ah.

Well, it used to be. Now it's just another douchebag corpse for me to trip over. "Yep. He's no longer a problem."

The medic leaned her head back to stare up at me again. "I remember you coughing up blood by the pint before stumbling away. How did you pull that off?"

She was awake? Damn. How did I miss that?

Grinning wryly, I replied, "Eheh, with the power of stubborn. Couldn't let myself miss such a high value target, dying or not. My boss would never let me hear the end of it, being the guy who's never missed."

"Ah-HEM." Someone behind us cleared their throat, rather loudly.

Oh. Right.

She blinked once more, leaning back to see around me. "Huh? The others are here?"

I pulled us both to our feet, turning back around to face the group. But of course, several of them had knowing looks on their smug faces, particularly that damnedable Redfield as he asked, "How you feeling, kid?"

"Better than before. Where are the others? Captain Enrico and..." Several of them shook their heads, no longer smiling at the reminder. "Oh. Damnit. We're the only ones left?"

Chris nodded. "So it seems. Do you trust this guy, Rebecca?"

But of course, she answered instantly, no hesitation. "Yeah, he saved me more than once last night. It was because of me that he got hurt." As if on cue, my shoulder sent a twinge of discomfort down my entire arm. Not exactly pain, but more like something adjusting itself, trying to get comfortable before it settled into place.

Friggin' weird, man. But it's a pretty good reminder; the clock's ticking, for me and everyone else.

"Well that's that, then. Anybody else doubt me? Anyone at all think they would rather just shoot me and get it over with?"

. . .

"Didn't think so. Gear up and get military, we move in five."

Jill glanced towards the other members of Stars before staring at me. "Do you even have a plan?"

Did she really just ask me that?

Can you imagine, asking **ME** if I have a plan? That's like asking Hugh Hefner if he knows any hot chicks. Or asking Chris Costa if he's any good with a rifle. Or asking Heather Harmon(Or Heather Brooke, as more people will know her) if she's any good at sucking dick. Of fuckin' COURSE I have a plan! I _always_ have a plan. You might as well just call me Baldrick.

"But of course. I have a cunning plan..."

"Famous last words." Rebecca made a snarky remark, damn her cute little attitude that she got from me.

I'm not a very good role model, am I? Rolling my eyes while trying my best not to smile, I responded, "Oh, shut it. If not for my awesome plan last night, you'd've wound up zombie-chow."

To be perfectly honest, that ultra-cute, sardonic, raised-eyebrow expression she had looked as thought she wanted to say, _Did your "awesome" plan involve getting me into bed?_

Eheh, that may have been a secondary goal, but hey! Mission accomplished, on both counts. Next up is the second phase. "Now as I said, we need two medals to get out of here. One of them is in the library, hidden inside of a large blue book; Eagle of East, Wolf of West. However, the hard part of that isn't finding the book, oh no. The giant snake that Jill and Richard ran into, known to the researchers here as the Yawn, often frequents said library. As you can all guess, with our luck, that is going to be a problem. Seeing as bullets will probably just piss it off, I suggest we fall back on the tried-and-true explosive solution. The thing likes to keep its mouth open, so feed it a frag, if you will. Right about now, we are very low on time, so you all will have to handle that while Rebecca and I deal with the traps guarding the other medal."

Outraged stares greeted my plan from all around. "Riiight, you want to send us against the giant monster while you take the easy job?" Chris remarked, rolling his eyes.

I quirked an eyebrow with a wry smirk. "My arm's hanging on by an asshair, and none of you know what to look out for to keep from getting killed by the house itself. Believe it or not, you've got the safer job, just searching for a damned book if you keep quiet and don't run around like a 'tard to attract the Yawn. Does anyone else want to try dodging spike traps and falling ceillings instead? I know there's an Indiana Jones-style giant boulder around here somewhere."

. . .

"Didn't think so."

Jill blinked, then said, in the most outlandish of deadpan tones, "Wait. I thought you said it was suicidally retarded to split up in this madhouse?"

Gah, damnit. I thought she was stupid. She was in both the original and the REmake! "There's nothing but a single moving-statue trap between here and the library. So long as you don't touch the key in the pedestal, you'll be fine. Keep your ears open and don't let the Yawn corner you, that's about all you need to remember. When it opens its big mouth, toss a frag in while someone else has its attention. Think of it like a video game." Heheheh, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying not to chuckle.

When they shared looks,(Excluding Rebecca, who knew where I was going with this) I then sniped, "You're supposed to be some kinda super-badass special forces SWAT team, right? You don't need a seventeen-year-old kid to hold your hands, do ya?"

Hahah, that got 'em up and moving. "Alright, alright, we get your point. But why are you taking Rebecca with you, huh? Thought you wouldn't want to risk her getting hurt, right?" Ah, good old Sully's a lot smarter than he looks. Chemistry specialist, isn't he?

Still. More fun-poking time!(But not poking Rebecca's fun-spot, unfortunately) "Frankly speaking, I don't trust the lot of you to not get her killed, seeing as the average competency rate of this unit is that of a mentally deficient one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest." Oh, that stung. That stung bad, judging from the various expressions around the room.(Again, excluding Becca. She's the rookie, after all, and gets a pass. Plus she knows where I'm going with this) "Though this is coming from a professional assassin, so don't feel too bad. S'not like any of you have been trained to deal with the things that go bump in the night."

When they all turned their silent, expectant stares upon me, I finished with, "That was a joke. Oy, Topher! How many frags did Speyer have on 'im?"

Alpha's pointman pulled the belt from his shoulder and gave it a quick glance. "Seven grenades, also had some nine-millimeter."

Hm. Well, that's good enough. "Hmph. It'll do, I suppose. Spread it out, one frag per, keep 'em handy. And pass the nine down here, not like any of you need it with long guns."

It took a mere few moments to divvy up the munitions, reloading my magazines(Hey, I may be using the forty-five for now, but that's no excuse to be lazy. As confucius says, he who over-prepares rarely runs out of ammo first) and getting Rebecca re-equipped. Of course, she took the chance to fret over me as I double-checked her kit.

"You alright, Roy? How's your arm?" She quietly asked, while I patted down the velcro holding her vest in place.

I brushed off the question, turning the sentiment back onto her. "S'fine, just a bit numb. And you?"

She shrugged, offering a brief smile. "As well as one could expect, surviving a bioweapon infection. Are you sure you're feeling okay? Your eyes look a little... Off." My eyes? The hell is she talking about?

Bah, no time for that. I tried my best to give her a comforting smile. "I'm good to go. For now, anyway. C'mon, head in the game, love. You can worry about me after we get outta here, okay?"

Though reluctant, she agreed. "If you say so. Just be more careful."

"Heh, you know me. Careful is my middle name."

Someone cleared their throat again. "Ah-HEM." When I turned my attention back to the group, I saw it was Topher Redfield himself, again with that knowing little smile that made me want to punch him in the mouth. "If you two ladies are done flirting?"

Ass, that's my line.

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

"Um, are you sure you know where you're going?"

"Nope. Now c'mon, we need to get this and a couple of other things done but-quick in case those morons wind up as monster bait." I replied, pushing open the door to the parlor with that grand piano with the wooden crest in-hand. "I hope you remember how to play Moonlight Sonata."

Glancing back, I saw the most wonderfully amusing look on her cute, pixie-like face as she looked between my smirk and the piano. "What the hell are you talking about? And how did you know I took piano lessons?"

I tapped my left temple with a smirk. "Psychic powers, remember? Heheh, I just need you to play it for a few moments, as the piano is hooked up to a hidden passage that has something we need."

Sighing melodramatically, she dropped into the seat with a shake of her head as she muttered, "What could possibly be worth this kind of headache..."

Ohhh, baby, it's definitely worth it.

Rebecca cracked her fingers, shook out her hands, and then began to play.

Or, well, began to mangle Beethoven's greatest work. "Oh, dear lord. It's a piano, not a torture device!"

She blushed bright red, thoroughly embarassed. "Shut up! I haven't played in years, plus I have to do it by rote memory since there's no sheet music." Heheh, she's so much fun to tease! And speaking of which.

I meandered on over to that conveniently-placed bookcase and effortlessly shoved it out of my way, picking up the thin, softcover book hidden on the shelf behind it. Coming back to my young partner, I dropped it on the piano's rack. "You were saying?"

She blinked dumbly before muttering something intelligible to herself as she opened it. "Half the pages have been ripped out."

Uh-huh. Excuses, excuses. "Does it have the first half?"

"Well yeah, but-"

I cut her off, patting her shoulder. "Then that's good enough to get the door partway open. Just don't stop playing until I'm through."

The medic shook her head again, flipping through the sheet music. "What door are you even talking about, anyway?"

"You'll see."

And so she did, after having to restart a half-dozen times within the first few notes. But still, after a little trial and error, she managed to play the song well enough for the mansion to be pleased by her efforts.(Or it just got tired of hearing her piss on Beethoven's grave and decided to throw her a bone)

The section of moving wall lifted itself up into the ceiling inch-by-inch, until there was a two foot gap in which I slid under, getting to my feet and moving straight to the statue that held my prize. Dropping to one knee, I pulled the large golden emblem from its place-

Holy hell! This thing weighs a good sixteen, eighteen pounds! Shit, this must be solid gold. Fuck, I'm in the money now. "Heheh, I am in the black."

*_**Thoomb!**_*

And just then, the wall section ominously slammed back down, blocking me in. Or, well, it would if not for the fact that one entire side of this corridor was made of glass. Ah, well. I placed the wooden emblem into the statue before getting back to my feet and walking back into the parlor, paycheck in hand.

"Oh my god, Roy! I liketo have had a heart attack when I saw the wall slam shut. Did you get the medal we need?" Rebecca asked, relieved to see me in one piece.

Grinning widely, I replied, "Nope. I got something even better." I held up the hefty piece of bling, relishing the way her eyes widened into the size of saucers. "Cha-_Ching_, baby."

"Is- Is that real? Is that thing actually _gold_?" She incredulously asked. I think I saw dollar signs in her lovely green eyes.

I merely nodded, stashing the treasure in my- Well, shit. Don't really have a place for it. Guess I'll drop it in the duffel on our way back through. "Yep, solid twenty-four karat, I do believe. Or twelve, I'm not sure. All I can tell you is that it is heavy as hell, and has to be worth a fortune. I'm considering it my bonus, seeing as Spencer's bloody virus nearly killed me and I'm not getting paid anywhere near enough for the shit Umbrella has put me through in the past two days. Besides, this place'll be a memory soon enough, so why let good money go to waste?"

"Good point. So that's why you had the others go off without us? You just better remember to share the happiness." Heheh, I knew she'd be amicable.

"You got it, fifty-fifty once we're out. Gotta pay off those college loans, right?"

She grinned, pearly whites gleaming wickedly in the light. "Right."

After dropping our little 'bonus' in the duffel, I threw it onto my shoulder and jogged up the stairs, leading Becs through the doors, hallways, corridors, and more hallways to the room we actually needed to get into.

Now of course, this room wasn't really much of a trap. At least, not unless you were an invalid, or crippled, or blind, or couldn't maintain a leisurely pace for about fifteen steps. Seriously. I pushed a large marble statue into the central area while telling Becky to stay put and not get between the walls,(She didn't need to be told, but better to reiterate that they _would_ kill you if you weren't paying attention) then ran around to the right-hand side and hit the switch before turning around and heading back.

Then I shoved the statue into its spot, and the walls returned to their normal positions as a small section at the end slid up into the ceiling, revealing a small hidden passage. Eesh, hella pain in the ass just to open this thing up. Wonder how the hell Spencer did this in that wheelchair of his? "Uh, wasn't that an awful lot of work just to open this up? And was that even supposed to be a trap? I mean, it moves so slowly you'd need to be in a wheelchair with only one arm to get caught by it. You could crawl from one end to the other before the thing closed on you."

I shrugged. "No clue. It's hydraulic, so that might be why it's that slow. Maybe it used to be faster, twenty years ago. Now c'mon, let's grab that damned medal and be done." We briefly looked around the hidden area, where I grabbed an old-school flash grenade,(Could be useful. Just better not mix it up with that frag) before we both looked down into that dark hole in the floor.

"So, lemme guess. The book that's got this medal inside it is down there, right?"

"Yep." I responded, carefully setting the duffel on the floor before I dropped down onto some kind of mossy gravel floor. At my feet, not even a half-metre in front of me, was that damned book. I picked it up, flipping it open and plucking the medal of Eagle from its dusty pages. Tossing the now-useless book aside, I pocketed our ticket out of here and turned back, looking straight up that hole.

"Did you find it?" Rebecca asked, standing above me.

Looking up like this, I thought, _'Man, I really wish she was wearing a skirt right about now. Heheh, maybe that cowgirl outfit of hers. Wait. I wonder...'_

Shaking perverted thoughts of Rebecca in the cowgirl position with a dirty chuckle, I called, "Yeah, now hop out the way." And then I stepped back, taking a short running start to jump up, kicking off the left-side wall to get an extra few inches of height to grab onto the rough ledge.

_'Agh, starting to think I'm out of shape,'_ I thought, pulling myself up and out.

Strangely, the young medic was giving me an odd look. "Are you okay? Your arm isn't hurting at all?"

Huh. Man, she's really worried about me, ain't she? "Yeah, I'm good. Shoulder isn't bothering me at all, to be honest. Now c'mon, we need to make another stop before we hit the library."

"Another one? What is it this time, jewels?"

I blinked owlishly. Wow. She's right and doesn't even know it. "How'd you guess?"

Rebecca came to a dead stop, turning to stare at me. "Wait, are you serious? I was only kidding."

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"I- I thought you were making a joke! These things must be worth a fortune! Sapphire, Ruby _and_ a yellow diamond? They're as big as my fist! Holy hell, they must've spent more on these things than the mansion itself, man-made or not."

"Not quite, but damn close, considering the prices back then. The gems are worth a pretty penny, but the gold is where we'll make more money over time."

Rebecca gave me a look. "Huh? What do you mean?"

I did a quick tally in my head. Roughly 14.5 troy ounces per pound, times 18 pounds. That's 261 troy ounces. Pure gold was around, what, $300 per troy ounce in 1998? But if saved until 2011, that'll multiply to $1800 per ounce.(That's when the buying frenzy was at its height, going up to over two grand per ounce of pure gold. Hey, I collect and trade gold. So sue me for being a precious metal nut)

Holy shit. That's a lotta simoleons.

$78,000 today, or $470,000 roughly thirteen years from now? Fuck it, that's a worthwhile investment for my retirement. Shit, I'll barely be thirty and I'll be able to retire! My old man's dream.

And that's a conservative estimate, based solely on the value of the gold itself, not the fact that it's a beautiful piece of artwork molded into a motif of the Spencer family emblem.

"Right about now, gold is around three hundred bucks an ounce. In just over a decade, that price will be over fifteen hundred per ounce. It'll mean the difference between maybe a hundred grand, and half a million. You see what I'm getting at?"

Oh-ho, she had those cute little dollar signs in her eyes again. "Did... Did you just say half a million?"

I nodded. "Yep. I got a buddy named Donald Trump, guy's a genius when it comes to consumerism and market manipulation. If he says gold is going to skyrocket in price, then you can be damn sure I'm gonna stock up while I've got the chance."

"Well, who can argue with that? And you were right, this is Umbrella's doing." She picked up the fax that had been lying on the coffee table, skimming through its contents. "White Umbrella, Umbrella headquarters? Chief of security... Was that Captain Wesker?"

"Seems likely. Look at the date, July twenty-second. This was sent recently. Extension 5691... I think we're going to have some fun with that." I grinned wickedly, chuckling quite evilly.

Rebecca shot me a raised-eyebrow look. "You're not going to prank call the people who are trying to kill us, are you?"

*_Powfuhl!_*

Just before I could respond, we heard a gunshot in the distance. "Well, fuck. C'mon, those idiots have definitely gotten themselves into trouble!" And out the door we ran.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"Finally! Hey guys, I found it!" Chris called, coming around the book case. In his hand was a large blue book, just like Roy had described.

As my partner strode over, the remaining three of us gathered in the center of the room, he said, "Eagle of East, Wolf of West. Looks like our CIA friend was telling the truth." And as he opened the book, a large, round medal caught our attention, gleaming in the light.

I pulled it from the book, holding it up to get a better look. "Huh. Not sure how this thing is supposed to open a door. Some kind of magnetics? Or indentations like a lock's tumblers, maybe."

*_HISSSSSSHHH..._*

And as a deep, ominous hissing sound suddenly filled the room, I had to fight the urge to duck and run. I'd barely even glanced in the direction I'd heard it coming from when my eyes widened and my throat ran dry. From above us, the Yawn had crept over the handrail in complete silence, only its incessent hissing giving its presense away, not even ten feet between us.

Without even turning around, Chris rolled his eyes and sighed melodramaitcally. "That snake is right behind me, isn't it?"

I nodded wordlessly, slowly dropping the medal in my pocket before raising Richard's shotgun. My thumb found the safety, and just as I deactivated it,

*_Snk!_*

The monster struck.

All four of us dived in different directions, moving as far away from the mutated creature as its fangs buried themselves in one of the nearby book cases, the massive snake crashing down onto the first floor with us.

"Keep away from it!" I heard Sully shout, just before the the roar of Barry's revolver halfway deafened me, the constant, familiar ringing in my ears drowning out everything.

***POWFUHL-**_**EEEEIIIINNNNGG...!***_

Though familiar, that made it no less annoying and distracting than before. Scrambling to my feet, I pulled up my gun as quickly as Chris had, both of us firing at the gargantuan reptile.

But our bullets seemed to do nothing more than just make it angry. Roy's suggestion to frag the thing seemed about our best chance of taking it down. Problem is, we're way too close to it for that, and even if we succeed, its thick hide probably wouldn't stop the shrapnel from injuring or killing whoever was close enough to accurately throw a grenade down its throat.

"Really wishing Forest was here right about now!" My partner shouted, evading the snake's tail before dropping back to load more shells.

I dully noted my own weapon clicking dry, my shaking hands barely forcing the rounds into the chamber without fumbling them. Thank god for muscle memory, I suppose. But how the hell did this thing get in here? Is there a hole in the ceiling that leads to the attic? Or was it here the whole time and we just didn't notice?

Another thing to think about. Why is it that I notice all these little details while I'm scared shitless?

"Jill, watch out!" Right after smacking the bolt release of my shotgun, my eyes snapped up just in time to recognize the large, scaly hide right in front of my face.

Why me?

*_WHUMPK!_*

"OOMPH!"

I felt myself sailing through the air, the wind knocked out of me; but I didn't even have time to register that before my back impacted something solid, my head cracking against it not even a moment later. And as I fell to the floor, coughing weakly, my entire existence exploded into nothing but pain. Sparks danced in front of my eyes, the edges of my vision dark as everything blurred from the unshed tears.

_'Got to... Get up. Gotta move. UP!'_

Feeling something hot, foamy and coppery-tasting coming up as I coughed a bit more, I shook the haze from my mind, blinking back the tears as I forced myself back up on my feet, halfway using Richard's gun as a crutch.

_'He'd kill me for that if he were still here. He always did love this gun.'_

Looking back up, I saw the Yawn was right in front of me, ignoring the gunfire peppering its back. The thing had its mouth open, muscles coiled tight. It was about to strike!

Memories flashed before my eyes; of dad, of Chris, of everyone I ever knew.

But just before the massive reptile bit me in half, I felt myself getting shoved to the side, landing hard on my backside, instinctively rolling with the impact and out of the snake's way.

"Suck this!" Someone shouted, just before the entire room quaked under the sheer force of an explosion.

***BADOOOMSHKAaaa...!***

The explosion drowned everything out, leaving my ears ringing even louder. Great, as if my tinnitis wasn't bad enough already.

After a few moments, I could hear someone shouting. "BADOOM! Bits and brains everywhere, hah hah hah!" Roy cackled, a triumphant cry that was both a relief, and yet extremely irritating for some reason. Though mostly irritating, even given the circumstances.

When I turned to look where the giant snake had been, I saw that the entire top of its head was gone, gore splashed all over the floor and bookcase in front of it. There was still blood spurting out, the massive tail of the creature still twitching. I couldn't help but shiver at the sight. Good thing I'd rolled out of the way, otherwise my entire outfit would be ruined.

It's a bitch trying to get blood stains out of cotton.

"Hey." I turned towards the voice, finding Chris standing over me with a concerned look on his handsome face and his hand held out. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I took it, pulling myself up.

When we both turned to address the maniacally grinning CIA agent, we saw he had that duffel bag slung on his shoulder, and my keen eyes noticed the grenade pin still dangling from one of his fingers. My hand reflexively went to my belt, feeling for the M67 that had been hanging there; it was gone. He'd swiped it from my belt when he pushed me out of the way.

Anyway. The young man was shaking his head with that smarmy grin that made me want to punch him as he said, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin, do I have to do _everything_ around here? It was just one lousy snake."

Kenneth groaned in annoyance. "Yeah, one big-ass, fifty-foot-long snake."

"Heh, at least it wasn't solid." We all openly stared at Roy as he chuckled to himself. "Nevermind, esoteric humor."

Right. "Did you get the other medal?" I asked, pulling the Wolf one from my pocket. Good, it was still intact.

He did the same, though his was red, with an Eagle motif on it. "Yep, we're all set."

Chris looked him up and down before remarking, "Well, you certainly don't look any worse for wear. You even got here pretty quick. It was easier to get to that medal after all, wasn't it?" My partner blinked before remembering something important as he looked around. "Wait, where's Rebecca?"

"Up here!" We all glanced up to see the young medic of Bravo team waving at us, hearty and hale with a cheeky smile on her face.

"Oh. Well nevermind, then."

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**Bulletstorm, The Dark Id of course, Archer and MGS are referenced in this chapter.**_

_**For my fellow Second Amendment supporters, we've got good news on some proposed legislation. The Carry Reciprocity Act of 2014 has been introduced recently by a Texas Senator.**_

_**Keep your ears open, that might be going places.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

"**At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child – miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats."** _**-PJ O'Rourke **_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport. Two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner." **_**-PJ O'Rourke**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

**"The government has confiscated all of our rights and is selling them back to us in the form of permits." **_**-Unknown**_

_**~~Badadumbundum~~**_

_**Hey, want to know something interesting? The ATF's NFA branch is sitting on over 6 million dollars in unprocessed NFA tax stamps. Over 30,000 people have gone through with a Form 1 or Form 4 last year, which is $200 a pop, albeit with some being only $5. Thing is, with the understaffed and intentionally redundant procedures, the ATF simply cannot keep up with the workload.**_

_**Second of all, did you know that the money from those NFA tax stamps doesn't go to the ATF? No, it goes to the Department of Justice, which does NOT allocate any of that funding to the ATF. Why, you ask? Because it's stupid by design and prevents the NFA branch from being self-sustaining. And honestly? If you can pass the NICS check, you'll pass the ATF's check. It only exists as a de facto method of discouraging as many people from exercising their rights as possible. There is no excuse for that kind of incompetent stupidity and blatant violation of the second amendment.**_

_**See the above quote to understand all that. Shall not be infringed, my brothers.**_

_**Feet wet and powder dry.**_


End file.
